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Leo Beligan
1/27/2009 10:26:00 PM



Show ALL Comments  | Last 100  |
8/15/2016 9:22:00 PM
During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class, before she left, I asked her, "Are you okay? I noticed you were holding onto your side."

"Oh, I'm fine," she answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little."

"Well, that's good," I said, feeling relieved.

"Yes," she continued. "It's strange. He normally sleeps during your class."
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8/15/2016 9:24:00 PM
The other day, Nancy and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.

To her credit, Nancy finally said, "Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right."

"Fine." I said.

She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm wrong."

I grinned and replied, "You're right."
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8/24/2016 8:14:00 PM
The difference between a smart man and a wise man is that a smart man knows what to say, a wise man knows whether or not to say it…
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nenita bautista torqueza
8/30/2016 8:00:00 PM
Close-minded people put others down, Open-minded people are tolerant and understanding.
Close-minded people can’t see the good in people who disagree with them, Open-minded people see some good in everyone.
Close-minded people mind other people’s business, Open-minded people mind their own.
Close-minded people are envious and jealous, Open-minded people are contented and thankful.
Close-minded people know-it-all, Open-minded people realize how little we all know.
Close-minded people belittle other cultures and customs, Open-minded people know the value of diversity.
Close-minded people are suspicious and overly-cautious, Open-minded people are trusting and adventurous.
Close-minded people talk without thinking, Open-minded people think before talking.
Close-minded people think they are always right, Open-minded people realize how easy it is to be wrong.
Close-minded people like to judge others, Open-minded people let others judge them.
Close-minded people form opinions without information, Open-minded people value facts before opinion.
Close-minded people are self-centered, Open-minded people put others before themselves.
.................Which are you — open-minded or closed-minded? Don't lie!!!!!!
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9/2/2016 9:06:00 PM
A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles.

A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I love a woman that does aerobics."

The woman replies angrily, "I don't DO aerobics!"

The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"

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9/18/2016 7:27:00 AM
Lawyer jokes!!!
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo??A: The lawyer charges more.??Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer??A: His partners.??Q: What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra??A: Taller??Q: Know how copper wire was invented??A: Two lawyers were fighting over a penny??Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers??A: New Jersey got to pick first.??Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer??A: An offer you can't understand??An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will?prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.??The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"??The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate?and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"??She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $400,000 in my savings account at the bank."??"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $400,000 to be distributed?"??The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to?notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $350,000 for my funeral."??The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $350,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting?impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $50,000?"??The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept?with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $50,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."??"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That?evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $50,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.??She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.??Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow! She's going to?let the County bury her!"
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Leo Beligan
9/20/2016 7:09:00 AM
Page 11 of 1111 maglalaho sa panahon. Mapaamo nyo man siya, siya at siya pa rin ang kikitil sa inyong pagkalasing sa panandaliang kapangyarihan at tagumpay. Maraming salamat po. Page 11 of 11

Privilege Speech of Senator Leila M. de
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Leo Beligan
9/22/2016 8:09:00 AM
Wrong, Mr. President. It can, it does and it will. In case your cabinet didn't inform you, remittances from the U.S. accounted for P 463 Billion in 2015. Investments in the BPO industry are mostly U.S.-dependent as well, providing jobs to over 1M Filipinos. Remittances and investments from China and Russia COMBINED don't even make a blip on the economic radar. If you bet on the wrong horses, you will go down and drag the country with you. We will become a pariah state, and your legacy would be as the person who crashed our economy, and not the savior that 16M Filipinos elected you to be.
You can flip the bird at the E.U. or USA, but if they flip the economic bird back, no amount of tough talk can mend the disaster it would cause.
Sure, your apologists can blame the "paid" media or the "Yellow Army" but the thing is, not even their coffers can finance the volume of criticism coming our way from foreign media and foreign governments. Much of this flak wouldn't have been there if, in the first place, you kept your word to be more "presidential" in your language and demeanor. I'm sure they, and even you, know that. I do hope one of them would actually have the balls to tell you that, Mr. President, before it's too late.
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Leo Beligan
9/29/2016 11:13:00 PM
A man was the first to arrive at work one morning. The phone rang and he answered. When the caller asked for some specific information, the man explained that it was before normal business hours but that he would help if he could.

"What's your job there?" the caller asked.

The man replied, "I'm the company president."

There was a pause. Then the caller said, "I'll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something about what's going on."
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Leo Beligan
9/29/2016 11:13:00 PM
A little boy got on the elevator in the Empire State Building in New York City. He and his daddy started to the top. The boy watched the signs flashing as they went by the floors: 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70.

They kept going, and he got nervous. He took his daddy's hand and said, "Daddy, does God know we're coming?"

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10/18/2016 11:21:00 PM
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.
The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?”
“Ten,” she replied.
“What are their names?” he asked.
“David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David,” she answered.
“They’re all named David?” he asked “What if you want them to come in from playing outside?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just call ‘David,’ and they all come running in.”
“And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?”
“I just say, ‘David, come eat your dinner’,” she answered.
“But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?” he asked.
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just use their last name!”
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10/18/2016 11:22:00 PM
The umbrella
As tradition dictates, upon entering his Zen master’s house, the disciple left his shoes and umbrella outside.
“I saw through the window that you were arriving,”? said the master. “Did you leave your shoes to the right or the left of the umbrella?”?
“I haven’t the least idea. But what does that matter? I was thinking of the secret of Zen!”?
.....................“If you don’t pay attention in life, you will never learn anything. Communicate with life, pay each moment the attention it deserves – that is the only secret of Zen.”
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10/18/2016 11:23:00 PM
Most of us can keep a secret. It’s the people we tell it to who can’t.
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10/18/2016 11:23:00 PM
People are funny. They spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t need, to impress people they don’t like.
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10/30/2016 9:34:00 AM
Why do women have cleaner minds than men?

Because they change theirs more often.
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10/30/2016 9:35:00 AM
My wife claims I'm a baseball fanatic. She says all I ever read about is baseball. All I ever talk about is baseball. All I ever think about is baseball.

I told her she's way off base!
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11/13/2016 6:38:00 AM
Life is short. Fifty years from now, nobody will even remember you existed on earth. And you can't even bring one cent to your grave. Hence, never be selfish with your help or advice. Once you're gone, it's forever. But your good deeds will follow you to the great beyond. In the meantime, enjoy life to the fullest and to the last minute, in communion with your Maker and Savior. Like the wheels of a car, life is a series of ups and downs until we finally park at our pre-ordained destination.

Dan Amosin 11/13/16
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Leo Beligan
11/13/2016 3:51:00 PM
By: Emily A. Marcelo - @inquirerdotnetPhilippine Daily Inquirer / 07:00 AM November 13, 2016
Dear Emily,

I am past 60, married to a funny guy who is more a friend than a lover, and having an affair with a married man who loves his wife.

We’ve never spoken about living together, ever. We’re content with the status quo and our unspoken commitment to each other.


I’ve remained in the periphery of his life, masochistic perhaps, but that’s all right. I have enough love for the two of us. We’ve been lovers almost a decade now, but it’s because of my unconditional love for him that we’ve remained so. I know he’s happy with me, and that has made me very happy.

We lead separate lives. We don’t infringe on each other’s personal space outside of this affair. It is through our detachment from the aspects of our own families that we feel complete.

I was one of those who used to badmouth my women friends or just strangers who are having affairs. I’d scoff at them and call them adulterers, and roll my eyes at how immoral they’re behaving.

But once I fell down from my high horse upon setting eyes on my would-be lover, I understood exactly what happened to them.

The feeling is really indescribable. One moment you’re a sane, balanced, mature woman. The next, you’re like a teenager behaving like a balloon flying in the clouds without a string to hold it down. It is a senseless, immature, totally insane feeling, but absolutely heavenly.

We’re still together, we’re still lovers. I felt insecure only once and told him we probably should just end it. He just held me very tight without a word. Then he simply said, “No.” That was all the assurance I needed.

Being judgmental has no place in human nature. I experienced what many have experienced. I don’t know why it happened to me. But I know it has made me more understanding of life.

Fate has a way of echoing the sayings, “All is fair in love and war,” and that “Everyone is created equal.” Just you wait.


Your letter is quite like the others that have quite grown in number. Which proves oftentimes that it truly takes three to make a marriage work.

Marriage is hard work. We’ve heard the old folks say it is so unlike hot rice which one can just spit out once it burns the mouth. You deal with it and cope with it in whatever way you could. Effectively. Quietly. Discreetly.

As long as both lovers define their objectives, know their place in the relationship, follow and respect unsaid but binding rules—like no demands, no histrionics, no insecurities, no scandals, no trolling, no spying—then it’ll be really heaven with no strings attached.

Otherwise, completely disentangle from this entanglement if problems arise. Why make it another version of the acrimonious marriage one of you might have been trying to escape from? That is being masochistic.

Make it boldfaced unconditional love—with all the intrinsic qualities that befits the word. You’d be giving this relationship a wide enough berth to come, go and have a dance about in.

Read more:
Follow us: @inquirerdotnet on Twitter | inquirerdotnet on Facebook
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11/23/2016 5:14:00 PM
Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
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12/2/2016 7:59:00 AM
WAITER: "Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."
WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it!"
WAITER: exasperated, "All right, Sir, I'll taste it."
Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"
To which the customer replied triumphantly, "Ah ha!!"
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12/20/2016 7:35:00 PM
Room 1221
A man is in the hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”
She replies, “if your Johnson is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”
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12/20/2016 7:37:00 PM
Whats the difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man arguing with his wife? The man buying a lottery ticket actually has a chance of winning…
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12/20/2016 7:38:00 PM
Anak: nanang! nanang! Agregla akon!
Nanang: aniya kolor na?
Anak: nalabbaga nga kasla nagtukel!!
Nanang: okininam ketdi nga bakla ka! inka agbuggo ta pultit dayta!
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1/2/2017 12:09:00 PM
This is from Charie Villa.
Reminder to self and those who care:??
1. It's time to use the money you saved up. Use it and enjoy it. Don't just keep it for those who may have no notion of the sacrifices you made to get it. Warning: This is also a bad time for an investment, even if it seems wonderful or fool-proof. They only bring problems and worries and this is a time for you to enjoy some peace and quiet.
2. Stop worrying about the financial situation of your children and grandchildren, and don't feel bad spending your money on yourself. You've taken care of them for many years, and you've taught them what you could. You gave them an education, food, shelter and support. The responsibility is now theirs to earn their own money.
3. Keep a healthy life, without great physical effort. Do moderate exercise (walking every day), eat well and get your sleep. It's easy to become sick, and it gets harder to remain healthy. That is why you need to keep yourself in good shape and be aware of your medical and physical needs. Keep in touch with your doctor, get tested even when you're feeling well. Stay informed.
4. Always buy the best, most beautiful items for your significant other. The key goal is to enjoy your money with your partner. One day one of you will miss the other, and the money will not provide any comfort then, enjoy it together.
5. Don't stress over the little things. You've already overcome so much in your life. You have good memories and bad ones, but the important thing is the present. Don't let the past drag you down and don't let the future frighten you. Feel good in the now. Small issues will soon be forgotten.
6. Regardless of age, always keep love alive. Love your partner, love life, love your family, love your neighbor and remember: "A man is not old as long as he has intelligence and affection."
7. Be proud, both inside and out. Don't stop going to your hair salon or barber, do your nails, go to the dermatologist and the dentist, keep your perfumes and creams well stocked. When you are well-maintained on the outside, it seeps in, making you feel proud and strong.
8. Don't lose sight of fashion trends for your age, but keep your own sense of style. There's nothing worse than an older person trying to wear the current fashion among youngsters. You've developed your own sense of what looks good on you - keep it and be proud of it. It's part of who you are.
9. ALWAYS stay up-to-date. Read newspapers, watch the news. Go online and read what people are saying. Make sure you have an active email account and try to use some of those social networks. You'll be surprised which old friends you'll meet. Keeping in touch with what is going on and with the people you know is important at any age.
10. Respect the younger generation and their opinions. They may not have the same ideals as you, but they are the future, and will take the world in their direction. Give advice, not criticism, and try to remind them of yesterday's wisdom that still applies today.
11. Never use the phrase: "In my time". Your time is now. As long as you're alive, you are part of this time. You may have been younger, but you are still you now, having fun and enjoying life.
12. Some people embrace their golden years, while others become bitter and surly. Life is too short to waste your days on the latter. Spend your time with positive, cheerful people, it'll rub off on you and your days will seem that much better. Spending your time with bitter people will make you older and harder to be around.
13. Do not surrender to the temptation of living with your children or grandchildren (if you have a financial choice, that is). Sure, being surrounded by family sounds great, but we all need our privacy. They need theirs and you need yours. If you've lost your partner (our deepest condolences), then find a person to move in with you and help out. Even then, do so only if you feel you really need the help or do not want to live alone.
14. Don't abandon your hobbies. If you don't have any, make new ones. You can travel, hike, cook, read, dance. You can adopt a cat or a dog, grow a garden, play cards, checkers, chess, dominoes, golf. You can paint, volunteer at an NGO or just collect certain items. Find something you and spend some real time having fun with it.
15. Even if you don't feel it, try to accept invitations. Baptisms, graduations, birthdays, weddings, conferences. Try to go. Get out of the house, meet people you haven't seen in a while, experience something new (or something old). But don't get upset when you're not invited. Some events are limited by resources, and not everyone can be hosted. The important thing is to leave the house from time to time. Go to museums, go walk through a field. Get out there.
16. Be a conversationalist. Talk less and listen more. Some people go on and on about the past, not caring if their listeners are really interested. That's a great way of reducing their desire to speak with you. Listen first and answer questions, but don't go off into long stories unless asked to. Speak in courteous tones and try not to complain or criticize too much unless you really need to. Try to accept situations as they are. Everyone is going through the same things, and people have a low tolerance for hearing complaints. Always find some good things to say as well.
17. Pain and discomfort go hand in hand with getting older. Try not to dwell on them but accept them as a part of the cycle of life we're all going through. Try to minimize them in your mind. They are not who you are, they are something that life added to you. If they become your entire focus, you lose sight of the person you used to be.
18. If you've been offended by someone - forgive them. If you've offended someone - apologize. Don't drag around resentment with you. It only serves to make you sad and bitter. It doesn't matter who was right. Someone once said: "Holding a grudge is taking poison and expecting the other person to die." Don't take that poison. Forgive, forget and move on with your life.
19. If you have a strong belief, savour it. But don't waste your time trying to convince others. They will make their own choices no matter what you tell them, and it will only bring you frustration. Live your faith and set an example. Live true to your beliefs and let that memory sway them.
20. Laugh. Laugh A LOT. Laugh at everything. Remember, you are one of the lucky ones. You managed to have a life, a long one. Many never get to this age, never get to experience a full life. But you did. So what's not to laugh about? Find the humour in your situation.
21. Take no notice of what others say about you and even less notice of what they might be thinking. They'll do it anyway, and you should have pride in yourself and what you've achieved. Let them talk and don't worry. They have no idea about your history, your memories and the life you've lived s
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1/7/2017 7:41:00 AM
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini.

This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.

So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.

"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."
And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

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1/15/2017 2:23:00 PM
A father of five children came home with a new toy. He summoned his children and asked which of them should be given the present: "Who is the most obedient one here? Who never talks back to Mom and does everything that Mom says to do?"

There were a few seconds of silence, and then all of the children said in one accord: "So you get it, Daddy??!"
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1/15/2017 2:24:00 PM
A company offered tours through the historic district, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing. While leading a group, one of the guides, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist.

He went to the hospital, and as he sat waiting in the emergency room, a policeman walked by.

Doing a double take at him in his 18th-century garb he asked, "Just how long have you been waiting?"
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1/19/2017 6:41:00 PM
It Doesn't Hurt To Have A Little Biblical Humor During The Day . . .
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a
little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ? ; ;
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.
PS.... Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . . "He-brews"
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1/28/2017 8:46:00 AM
A boy and his grandfather are playing outside. They see a worm come out of a hole. "I bet you $5 you can't put the worm back in that hole," the grandfather said.

The boy gets a glint in his eye and runs into the house. He returns with a bottle of hairspray and proceeds to spray the worm until it is stiff, then he sticks it in the hole. The grandpa, defeated, gives the boy $5 and takes the bottle of hairspray. He walks into the house and the boy keeps playing.

A while later, the grandfather returns outside and gives the boy $10.
"But grandpa, you already gave me the money for the bet," the boy told him.
"Yeah, I know. That money is from grandma."
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Leo Beligan
3/13/2017 7:35:00 PM
isko : kunam nga karpentero ni tatang mo
apay ngarud nga nag-pangit met ti balay yo

kulas : apay ngarud sika, ibagam nga beautician ni nanang mo ket
nag-pangit met

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Leo Beligan
3/13/2017 7:38:00 PM
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring.

So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."

"Wow!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"

"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
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3/15/2017 8:03:00 PM
Crumpled Bills
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband…
“Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No,” said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little more quickly with anticipation.
“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No way!” he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied …
“Go look in the garage!”
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3/31/2017 6:57:00 AM
A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."
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3/31/2017 8:01:00 AM
A kiangan goes to an eye doctor. The receptionist asks why he is there.
Kiangan: i keep seeing spots in front of my eyes!
Receptionist: have you ever seen a doctor?
Kiangan: No, just spots!
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3/31/2017 8:03:00 AM
Having had too much to drink one evening an Ifugao youth fell asleep on the roadside while on his way home. He up, his eyes blinking, when a policeman pointed his flashlight directly in his face.
"Oh, so the moon came down." The lad was not amused when the cop asked if he was drunk. The boy claimed he was sober.
"If you're not drunk, can you recognize me?"
"Yes, sir, you're a police officer.
How about me, Sir, do you know me?"
"Then you're the one who's drunk."
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4/5/2017 8:30:00 AM
Today's Joke - Wed, 05 Apr 2017
A salesman is out in the country and has to go to the bathroom. The only one he can find is a two-seater outhouse. Inside there's a farmer on one of the seats, the salesman takes the other.

When the farmer is done he stands, and when he pulls up his pants a handful of change falls out an into the hole. The salesman watches as the farmer calmly takes out his wallet and drops a ten-dollar bill down the hole.

The salesman says, "Excuse me, why did you throw ten dollars in the hole?"

The farmer says, "Well you're crazy if you think I'm going down there just for some pocket change!"
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4/14/2017 7:38:00 AM
A man goes to a lawyer for legal advice.
He asks "How much for answers to three questions?"
The lawyer says "$1,800."
The man says "Wow, isn't that really expensive?"
The lawyer says "Yeah, I suppose so. What's your third question?"
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4/26/2017 8:59:00 PM
Men in a Woman’s Life….
The Doctor – who tells her to “take off all her clothes.”
The Dentist – who tells her to “open wide.”
The Milkman – who asks her “do you want it in the front or the back?”
The Hairdresser – who asks her “do you want it teased or blown?”
The Interior Designer – who assures her “once it’s inside, you’ll LOVE it!”
The Banker – who insists to her “if you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest!”
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4/26/2017 9:00:00 PM
What’s the difference between the USA and a bird? …. On a bird, the left wing and right wing work together for the benefit of the whole bird.
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nenita bautista torqueza
5/5/2017 8:02:00 AM
Two elderly sisters were driving down the Florida Turnpike when one sister read a sign and said "KISSimmee" (Kissimmee) 3 miles.
The other sister said, "it's pronounced KissIMMEE"
They argued about the pronunciation for a bit, and not being able to agree on it, they decided that they would stop in a local hamburger place and ask one of the locals.
So they went into the place, sat down in a booth. The waitress came over to them and asked what they would like to eat.
The one sister said, "Before we order, we are from out of town and we would like you to very clearly and distinctly pronounce where we are right now."
So the waitress, very slowly says "Burr gerrr Kinggg"
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5/10/2017 6:52:00 AM
An Old man had 8 hairs on his head.
He went to a barbers shop.
Barber in anger asked:
shall I cut or count ?
Old man smiled and said:
"Colour it!"
LIFE is to enjoy whatever you have with you and keep smiling.
If you feel STRESSED,
Give yourself a Break,
Enjoy Some ..
Ice cream
STRESSED in reverse Spells-
Alphabetic advice for you:
Avoid Boring Company..
Don't Entertain Fools..
Go for High Ideas .
Just Keep a friend like ME..
Never Overlook the Poor n suffering..
Quit Reacting to Silly tales..
Tune Urself for ur Victory..
We Xpect You to Zoom ahead in life
If you see the moon .... You see the beauty of God ....
If you see the Sun .... You see the power of God ..... And ....
If you see the Mirror .... You see the best Creation of GOD.
So Believe in YOURSELF.
Our aim in life should be
9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0
9 - glass drinking water.
8 - hrs sound sleep.
7 - wonders tour with family.
6 - six digit income.
5 - days work a week
4 - wheeler.
3 - bedroom flat
2 - cute children.
1 - sweetheart.
0 - tension !
If u like it
pls send it to all the people who are important to you ....
This is one of the most beautiful messages I have come across..

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Leo Beligan
5/19/2017 9:42:00 PM
to my dear husband:

I think you have things a little confused. There reasons you didn't get more than you did :

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat.
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while ready a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, basketball on tv.
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was:
"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

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5/24/2017 9:46:00 PM
Who's the Boss?
Alex walks into a bar and finds Joey sitting on a stool.
"Joey," Alex said, "I'm glad to see that your wife finally let you out of the house."
"Things have been different with my wife," Joey said. "In fact, just the other day, I decided to show her who was the boss."
"How did you do that?" Asked Alex.
"I simply said to her, 'Mia, we are going to have it out right now, and I'm going to show you who the boss is in this relationship'."
"What happened?"
"Well, I don't want to brag, but I managed to get her on her hands and knees."
"How did you do that?"
"I was hiding under the bed at the time."
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5/24/2017 9:46:00 PM
Getting Better
A retired lady needed some extra cash, so she got a guitar and took some lessons. Then she learned some of her generation’s favorite oldies.
Then she got herself hired by a nursing home to sing for patients by their bedsides.
After serenading one bedridden older lady, she got up to leave and said, “I hope you get better soon.”
The patient replied, “I hope you get better too!
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5/24/2017 9:47:00 PM
Wrong Way!
An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his car phone.
“Honey”, she says in a worried voice, “be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway”.
“It’s worse than that”, he replies, “there are hundreds of them!”
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6/8/2017 8:42:00 PM
On the border of a small Aussie town, there was a big, old macadamia tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucket of macadamia nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done....
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6/16/2017 9:48:00 PM
A crowd of managers was being entertained by a popular motivational speaker.
The speaker said, “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!”
The audience was shocked and just sat there in total silence.
The speaker added, “And that woman was my mother!”
The crowd laughed loudly and applauded.
A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home during a small party.
The party had been going on all evening, and he was a bit tipsy after having had a few drinks.
The man tapped his spoon against a glass to get the party’s attention. As the crowd went silent, he stood up on a chair so he could be heard clearly.
He said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!”
The wife went red with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, with the guests not saying a word, the man finally blurted out, “… and I can’t remember who she was!”
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6/16/2017 9:49:00 PM
Golden words : ”If you want to change the world, do it when you are a bachelor. After marriage, you can’t even change a TV channel…”
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7/4/2017 11:35:00 PM
A man, his wife, and his son all go to a nude beach. Naturally, the young son has lots of questions.
He runs to his father, “Dad! Dad! All of the women have these things hanging from their chests!”
His father tells him, “Son, those are breasts. The women with large ones are dumb and the women with small ones are smart.”
Soon after the son comes running again, “Mom! Mom! All of the guys have these things dangling between their legs!”
The mom replies, “Those are called penises. The men with the big ones are dumb and the men with small ones are smart.”
The family splits up as the wife lays down towels in the sand and the man goes to buy ice cream at a beach stand.
After a while, the wife turns to her son and asks, “Did you see where your dad went?”
Her son replies, “Yeah, he’s over there talking to the dumbest woman on the beach, and he just keeps getting dumber and dumber.”
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Leo Beligan
7/21/2017 11:24:00 PM
An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The now widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren. One day her son came into her room holding a letter.

"I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
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8/19/2017 10:13:00 AM
Two lawyers are in a bank when armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on, lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.
Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this for?" To which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50.00 I owe you."
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9/3/2017 7:57:00 AM
There are four types of men in this world:
1.The man who knows,
and knows that he knows.
he is wise, so consult him.
2.The man who knows,
but doesn't know that he knows,
help him not to forget what he knows.
3.The man who knows not
and knows that he knows not,
teach him
4. Finally,
there is the man who knows not
but pretends that he knows,
he is a fool, so avoid him
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9/23/2017 5:37:00 PM
I love this, so am sharing with you:-
Heavy rains remind us of challenges in life. Never ask for a lighter rain,
just pray to God for a better umbrella.
- That is the attitude!
Life is not about finding the right person,
but creating the right relationship.
It's not how we care in the beginning,
but how much we care till the very end.
Some people always throw stones in your path. It depends on what you make with them;
a Wall or a Bridge?
- Remember you are the architect of your life.
Search for a good heart,
but don't search for a beautiful face,
bec beautiful things are not always good,
but good things are always beautiful.
It’s not important to hold
all the good cards in life,
but it’s important how well you play
with the cards you hold.
Often when we lose all hope
& think this is the end,
remember God and pray,
it’s just a bend, not the end.' -
Have faith and have a successful life.
One of the basic differences between
God and humans is,
God gives, gives and forgives.
But the human gets, gets, gets and forgets.
Be thankful in life...
If u think it is your alarm clock
that woke you up this morning,
try putting it beside a dead body
and you will realise that it is the Grace of God that woke you up.
If you are grateful to God, forward this to all your love ones to inform them that it is
JUST BY THE GRACE OF GOD that we are alive...good morning everyone...
?? God bless!!!
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Leo Beligan
10/14/2017 10:04:00 PM
Too much of anything is a bad thing, but be careful when you try to fix situations where you have too much – your actions may have unintended consequences…
A man with an excessively long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument. Over the years, he had had more than one complaint, so he decided that enough is enough.
“Doctor,” he asked, in total frustration, “is there anything you can do for me?”
The doctor replies, “Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you.” So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.
The man calls upon the witch and relays his story.
“Witch, my penis is excessively long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You’re my last hope!”
The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, “I think I may be able to help you. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to the frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem.”
The man’s face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, “Will you marry me?”
The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, “NO.”
The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter.
“WOW,” he screamed out loud, “This is great!”
But at this length it was still too long, so he asked the frog again. “Frog, will you marry me?” the guy shouted.
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, “NO!”
The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, “This is fantastic.”
He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. This long is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, “Frog will you marry me?”
The frog looked back across pond shaking its head, “How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!”
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10/28/2017 7:49:00 AM
A police car pulls up in front of Grandma Bessie's house, and Grandpa Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.

"Oh Morris," said Grandma. "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?"

Leaning close to Grandma so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."
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11/6/2017 7:17:00 AM
A police officer responded to a report of a bar room disturbance.

The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the officer and the "Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World."

Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist too, probably better than Houdini."

The giant nodded.

"If I had some chains," the officer continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.

"I can't get out of these," the giant growled.

"Are you sure?" the officer asked.

The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."

"In that case," said the officer, "you're under arrest."

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11/30/2017 4:46:00 PM
A woman decided to have a facelift on her 50th birthday. She spent $5,000 and felt pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stopped at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she said to the clerk:
“I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 32,” was the reply. “Nope, I’m exactly 50,” the woman said happily.
A little while later she went to McDonald,’s and asked the counter girl the very same question.
“The girl said, “I guess about 29.” The woman replied, “Nope I’m 50.”
Now she was really good about herself. She stopped in a drug store on her way down the street. She went up to the counter to get some mints and asked the clerk this burning question.
“The clerk responded, “Oh, I’d say 30.” Again she proudly responded “I am 50, but thank you!”
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asked an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replied, “Lady, I’m 74 and my eyesight is going.... Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then, can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurted out, “What the hell! Go ahead.”
He slipped both hands under her bra and began to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounced and weighed each one of her bosoms. He gently pinched then as well. He pushed her assets together and rubbed them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she said, “Okay....How old am I?”
He completed one last squeeze, removed his hands, and said, “Madam, you are 50.”
Stunned and amazed, the woman said, “That was incredible! How could you tell???”
“I was behind you in line at McDonald’s”
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Leo Beligan
1/4/2018 6:49:00 AM
In politics, there are NO permanent friends or permanent enemies. Only the permanent , personal interests of ambitious politicians. So, wake up, political fanatics. Don’t despise or turn away your friends just because of their different , temporary political views or affiliations. . Be tolerant of others’ religious or political views, as you would want them to be tolerant of yours, because we all have the freedom to think and express our beliefs in a democracy. Just because he belongs to a different political persuasion does not make him less of a friend. Look at his heart, because that is what matters, not his temporary political beliefs. To each, his own. On the other hand, the politicians you idolize and deify don’t even know you and might only be mesmerizing you with lofty ideals in order to remain in power to enrich themselves and their families and friends. And here you are, idolizing these self-aggrandizing tyrants and/or thieves to the point of despising your personal friends who happen to temporarily be on the other side of political fences. Politicians come and go, but friends are forever. Hey, come to think of it, in moments of trouble, these friends will be the ones to help you unselfishly, not your idolized politician. What fools these mortals be! (DAN AMOSIN)
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1/4/2018 7:07:00 AM
Cheese Farm

A busload of retired Americans was touring Switzerland. On the third day, they visited a farm known for its excellent quality goat cheese.

The young farmer’s wife gave them a tour, a cheese making demonstration, and finally some samples. As the retirees were tasting the cheeses, she pointed to a pasture full of goats.

She said, “This is a special pasture where we let our older goats graze happily after they can no longer give milk. In the United States, what do you do with your old goats?”

An old lady piped up, “Honey, they take us on bus tours.”
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1/26/2018 5:17:00 AM
My new data-entry assistant could often be heard offering encouragement to her computer. "You can do it, big guy!" she would say. "Good boy! Nice job, fella."

After one particularly lengthy pep talk, I asked, "How do you know your computer's male?"

"Because you have to tell it what to do."

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Leo Beligan
2/2/2018 6:29:00 AM
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

“Who is it?”, calls out one of the nuns.

“Blind man,” replies a male voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

“Nice tits, sister,” says the man, “Where do you want these blinds?”
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Leo Beligan
2/2/2018 6:30:00 AM
A son was placing his father into a nursing home. “Please don’t put me in there son!” cried the old man.

The son said, “Pop, I can’t take care of you and work too. I’ve checked the place out and it is the best one there is. I think you’ll love it.”

The next day the father called his son and said, “Son, you were right! I LOVE this place it is so great here. Thank you so much for making the decision!”

“That’s swell dad,” said the son. “What makes it so great?”

“Well,” replied the dad, “last night I was in my room and from out of nowhere, I got an er.ction. A nurse came in, saw me and gave me a bl.wjob! I haven’t had one of those in 30 or 40 years! I’d almost forgotten what it was like! It was fantastic!”

“That’s great dad,” said the son.

A few days later the father called his son again and said, “You have to get me out of here! I hate this place! I can’t live here any more!”

“What’s wrong pop?” asked the son.

“Last night I fell down in the hallway. I was getting up and when I was on my hands and knees, a male nurse came along and sodomized me! I CAN NOT and WILL NOT live like this!”

The son said, “Dad, I know that’s terrible and we’ll get it straightened out, but until then, you have to understand, we have to take the good with the bad. Just hang in there.”

“No son,” said the dad. “You don’t understand! I get an er.ction maybe once a year! I fall down two or three times a day!!!”
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2/9/2018 5:04:00 AM
One evening, a beautiful 17 year old daughter came home, feeling slightly worried. Her dad noticed that something was wrong, and repeatedly asked her if there was anything she wanted to talk about.

“Lovely airbags”

Finally, the daughter revealed what had been bothering her. Her new boyfriend had said something that she hadn’t quite understood.

“He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper,” the 17-year-old said.

Her dad leaned back in his chair and took a few deep breaths to keep his anger at bay.

He said to his daughter, “You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, then I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he’ll start leaking out of his exhaust pipe!”
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3/5/2018 11:37:00 PM
A pharmacist walked into his pharmacy and saw a man standing tightly against a wall making a funny face, so he asked the technician working that day, "What is going on?"

She said, "Well, he came in with a bad cough and asked for a cough suppressant, but we are out of it so I sold him a laxative."

The pharmacist said loudly, "Laxatives won't suppress a cough!"

She said, "I know that, but look at him -- he doesn't dare cough."
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3/13/2018 8:10:00 PM
An old man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.

"What are you selling, young man?" he asked.

"I'm not selling anything, sir," the young man replied. "I'm the census taker."

"A what?" the man asked.

"A census taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States."

"Well," the man answered, "you're wasting your time with me; I have no idea."
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3/24/2018 6:17:00 AM
Suspicion Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands....
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights,
Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she told her mate.
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable,"
Adam responded.
"You know you're the
only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until
Adam fell asleep,
only to be awakened by
a strange pain in the chest.
It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?"
Adam demanded. "
Counting your ribs,"
said Eve.
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3/28/2018 7:48:00 PM
Translation of English words
to tagalog...

have fun enjoy, pinoy lang naka iintindi nito

1) Contemplate - kulang ang mga pinggan
2) Punctuation - pera para maka-enrol
3) Ice Buko - nagtatanong kung ayos na ang buhok
4) Tenacious - sapatos na pang tennis
5) Calculator - tawagan kita mamaya
6) Devastation - sakayan ng bus
7) Protestant - Tindahan ng prutas
?? Statue - Ikaw ba yan?
9) Tissue - Ikaw nga!
10) Predicate - Pakawalan mo ang pusa
11) Dedicate - Pinatay ang pusa
12) Aspect - Pantusok o pandurog ng yelo
13) Deduct - Ang pato
14) Defeat - Ang paa (ng pato?)
15) Detail - Ang buntot (ng pato?)
16) Deposit - Gripo (Call DIPLOMA if DEPOSIT is leaking)
17) City - Bago mag-utso; A number to follow 6
18) Cattle - Doon nakatila ang Hali at Leyna
19) Persuading - Unang Kasal
20) Depress - Ang nagkasal sa PERSUADING
21) Thesis - ito ay...
22) Defense - Ginamit ng mga pangsulat sa kontrata sa PERSUADING
23) It Depends - Kainin mo ang bakod
24) Shampoo - Bago mag-labing-isha (11)
25) Delusion - Maluwang (kapag maluwang ang damit, eh DELUSION)
26) Delivery - Walang bayad.
Kapag working lunch, eh DELIVERY na ang tanghalian
27) Profit - Patunayan mo
28) Balance Sheet - What comes out after eating a balance diet
29) Backlog - bacon saka itlog
30) Beehive - magpakatino ka
31) CD-ROM - tingnan mo ang kwarto
32) Debug - ang ipis
33) Defrag - ang palaka
34) Defense - ang bakod
35) Defer - ang balahibo
36) Deflate - ang plato
37) Detest - ang eksamin
38) Devalue - 'yon ang susunod sa letrang V
39) Devote - ang boto
40) Dilemma - brownout!, a!
41) Effort - 'dun nagla-land ang efflane
42) Forums - apat na kwarto
43) July - nagsinungaling ka ba?
44) Liturgy - what comes after litur F
45) VHF - Very High Power
46.) PAF - Philippine Air Flane
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nenita bautista torqueza
3/28/2018 7:50:00 PM
The following is a very meaningful story which is called "Let Go", and written by Dr. Billy Graham.

A little child was playing one day with a very valuable vase. He put his hand into it and could not withdraw it. His father too, tried his best, but all in vain. They were thinking of breaking the vase when the father said, "Now, my son, make one more try. Open your hand and hold your fingers out straight as you see me doing, and then pull."

To their astonishment the little fellow said, "O no, father. I couldn't put my fingers out like that, because if I did I would drop my penny."

Smile, if you will--but thousands of us are like that little boy, so busy holding on to the world's worthless penny that we cannot accept liberation. I beg you to drop the trifle in your heart. Surrender! Let go!
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4/8/2018 10:00:00 AM

Paying the Price

William and Mildred decided to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. William went to the front desk to check them in while Mildred stayed with the car. As he was leaving the lobby, a young woman dressed in a very short skirt introduced herself as Candie. William brushed her off.

When William and Mildred got to their room, he told her that he'd been approached by a prostitute.

"I don't believe you," laughed Mildred.

"I'll prove it," said William. He called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217.

"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us."

Soon, there was a knock on the door. Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. "So, I see you're interested after all," she said.

William asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

William was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Candie laughed. "You must really be an old-timer if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said William, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it."

William said, "Let's go have a drink and forget it. "

Back downstairs at the bar, the old couple sipped their cocktails.

Candie came up behind William, pointed at Mildred, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
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Leo Beligan
4/19/2018 8:51:00 AM
A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oh, my," said the father. What have I done?" He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do. Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."

So they went to see the rabbi. The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do.

Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel....
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Leo Beligan
4/19/2018 8:54:00 AM
A local priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed debating the "bail-out packages," so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his best friend's wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled.

"But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and said: "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, never, NEVER-EVER be late.
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5/3/2018 7:10:00 AM
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail.

When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.

The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."

The first man asked, "How's that?"

"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast... she farted and flew out the window!"
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5/3/2018 7:27:00 AM
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the man finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases.

He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
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Leo Beligan
5/13/2018 11:20:00 PM
a REPOST with permission from Dan I. Amosin

The decision of the 8 justices in the Sereno case has rendered nugatory the functions of the constitutionally-created Judicial and Bar Council as regards the vetting and determination of the qualifications of candidates for any vacancy in the Supreme Court and the Ombudsman.

The Supreme Court is represented in that body, where it is given the opportunity to vet candidates. It likewise usurped and stultified the power of Congress to remove the Chief Justice by impeachment, which was actually ongoing when the 8 justices raced Congress to the draw and removed the Chief Justice themselves without so much as saying by your leave.

Assuming arguendo without admitting that indeed the Supreme Court has CONCURRENT jurisdiction with Congress as a co-equal body to remove the Chief Justice by Quo Warranto, then it should have deferred to Congress on the issue in this instant case, because there was already an ONGOING impeachment proceeding in Congress before the Quo Warranto case was filed in the Supreme Court. In fact, 6 of the justices recognized the legitimacy and pre-eminence of this primary jurisdiction by participating and testifying in the proceedings therein against the Chief Justice. Because of this action, the 6 justices are barred by the doctrine of ESTOPPEL from turning around and establishing the subsequent parallel jurisdiction of the Supreme Court, then trying and deciding the same issue in the subsequent Quo Warranto proceedings. More importantly, the 6 justices were barred from participating in the Quo Warranto case because that resulted in their acting as witnesses for the prosecution in one forum ( congress impeachment) and judges in their own forum ( quo warranto case in the Supreme Court ) on the same issues at the same time, thus the exercise of their discretion was tantamount to abuse thereof, rendering their action in excess of jurisdiction and therefore null and void.

Finally, the Supreme Court, thru its majority of 8 justices , acted in blatant abuse of its discretion by assuming a parallel jurisdiction on a matter of which Congress has already assumed primary jurisdiction, thus summarily truncating or aborting the ONGOING impeachment process in a co-equal body, Congress, also vested with such jurisdiction. The supreme court’s competing action is an abuse of its discretion rendering its act in excess of jurisdiction, and therefore null and void. In case of concurrent jurisdiction between two legal forums, it is a matter of law that the one which took cognizance of the issue FIRST should be allowed to exercise the same to the exclusion of another forum , in order to obviate the eventuality of two competing bodies having concurrent jurisdiction trying the same issue and ultimately rendering CONTRADICTORY judgments thereon.

This professional courtesy in legal proceedings is designed to achieve the orderly rendering of justice in every case . The Supreme Court is duty bound to promote it. Alas, it has not only reneged on its duty in this case , it also promoted tumult and a constitutional crisis by stultifying an ongoing congressional impeachment process with its unnecessary and parallel action of conducting a concurrent, parallel and competing hearing on the same issue by way of giving due course to a Quo Warranto case In derogation of law , the demands of equity and fairness, the orderly rendering of justice and the clear delineation and non-competing apportionment of powers in the Constitution. It would have been different if the Quo Warranto case was filed first with the Supreme Court before Congress ever started the impeachment process. These are good points for a Motion for Reconsideration of the Supreme Court’s erroneous decision. My two cents’ worth as a practicing lawyer and former university instructor on the constitution. (Dan I. Amosin)
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5/20/2018 1:10:00 PM
Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot.

The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.
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5/20/2018 1:11:00 PM
The homeowner got into his old work clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores his wife had been urging him to do all week. He cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and called out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"

The fellow thought for a moment and then answered, "The lady who lives here lets me live with her."
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Leo Beligan
5/25/2018 10:33:00 PM
Do You Know: TITLING OF LANDS is Only 50.00 pesos ( R. A. No. 730 )
BY JUNIOR · MAY 20, 2018

Update as of 7 Feb 2017 6:11 AM: Read this blog below of Atty. Laserna. Though this is quite long but it’s worth reading it.


For purposes of legal research of foreign readers visiting this blog, on the subject of the legal system involving the titling of public lands in the Philippines, may I share some basic readings thereon as published in the website of the Department of Environment and Natural Resources ( I have also added a relevant 1999 Supreme Court decision on the same subject matter.

Frequently Asked Questions:

How can one acquire TITLE?

For original registration, when no title has yet been issued over a parcel
of land, it can be acquired either by:

1. Judicial proceedings – by filing petition for registration in Court.

2. Administrative proceedings – filing an appropriate application for
patent (e.g. homestead) in the Administrative body (DENR) and
registration of this patent becomes the basis for issuance of the
Original Certificate of Title by the Register of Deeds.

What are the main classification of lands as to ownership?

1. Private properties – those which are titled.

2. Public lands – those which have not been titled as
well as those public dominion or outside the commerce
of man such as road, public plaza and rivers.

What are Public Lands?

All Lands that are not acquired by private person or corporation, either by grant or purchase are public lands. The common understanding therefore, is that all lands which have no title or not registered to private individual are public land. These are

grouped into:

1. Alienable or disposable (A & D Lands) – those that can be acquired or issued title. Our constitution provides that only agricultural lands can be disposed of to private citizens.

2. Non-alienable lands – includes timber or forest lands, mineral lands, national parks. No title can be issued over any portion within this area.

What are the modes of disposition or how can one acquire title over A&D lands? The modes are:

1. by Homestead Patent
2. by Sales Patent
3. by Lease
4. By Free Patent or Administrative legalization

What are the evidence or proof of ownership over a parcel of land?

The best evidence of ownership is the certificate of title duly issued by the Register of Deeds concerned. However, in the absence of a title, tax
declaration coupled by actual possession and existence of improvement also substantiate claim for ownership.

What is a TITLE?

A title refers to the legal right to own a property and the certificate of title is the document which confers such right of ownership to an individual, association or corporation.

How can one acquire TITLE?

For original registration, when no title has yet been issued over a parcel of land, it can be acquired either by:
1. Judicial proceedings – by filing petition for registration in Court.
2. Administrative proceedings – filing an appropriate application for patent (e.g. homestead) in the Administrative body (DENR) and registration of this patent becomes the basis for issuance of the Original Certificate of Title by the Register of Deeds.

In subsequent registration of Title, what are necessary to effect the same?
Transfer of title is effected by executing a document such as deed of sale wherein the registered owner (seller) transfer the ownership to a buyer. The capital gains tax and other taxes must be paid before clearance can be secured from the BIR. This will be submitted to the Register of Deeds concerned, together with the title which will be surrendered for issuance of a new title in the name of the buyer.

Subsequent registration of title is a function and jurisdiction of the Register of Deeds under the LRA as the land involved is already a private property outside the jurisdiction of the DENR.
In case the registered owner dies, how can ownership be transferred to the heirs?

When a registered owner died without leaving a last will and testament, the heirs can transfer the title to themselves by executing an extra-judicial settlement of the estate, on condition that the heirs are in agreement of how to
dispose the properties. If there is conflict and heirs can not agree, they should
bring a case before the court which will make a decision for them.
Is possession the same as ownership? Who are informal settlers??

No. Possession means actual and exclusive control of property by physical occupation and this could be in good faith or in bad faith. On the other hand, ownership implies the legal right of possession, control and enjoyment by the owner who has established evidence that he owns the property.

Informal settlers are those in possession of land without the benefit of a title and without consent of the owner. Their possession is not permanent and has no legal basis for occupation. The possessor must strive to acquire title to the land before his possession can become permanent.

In cases where there are conflicting claims, who shall have a better right?
In cases where both claimants have no title, there are many factors to consider
like actual possession. The one who occupies the land especially in good faith has
better right as against someone with doubtful documents or has recently acquired
rights without knowledge of the one in possession. However, all factors must be
fully evaluated to determine preferential rights….


A free patent is a mode of acquiring a parcel of alienable and disposable public land which is suitable for agricultural purposes, thru the administrative confirmation of imperfect and incomplete title. Agricultural public lands classified as alienable and disposable are subject for disposition under Free Patent.

The applicant for a free patent must comply with the following qualifications:

1. He must be a natural born citizen of the Philippines.

2. He must not be the owner of more than twelve (12) hectares of land.

3. The land must have been occupied and cultivated for at least thirty (30) years prior to April 16, 1990 by the applicant or his predecessors-in-interest and shall have paid the real estate tax thereon.

4. A minor can apply for a free patent, provided he is duly represented by his natural parents or legal guardian and has been occupying and cultivating the area applied for either by himself or his predecessor-in-interest

The following are the steps leading to the approval and issuance of a free patent:

1. Filing of application;

2. Investigation;

3. Posting of notice for two (2) consecutive weeks in the provincial capitol or municipal building and barangay hall concerned;

4. Order of approval of application and issuance of patent;

5. Preparation of Patent in Judicial Form 54 and 54-D and the technical description duly transcribed at the back thereof;

6. Transmittal of the Free Patent to the Register of Deeds concerned for the issuance of the corresponding Original Certificate of Title.

The following officials of the Department of Environment and Natural Resources (DENR) are authorized to approve applications for homestead and free patents:

1. Up to 5 hectares – Provincial Environment and Natural Resources Officer (PENRO)
2. More than 5 Ha. to 10 Ha. – Regional Executive Director of the DENR.


Homestead Patent is a mode of acquiring alienable and disposable lands of the public domain for agricultural purposes conditioned upon actual cultivation and residence.
Where should Homestead Application be filed?

A Homestead application like any other public land applications should be filed at the DENR-Community Environment and Natural Resources Office where the land being applied for is located.

Who are qualified to apply

1. Citizens of the Philippines.
2. Over 18 years old or head of the family.
3. Not the owner of more than 12 hectares of land pursuant to the 1987 constitution

Can a married woman make a Homestead entry?

A married woman can now apply for a patent application under DAO-2002-13 dated June 24, 2002 issued by the then Secretary of the Department of Environment and Natural Resources Heherzon T. Alvarez. This is in accordance with Article II, Section 14 of the Constitution and Republic Act No. 7192 otherwise known as the “Women in Development and Nation Building Act” as implemented by DAO No. 98-15 of May 27, 1998 on “Revised Guidelines on the Implementation of Gender and Development (GAD) Activities in the DENR”. This Administrative Order gives women, equal right as men in filing, acceptance, processing and approval of public land applications.

Legal Requirements

1. Application fee of P50.00;
2. Entry fee of P5.00;
3. Final fee of P5.00;
4. Approved plan and technical description of the land applied for;
5. Actual occupation and residence by the applicant;

Steps leading to the issuance of a Homestead patent

1. Filing of application;

2. Preliminary Investigation;

3. Approval of application;

4. Filing of final proof which consists of two (2) parts;

a. Notice of intention to make Final Proof which is posted for 30 days.
b. Testimony of the homesteader corroborated by two (2) witnesses mentioned in the notice. The Final Proof is filed not earlier than 1 year after the approval of the application but within 5 years from the said date.

5. Confirmatory Final Investigation;

6. Order of Issuance of Patent;

7. Preparation of patent using Judicial Form No. 67 and 67-D and the technical description duly inscribed at the back thereof;

8. Transmittal of the Homestead patent to the Register of Deeds concerned.

Signing and Approving Authority For Homestead and Free Patents:

Up to 5 hectares (has.) – PENRO
More than 5 Has. to 10 Has. – RED
More than 10 Has. – DENR Secretary


REPUBLIC ACT NO. 730 is an act permitting sale without public auction of alienable and disposable lands of the public domain for residential purpose.

The application to purchase the land is called the Miscellaneous Sales Application and the corresponding patent is called the Miscellaneous Sales Patent.

Who are Qualified to Apply?

A Filipino citizen of lawful age, married; if single, applicant must be the head or bread winner of the family;
He is not the owner of a home lot in the municipality/city where the land applied for is located;
He must have occupied in good faith the land applied for and constructed a house thereon where he/she and family is actually residing.

Requirements in the filing of a Miscellaneous Sales Application under R. A. No. 730
Application Filing fee of P50.00;

Approved plan and technical description of the land applied for;

Affidavit of the applicant stating that:

He is not the owner of any other home lot in the municipality/city where he resides.

He is requesting that the land be sold to him under the provision of R. A. No. 730.

If the applicant is single, he must submit an affidavit stating that he is the head or bread winner of the family;

The land is not needed for public use.

Maximum area that may be granted to an applicant
The applicant can only be granted a maximum area of 1,000 square meters.

Presidential Decree No. 2004 dated December 30, 1985 amended Section 2 of Republic Act 730 thus, lands acquired under this Act before and after the issuance of patent thereon are no longer subject to any restriction.

Steps in Acquiring a Miscellaneous Sales Patent

Filing of application at the CENRO;

investigation and appraisal of the land applied for;

Survey of the land if not yet surveyed;

Investigation report whether the applicant possesses the qualification for direct sales;
Comment and recommendation of the District/City engineer with the concurrence of the Regional Director, Department of Public works and Highways;

Recommendation to the PENRO for approval of appraisal and request for authority to sell without public auction;
Approval of appraisal and grant of authority to sell by the PENRO;

Posting of notice of sale without public auction for thirty (30) consecutive days in the following places:

CENRO Bulletin board
Municipal building bulletin board
Barangay Hall bulletin board
On the land itself

Submission of the proofs of posting and payment of at least 10% of the appraised value of the land;
Order of Award;

Proof of full payment of the purchase price of the land;
Order issuance of Miscellaneous Sales Patent in Judicial Form No. 167 with the technical description duly inscribed at the back thereof;

Approval and signature of the Miscellaneous Sales Patent by the official concerned;
Transmittal of the Miscellaneous Sales Patent to the Register of Deeds concerned for the issuance of the corresponding Original Certificate of the Title to the applicant.
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6/20/2018 8:30:00 PM
We telemarketers know we're universally loathed. Still, some people are quite pleasant on the phone.

One day I called a number and asked to speak with Mr. Morgan. The woman who answered explained that he no longer lived at that address, but she did have a number where he could be reached.

I thanked her, rang that number, and was greeted with, "Good morning, Highland View Cemetery."
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6/30/2018 7:45:00 AM
In our Anglican church, each service begins with a greeting. The officiating clergyman says, "The Lord be with you." The congregation used to respond by saying, "And with thy spirit."

But, with the modernizing of the liturgy, the minister now says, "The Lord be with you," and everyone responds with, "And also with you."

One Sunday a visiting bishop went to a church where the sound system was known to be old and unreliable. As he approached the microphone, he tapped it several times and finally said, "There's something wrong with this!"

Without hesitation, the whole congregation answered faithfully, "And also with you."
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7/12/2018 8:31:00 AM
Good answer!

Actual answers given by contestants on the game show The Family Feud:

Name something that floats in the bath - Water

Name something a blind person might use - A sword

Name a song with 'moon' in the title - Blue Suede Moon

Something you do before going to bed - Sleep

Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters

A sign of the zodiac - April

Something slippery - A con man

A part of the body beginning with the letter 'N' - Knee

Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
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7/12/2018 8:31:00 AM
The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper.

It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed, "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it."
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7/12/2018 8:33:00 AM
Lord’s Prayer

Two men were arguing about religion and as the discussion heated up, one said to the other, “I’ll bet you five dollars you don’t know the Lord’s Prayer!”

The other said, “I’ll take that bet,” and he started to pray: “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep.”

“I’ll be darned,” said the first man. “You win. I didn’t think you could do it.”
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Leo Beligan
7/19/2018 11:00:00 AM
A college student at a recent football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his.

"You grew up in a different world," the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ... and uh...."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the old geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What are YOU doing for the next generation?
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Leo Beligan
8/6/2018 9:23:00 PM
A regular customer walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight."

The man replies, "I sure am! Yesterday I was hired by the city to go around and collect money from the parking meters!"

The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.

The next night the same man walks back in, "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your first paycheck!"

With a wondrous look on his face, the man pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket and says, "You mean they're gonna PAY me too?"
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8/25/2018 7:53:00 AM
Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer.

"Gentlemen," he interrupted, "the best praying I ever did was hanging upside down from a telephone pole."
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8/28/2018 8:12:00 AM
A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."

"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."
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Leo Beligan
8/28/2018 10:15:00 PM
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
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nenita bautista torqueza
9/1/2018 8:51:00 PM
A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?"

The father answered immediately, "I just don't know, son. No male has ever lived that long yet."
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nenita bautista torqueza
9/1/2018 8:53:00 PM
was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated.

“Excuse me,” I said to a casino employee. “How does this work?”

The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle.

“And where does the money come out?” I asked.

He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, “Usually at the ATM.”
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nenita bautista torqueza
9/1/2018 9:02:00 PM
A guy is stranded on a desert

A guy is stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years. One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow! That's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "Oh my! Don't tell me you've got a computer in there!"
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nenita bautista torqueza
9/1/2018 9:07:00 PM
Marriage one-liners

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)

Keep your eyes wide open before the wedding, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. (Socrates)

A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended. (Evan Esar)

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (Milton Berle)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, ‘There's water in the carburetor'. I said, ‘Where's the car?' She said, ‘In the lake'. (Henny Youngman)

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. (Rita Rudner)

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)

All marriages are mixed marriages. (Chantal Saperstein)

There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. (Clint Eastwood)

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)
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nenita bautista torqueza
9/7/2018 7:51:00 AM
I took my four-year-old son, Josh, out to McDonald's for dinner one evening for a "guys' night out."

As we were eating our hamburgers, Josh asked, "Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?"

I explained that they were tiny seeds and that they were OK to eat.

He was quiet for a couple of minutes and I could tell he was in deep thought.

Finally, Josh looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our backyard, we will have enough hamburgers to last forever."
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9/13/2018 9:35:00 AM
One who cannot give time can never give love. But one who truly loves will always have time...
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9/22/2018 9:20:00 AM
I found a wallet with 20 dollars in it. I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought,
"What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.
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Leo Beligan
10/1/2018 10:51:00 AM
Three Nurses Tricks

Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.

The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear.

The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms.

The third nurse fainted.
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10/11/2018 7:00:00 AM
A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.

The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.

"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Happier than you were with me?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"

"I'm not in Heaven, dear."
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10/24/2018 9:22:00 AM
Question And Answer Jokes

Q: How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A: Other lawyers look interested.

Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
A: Because they are used to doing all of their lying indoors.

Q: What happened to the banker who went to law school?
A: Now she's a loan shark.

Q: Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
A: Law school.

Q: How do you define double jeopardy?
A: When a lawyer calls in her partner.

Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A: All the information you need, but you can't understand a word of it.

Q: What's worse than pleading guilty to murder?
A: Getting jail time and getting robbed--hiring an attorney to defend you.

Q: What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them, but you never see them.
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10/24/2018 10:43:00 AM
While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
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11/2/2018 3:29:00 PM
One Sunday morning, a wife complained of a bad stomach ache and wouldn't be able to attend the church service, so her husband went alone. When he returned later, he had two black eyes!

When she asked what happened, he explained that when everyone rose to sing a hymn, he noticed the lady in the pew in front of him had her dress tucked into her rear end. Well, being ever the gentleman, he figured she wouldn't want to be seen that way, so he reached forward and pulled it out for her. She turned around and slugged him in the eye!

"But," his wife said, "how did the OTHER eye get black too?"

He explained: "When she turned back around, I was still a bit stunned, but I thought to myself she must have wanted it there, so I reached forward and gently tucked it back in."
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11/11/2018 7:44:00 AM
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this! I am a congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
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