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BINNALBALATONG KEN ANG-ANGAW 2009

PITONG
1/24/2009 12:05:00 AM

kAS DIAY DAMO, DAYTOY NGA ISTAMBAYAN KET ISU LAATTA TAY INTAY PAGIINNANGAWAN, PAGI-ISTORIAAN, AGPAYSO MAN WENNO SAAN, PAGBIBINNALATONGAN TA NAPIA LAENG NGA PAGKAKATAWAAN KEN PAGLINGLINGAYAN.

KEN AGBALIN KOMA DAYTOY NGA DALAN TAPNO MAKASARAK TAYO TI BARO NGA GAGAYYEM KEN KADAP-AYAN.

AGYAMANAK GAGAYYEM TI ANUS YO NGA UMAY AGIPOSPOSTE KEN AGBASBASA KADAGITOY MAKAPAELLEKS KEN MAKAPAISEM NGA MENSAHE.

SIGE GAGAYYEM RUGIAN YON TA NAPIA LA NGA PAGPALAG-AN TI BIAG.



Sungsungbat/Komentario

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BORIS
3/19/2016 7:30:00 AM
Teacher: "Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you?"

Students: "Eggs!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you?"

Students: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Students: "Homework!"
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lintik
3/22/2016 9:06:00 PM
A certain man had fallen into the habit of being less than attentive to his wife. Coming home from work, he would head straight for the refrigerator, grab something to drink, sink into a stuffed chair in the living room and watch TV until supper time. Then he would eat, go back to the TV, fall asleep and awaken just long enough to fall into bed.
One day -- shortly after he had received a strong heart-to-heart talk from a family friend -- the man decided to stop at the florist and buy a bouquet of roses for his wife. Then he had another idea: why not a bottle of perfume, too! Rushing home, he greeted his wife with a big smile and handed her the gifts.
She looked as if she had been struck by bad news and immediately burst into tears.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"It's been a horrible day," she sobbed. "First, Billy broke two front teeth. Then I lost my wallet with thirty dollars cash, my driver's license and my two visa cards. An hour ago, the washing machine flooded the basement. And now you have to come home drunk!"
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lintik
3/22/2016 9:07:00 PM
In the restaurant
A son took his old father to a restaurant for an evening dinner.
Father being very old and weak, while eating, dropped food on his shirt and trousers. Other diners watched him in disgust while his son was calm.
After he finished eating, his son who was not at all embarrassed, quietly took him to the wash room, wiped the food particles, removed the stains, combed his hair and fitted his spectacles firmly. When they came out, the entire restaurant was watching them in dead silence, not able to grasp how someone could embarrass themselves publicly like that.
The son settled the bill and started walking out with his father.
At that time, an old man amongst the diners called out to the son and asked him, “Don’t you think you have left something behind?”.
The son replied, “No sir, I haven’t”.
The old man retorted, “Yes, you have! You left a lesson for every son and hope for every father”.
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apdo
3/28/2016 6:28:00 AM
A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home. My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night."

The first guy replies, "Ill help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning."

The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try. When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face.

As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.

Seeing her he screamed, "What are you doing in here?!"

"Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."
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apdo
3/28/2016 6:29:00 AM
Four people are in an airplane, the pilot, the smartest man in the world, the richest man in the world, and a punk teenager.

The airplane experiences some difficulties, and the pilot informs the three passengers that the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes on the plane.

The richest man in the world takes one, because he says that his lawyers will sue everyone else on the plane if he doesn't survive.

The smartest man in the world takes a parachute, because he thinks that the world would be a worse place without him.

The pilot says to the punk "There's only one parachute left, I'll fight you for it."

"That won't be necessary," said the punk, "The smartest man in the world took my backpack."
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Leo Beligan
4/2/2016 7:43:00 AM
A Police officer called over to the Station on his radio.

"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet. The floor's still wet."
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Leo Beligan
4/2/2016 7:44:00 AM
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breastfed or bottle-fed.

"Breastfed", she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist." The doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know", she said, "I am his Grandma."
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Leo Beligan
4/2/2016 7:45:00 AM
Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem."

Dr. Saul says, "So, tell me about the dog and the problem."

"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving, and he can talk," says Morty.

"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.

"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: "Irving, fetch!"

Irving , the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"

Dr. Saul is amazed. "This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?"

Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'fetch,' not 'kvetch.'"


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Leo Beligan
4/2/2016 7:46:00 AM
My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.

"Are we expecting guests?" I asked.

"No," she replied.

"Then why did you buy so much bread?
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cirenia
4/8/2016 7:15:00 AM
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."

She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word 'comfortable'. Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"

The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow, 'Come for ta bull.'"
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cirenia
4/14/2016 7:25:00 AM
After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.

Later, the wife's roommate commented: "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."


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cirenia
4/14/2016 7:26:00 AM
This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered twice weekly. Your wife, on the other hand, answered several times a night."

"Thats right," replies the bloke, "And thats how its going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."
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cirenia
4/14/2016 7:28:00 AM
Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely. I thought, "Ill call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

"Hello, maam, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, Id like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. Im in town all alone andwhat I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything youve got in your bag of tricks. Well go hot and heavy all night -tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby. Now how does that sound?"

He says, "Oh my God... that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."


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abigail
4/28/2016 8:49:00 AM
Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.
Its a combo car --
Theyre starting with the Renault "Clio".
Then adding luxury features from the Ford "Taurus".
The result will be sold as the "Clitaurus".
It only comes in pink.
The main benefit of the new hybrid: the average car thief wont be able to find it, even if someone tells him exactly where it is.
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lintik
5/2/2016 6:45:00 AM
Two men are discussing how cold their wives had been to them when it came to sex. The first fellow says "My wifes so cold I can put a glass of water in bed with her and the next morning its turned to ice."
The second fellow says "Hell, every time my old lady spreads her legs the furnace kicks in!"


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abigail
5/8/2016 6:33:00 AM
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. However, the next morning the kangaroo was out again, just roaming around the zoo.

The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to twenty feet. Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo was again roaming around the zoo. This kept on, night after night, until the fence was sixty feet high.

Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo replied, "Probably a hundred feet, unless somebody starts locking the gate at night."
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abigail
5/11/2016 6:50:00 AM
A wife once gave her husband the silent treatment for an entire week. She didn't say anything, she just put it into practice. She was hoping it would make him be more attentive to her and to their marriage.

At the end of the week she decided to bring up subject. "You notice anything different about us this past week?"

Without missing a beat, and without having a clue either, he replied. “Yeah, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”
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Leo Beligan
5/17/2016 5:14:00 AM
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"


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Leo Beligan
5/17/2016 5:14:00 AM
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"


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Leo Beligan
5/17/2016 5:15:00 AM
An IRS agent stepped into a synagogue looking for the rabbi. "Rabbi," he said when he found him," do you know a Mr. Morris Katz?"

"Well, yes, I do," said the rabbi.

"Is he a member of your congregation?" asked the agent.

"Uh, yes, he is," said the rabbi, "why do you ask?"

"I'm from the IRS. Can you tell me something? Did he make the $100,000 donation to the synagogue, that he claimed on his tax return?" asked the IRS agent.

"I would have to check our records," replied the rabbi, "but if he hasn't, I can assure you that he will!"


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Leo Beligan
5/17/2016 5:16:00 AM
At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated by attending a late night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met any "potential dates" at the party.

"Oh, I'm much more attracted to the strong academic types than to the party animals," she said. "What's your G.P.A.?"

Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 25 in the city and 40 on the highway."
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Leo Beligan
5/17/2016 5:17:00 AM
At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated by attending a late night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met any "potential dates" at the party.

"Oh, I'm much more attracted to the strong academic types than to the party animals," she said. "What's your G.P.A.?"

Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 25 in the city and 40 on the highway."
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abigail
5/21/2016 5:31:00 AM
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'

The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'

The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'

The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'
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abigail
5/21/2016 5:32:00 AM
My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.

“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “which would you get?”

“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”
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apdo
5/27/2016 7:28:00 PM
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.
His assistant walked up to him and said,
'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'
The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.
He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was a volkswagen with two flat tires..
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cirenia
6/2/2016 5:46:00 AM
One week before her wedding, a mother pulls aside her daughter (and bride-to-be). She says, "I will now give you the advice that has been passed down from generation to generation, from woman to woman."

The daughter listened attentively, curious as to what the advice would be.

The mom continued, "Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish, and you get rid of him for the whole weekend."
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cirenia
6/2/2016 5:48:00 AM
A blonde called her boyfriend and said:

"Please come over here and help me. I have a puzzle and I cant figure it out or how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when its finished?"

The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, its a tiger."

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box.

He then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, were not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I want you to relax. Lets have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............," he sighed,

"Lets put all of these frosted flakes back into the box."
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apdo
6/10/2016 6:08:00 AM
When I was a teenager, I worked as a bagger for the local supermarket. One of the rules there was baggers cannot accept tips when helping people bring groceries to their car. One day I was putting groceries in an old man's car. When he was finished he said, "Here young man. I want you to have a picture of your uncle George."

What it really was, was a dollar bill. Thinking quickly, I pocketed the 'picture'. I then asked him, "Have any pictures of my grandfathers Ulysses and/or Benjamin?"
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abigail
6/22/2016 7:34:00 AM
At an art gallery, a woman and her 10 year old son were having a tough time choosing between two paintings. They finally chose and went with the autumn themed one.

“I see you prefer an autumn scene as opposed to a floral one,” said the gallery owner, who happened to be nearby and witnessed the mother-son interaction.

“No,” said the boy. “This painting is wider, so it’ll cover the three holes I put in the wall.”
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abigail
6/22/2016 7:35:00 AM
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."


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abigail
6/29/2016 8:03:00 AM
An interim school superintendent, speaking at a city-wide PTA luncheon, assured members that he was always happy to hear from them about problems. He told them, "You can call me day or night, at this number . . ."

Suddenly there was a cry from the assistant superintendent. "Hey," he exclaimed,"that's MY number!"


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abigail
6/29/2016 8:04:00 AM
A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes that are clearly undersized for him. The salesman says, "But, sir, I can see from up here that you'll need much bigger shoes than that."

The guy says, "That's OK, please bring me the smaller ones."

The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, and then he stands up, obviously in pain. The salesman just has to ask, "Sir, why must you have these undersized shoes?"

He says to the salesman, "I work a boring job, my mother-in-law has just moved in with us, my wife is nagging all the time, and our daughter does nothing but run around screaming the whole day. The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these tight shoes."
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cirenia
7/6/2016 6:07:00 AM
A woman had bought lots of shoes over time and she decided it was time to kick the habit. She really took it seriously, even changing her driving route to avoid her favorite shoe store. One evening, however, she arrived home carrying a shoe box. Her husband grinned at her, but it didn't faze her at all.

"These are very special shoes," she explained. "I accidentally drove by the shoe store and there in the window were the most perfect shoes I've ever seen! I felt this was no accident, so I thought I'd let fate decide. If I would get a parking spot directly in front of the shop, the shoes were meant for me. And sure enough, the eighth time around the block, there it was!"
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cirenia
7/6/2016 6:09:00 AM
When my wife and I were vacationing in the eastern part of our state, our car's license plate was stolen.
We planned to go to a local office for a replacement, but then we discovered that our registration had expired. The new one was at home in a pile of mail. After much thought, we came up with a solution. Taping a sign over the empty license plate space on the rear of the vehicle, we made the eight-hour trip home safely.
Not a single state trooper stopped us, but many passing motorists took great pains to honk and wave at us.

Our sign read "Just Married!"


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Leo Beligan
7/28/2016 7:56:00 AM
A Shaolin monk, a great philosopher and a priest were walking down a country road and came upon a young farm boy. At that moment the four of them looked up to see a chicken crossing the road.

The question arose, why does the chicken cross the road?

The Shaolin monk said it’s the destiny of the chicken to seek its own path.

The great philosopher said its action teaches a lesson in the ways of nature much like life itself.

The Priest said it’s because it follows the plan of our maker under his divine rule.

Just then the young farm boy spoke up, "Actually, it’s because I left the chicken coop door open."
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Leo Beligan
7/28/2016 7:59:00 AM
A guy in a hurry used the ladies 'toilet in a posh hotel'..

He sat down and noticed four buttons - WW, WA, PP & APR.

Curious, he pressed WW & his butt was gently sprayed with WARM WATER, he loved it so much!

He then pressed WA & a blast of WARM AIR dried him up.

Still loving it, He pressed PP & a POWDER PUFF to make him smell fresh.

Feeling pampered, he decided to press the last button APR.

He later woke up in a hospital.

A nurse smiled & said to him, Sir, APR means AUTOMATIC PAD REMOVER. When the machine couldn't find a pad on you, it went for your balls.

Your balls are in the jar over there!
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abigail
8/12/2016 8:25:00 AM
My mother-in-law sent me two sweaters for Christmas.

When she came for a visit, I put on one of the sweaters.

The first thing she said was, "What's the matter? Didn't you like the other one?"
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Leo Beligan
8/20/2016 8:17:00 AM
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude . . .?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
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abigail
8/26/2016 5:43:00 PM
Little Johnny asks his father:
"Where does the wind come from?"

"I don't know."

"Why do dogs bark?"

"I don't know."

"Why is the earth round?"

"I don't know."

"Does it disturb you that I ask so much?"

"No son. Please ask. Otherwise you will never learn anything."
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abigail
8/30/2016 8:04:00 PM
Teachers, Enthusiasm, Example
According to leading Educators, the number one qualification of a good teacher is enthusiasm for the subject being taught.
Our word “enthusiasm,” comes from the Greek, and it means “God within.” “Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm,” wrote Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Thomas Carlyle, the famous Scottish writer and historian, once received a letter from a young man who wanted to become a teacher. “Mr. Carlyle,” he wrote, “I wish to be a teacher. Will you tell me the secret of successful teaching?”
Carlyle replied, “Be what you would have your pupils be. All other teaching is unblessed mockery.”
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lintik
9/3/2016 11:39:00 AM
Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer support phone number we found in the manual.

I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.

He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more.

"Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?"

"Okay," the computer support guy said, "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?
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cirenia
9/18/2016 9:44:00 PM
During their 50th anniversary wedding celebration at a banquet in their honor, my Dad was asked to give a brief account of the benefits achieved from being married for so long.

My father stood up, thought for a long moment, then said, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness, and...." he paused.

"And?" someone cried out from the back of the room.

"...and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single!" my father exclaimed.

The room erupted in laughter.
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lintik
9/28/2016 7:15:00 PM
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man: "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
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lintik
10/17/2016 6:45:00 PM
How do you get an elderly lady to curse?

Get another one to say bingo!


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apdo
10/25/2016 11:05:00 PM
The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic awhile back.
"Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times???"

"Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"


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lintik
11/12/2016 6:48:00 PM
pasyente: dok, madi pay met latta ti marik-riknak manipud daydi naudi nga iyu-umayko ditoy.

doktor: tinungpal mo met la diay instruksion a nakakabil idiay agas nga inted ko?

pasyente: wen dok, binasak a nalaing. kunana ket "keep tightly closed."
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otiang
3/13/2017 7:51:00 PM
HYMNS.
One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that whoever put the most money in the offering plates would be allowed to pick three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed around, the pastor saw that someone had contributed $100 bill.
He shared his joy with the congregation and said he'd like to thank the person who had placed so much money on the plate..
A quiet, elderly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. He praised her generosity and asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three handsomest men and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
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otiang
3/13/2017 7:52:00 PM
First plane trip.......copied from John Wen"s jokes
Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for the
very first time.
The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna put me on sum
hot pink panties beefo' I gets on dat plane.'
Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked.
The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare
laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'
The second lady said, 'Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some Floe resant
orange panties.'
'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.
The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I
be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'
The third lady says, Well, I ain’t gonna wear no panties...
What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.
The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right.
I ain't wearing no panties cos, honey, dey always be lookin for da black box first.'
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otiang
3/13/2017 7:54:00 PM
Repentance, Adultery, Offering
To conclude a long sermon on repentance, a fire-and-brimstone preacher said forcefully, “I want everyone in this congregation to know that there is one among us who especially needs to repent this day — a man who has been unfaithful to his wife. I want him to know that I know who he is and that if he knows what is good for him, he had better put a twenty dollar bill in today’s offering.”
When the service was over it was discovered that the collection plates contained 14 twenty dollar bills together with a note attached to an offering of $17 dollars which read as follows:
“This is all I had with me. I’ll put in the other $3 next week.”
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cirenia
4/6/2017 8:43:00 PM
There are three kinds of men in this world.
Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
The rest get married and wonder what happened!
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apdo
4/13/2017 9:38:00 AM
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."


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apdo
4/13/2017 9:39:00 AM
I lost a good friend and drinking buddy this past weekend in a tragic accident.

He got his finger stuck in a wedding ring.


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Leo Beligan
4/24/2017 6:20:00 AM
A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman.
The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am."
The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room.
The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...".
The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"
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abigail
5/11/2017 7:00:00 PM
anak : tatang, tatang nya't english ti saba.
tantang : dippig anak
anak : kuna ta'y maestra mi "banana"
tatang : no naluom

anak : tatang, tatang nya't english ti kayo.
tantang : acasia anak
anak : kuna ta'y maestra mi "tree"
tatang : no tallo
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abigail
6/12/2017 7:27:00 AM
After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."

The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."

"Because it endured forever."
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abigail
7/8/2017 10:33:00 AM
Recently, I bought a cartridge for my printer. It came in a box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic. When I took it apart, I found that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite small, but they made the packaging unnecessarily large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price.

I pointed this out to my wife and mentioned how my weight gain over the years of our marriage should have the same effect: It made me seem more valuable and also made me harder for other women to steal.
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abigail
8/13/2017 9:13:00 PM
After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange. So she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."
Husband: "What’s up?"
Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this is not our kid."
Husband: "Well you don’t remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here."
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abigail
9/8/2017 7:44:00 AM
A man gets a construction job on a remote base deep in the forest.
The foreman walks him around and shows him the equipment.
After the tour the man asks his manager, "So hey boss...seeing as this is a long-term remote position...what do you guys do...you know for pleasure."
"Say no more. We're all mature men here. Follow me."
The foreman takes him to a large tree at the far corner of the base. "See that hole in the tree? Stick yer dick in it."
So the man does as he's told and experiences magic like he had never felt before. Weeks go by and everyday after work he goes back to the magic tree and receives an amazing pleasure.
However, one day he went to the tree and nothing happened. Shocked and disappointed, the man confronted his boss. "Sir when I went to the tree this evening I was very sad to discover that the magic has run out."
"Hmm...that's strange," says the foreman as he's scanning down his clipboard.
"Oh. Bingo. Yeah I found the problem. It's your turn in the tree."
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Leo Beligan
9/28/2017 7:38:00 PM
10 Most Important Things For A Healthy Relationship
1. LOVE:
The Special Feeling That Makes You Feel, All Warm And Wonderful.
2. RESPECT:
Treating Others As Well As You Would Like To Be Treated.
3. APPRECIATION:
To Be Grateful For All The Good Things Life Has To Offer.
4. HAPPINESS:
The Full Enjoyment of Each Moment, A Smiling Face.
5. FORGIVENESS:
The Ability To Let Things Be Without Anger.
6. SHARING:
The Joy Of Giving Without Thought Of Receiving.
7. HONESTY:
The Quality Of Always Telling The Truth.
8. INTEGRITY:
The Purity Of Doing What’s Right, No Matter What.
9. COMPASSION:
The Essence of Feeling Another’s Pain, While Easing Their Hurt.
10. TRUST and PEACE:
The Reward for Living the 10 Most Important Things.
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cirenia
10/17/2017 11:48:00 PM
She had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. Aha, she thought, I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I'll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it. Voila, one cheap wedding present."

She took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith examined the tray carefully, shook his head and said, "Lady, this can only be done so many times!"
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lintik
11/13/2017 8:02:00 PM
Today is World Penis Day!!!

A true friend is like a penis, he stands up for you in times of need. A genuine friend is like a bra, she supports you at all times. A faithful friend is like a condom , he protects you from all harm. A loving friend is like a vagina, she accomodates you fully despite the size of your problem.

What kind of a friend are you to me? Penis, condom, bra or vagina friend?

Do you know that the penis is the greatest breakfast ever? According to doctors it has a mushroom head, a sausage body, two eggs and milk which provide nutrients. Thus making ladies healthy and full for 9 months. Besides it has 3 good manners too.
1. It's very courteous... it stands before it performs
2. It is very emotional... it weeps during performance 3. It is polite... it bows after performing.

Send to ladies 2 laugh and to men 2 make them happy and proud of themselves.

?1. Kamasutra says : If you suck one nipple, the woman herself offers the other one. And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!

?2. Did you ever notice: everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs & lower body with a "P" Peticoat, panties, pussy... That's the origin of "BP"!

?3. Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.

?4. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
?5. Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.

?6. Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life..!

?When a lady is pregnant,
all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!".
But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".
Moral: Hard work is never appreciated: Only results matter.
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apdo
12/19/2017 4:16:00 PM
A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read Unique Breakfast, so he walked in and sat down.

The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.

"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked.

"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.

"Baked tongue of chicken? Baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like, then?"

"Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.
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nenita bautista torqueza
1/11/2018 6:57:00 AM
The crowded cafeteria sported a large sign reading: "Watch Your Hat and Overcoat."

Meyer did. He kept turning every minute, almost choking over his food. His pal, Moshe, kept on eating, without thought of his own coat on the hook.

Finally Moshe said, "You, dope...stop watching our overcoats."

"I'm only watching mine," replied Meyer. "Yours has been gone for over half an hour."
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apdo
1/29/2018 6:40:00 AM
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars."

"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young man exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
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lintik
2/6/2018 4:14:00 PM
Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife's better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.

By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all over again. My wife agreed.

I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, "Honey, I'm home!"

"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply. "It's after seven o'clock!"
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lintik
3/1/2018 7:53:00 PM
A lady had been exposed to strep and needed to visit the doctor's office just to have her throat swabbed for a culture. She sat in the waiting room for quite a while with her legs crossed, reading a magazine while other patients came and went. Suddenly her turn was called, but when she stood up to go in, she discovered her leg was "asleep." Not wanting to keep the nurse waiting, she limped and staggered toward the inner office door. She noticed one elderly lady nudging another who sat beside her, as the two of them sympathetically watched her painful progress.

Two minutes later, her procedure completed and her leg back to normal, she walked easily back into the waiting room. As she strode past the two elderly ladies, she overheard one whisper triumphantly to the other, "See, Myrtle, I TOLD you he was a wonderful doctor!"
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cirenia
3/11/2018 9:13:00 PM
Man: Is there any way for long life?

Dr: Get married.

Man: Will it help?

Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.
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cirenia
3/11/2018 9:14:00 PM
What is a miracle?

We can define it in various ways:
something that goes against the laws of nature;
an intercession in moments of deep crisis;
healings and visions;
impossible encounters;
a last-minute intervention when the Unwanted Visitor arrives.

All these definitions are true, but a miracle goes beyond even that.
It’s something that suddenly fills our hearts with Love.
When that happens, we feel a profound reverence for the grace God has bestowed on us.
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innok
3/23/2018 9:55:00 PM
“When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.”
  Top   |  Bottom

innok
3/23/2018 9:57:00 PM
Google's pizza

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google's pizza.

- So it's a wrong number? Sorry
- No sir, Google bought it.

- OK. Take my order please
- Well sir, you want the usual?

- The usual? You know me?
- According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizzawith cheeses, sausage, thick crust.

- OK! This is it ...
- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato.?

- What? I hate vegetables.
- Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

- How do you know?
- We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscribers guide.
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

- Okay, but I do not want this pizza!,I already take medicine ...
-Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.

- I bought more from another drugstore.
- It's not showing on your credit card statement

- I paid in cash
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement

- I have have other source of cash
- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.

-WHAT THE HELL?
- I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.

- Enough! I'm sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me

- I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 5 weeks ago
  Top   |  Bottom

innok
3/23/2018 9:58:00 PM
Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others. The same applies when you are stupid
  Top   |  Bottom

innok
3/23/2018 9:59:00 PM
A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25 cents each — three for a dollar."

All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"

Meekly the grocer agreed and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"

"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
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innok
3/23/2018 10:00:00 PM
Listening

Scientists tell us that the deaf person who suddenly recovers the sense of hearing is likely to find exposure to the world of sound a frightening experience. It is not uncommon for the cured person to seek to return to the world of silence.

It takes time and conditioning to learn how to interpret sounds and to distinguish between those that threaten and those that do not. Being born with the ability to hear is not of our own doing. But the ability to listen -- to be a good listener -- is an art that we develop ourselves.
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innok
3/23/2018 10:01:00 PM
A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.

"Hey, what's up with you?", he asks.

"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She hired a new secretary for me."

"Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?"

"Neither, He's bald."
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Leo Beligan
3/23/2018 10:02:00 PM
There's a true story about a convicted con man who was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City.

To which the judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."
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lintik
4/7/2018 8:06:00 AM
Today is World Penis Day

A true friend is like a penis, he stands up for you in times of need. A genuine friend is like a bra, she supports you at all times. A faithful friend is like a condom , he protects you from all harm. A loving friend is like a vagina, she accomodates you fully despite the size of your problem.
what kind of a friend are you to me? Penis, condom, bra or vagina friend?

Do u know that the penis is the greatest breakfast ever? According to doctors it has a mushroom head, a sausage body, two eggs and milk which provides nutrients. Thus making ladies healthy and full for 9 months. Besides it has 3 good manners too.
1. Its very courteous, it stands before it performs
2. It is very emotional, it weeps during performance 3. It is polite, it bows after performing.

Send to ladies 2 laugh and to men 2 make them happy and proud of themselves. ?1. Kamasutra says : If you suck one nipple, the woman herself offers the other one. And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!

?2. Did you ever notice: everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs & lower body with a "P" Peticoat, panties, pussy... That's origin of "BP"!

?3. Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.

?4. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
?5. Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.

?6. Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life..!

?When a lady is pregnant,
all her friends touch her stomach ad say "Congrats!".
But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".
Moral: Hard work is never appreciated: Only results matter.


?Now that I've educated. you, share this fun. ????

Happy penis day
  Top   |  Bottom

apdo
4/18/2018 7:58:00 PM
Why Some Men have Dogs and Not Wives!!!

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
To test this theory: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you
  Top   |  Bottom

abigail
4/20/2018 6:44:00 AM
A newlywed young man was sitting on the porch on a humid day, sipping ice tea with his Father.
As he talked about adult life, marriage, responsibilities, and obligations, the Father thoughtfully stirred the ice cubes in his glass and cast a clear, sober look on his Son.
"Never forget your friends," he advised, "they will become more important as you get older."
"Regardless of how much you love your family and the children you happen to have, you will always need friends. Remember to go out with them occasionally (if possible), but keep in contact with them some how.
"What strange advice!" thought the young man. "I just entered the married world, I am an adult and surely my wife and the family that we will start will be everything I need to make sense of my life."
Yet, he obeyed his Father; kept in touch with his friends and annually increased their number. Over the years, he became aware that his Father knew what he was talking about.
Inasmuch as time and nature carry out their designs and mysteries on a person, friends are the bulwarks of our life.
After 60 years of life, here is what he (and you) will have learned:
Time passes.

Life goes on.

The distance separates.

Children grow up.

Children cease to be children and become independent. And to the parents, it breaks their heart but the children are separated of the parents.

Jobs come and go.

Illusions, desires, attraction, sex....weakens.

People do not do what they should do.

The heart breaks.

The parents die.

Colleagues forget the favors.

The races are over.

But, true friends are always there, no matter how long or how many miles away they are.
A friend is never more distant than the reach of a need, intervening in your favor, waiting for you with open arms or in some way blessing your life.
When we started this adventure called LIFE, we did not know of the incredible joys or sorrows that were ahead. We did not know how much we would need from each other. Love your parents, take care of your children, but keep a group of good friends. Dialog with them but do not impose your criteria.
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cirenia
4/21/2018 8:24:00 AM
From Art Tiu:

??There is magic in appreciating the goodness of others. ?When we talk nicely of other people, we give the impression to those who listen to us that there is overflowing goodness in our heart . ????Desire HAPPINESS for others. Be happy when they are happy. ?Be the person that people can count on. ?Be the source of GOD's Joy, Love and Strength.????Be grateful for difficult times, it is during times of trouble that we grow and become stronger!?Be thankful for limitations, they are opportunities to improve. ?Be thankful for trials, they teach us the lessons that turn into blessings. ?Everything has a purpose. Everything is beautiful in GOD's time!??Good afternoon!?A luminous Saturday to us all!?God is good all the time!?God always makes a way!?God loves us!?Let us trust and believe Him!??May God bless us...?all the days of our lives!
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nenita bautista torqueza
5/17/2018 10:27:00 AM
Articles of faith are often beyond human reason. Thus, no temporal necessity to bash, insult, gang up on or kill anyone because of his faith...
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cirenia
6/26/2018 8:17:00 AM
An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners.

He took the car out for a test drive and made two right turns, each time hearing a loud clunk.

Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."
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lintik
7/17/2018 2:22:00 PM
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"

"Really!?" he said. "Have you tried mouthwash?"
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abigail
8/2/2018 8:29:00 PM
Ten reasons why employers should serve alcohol at work:

1 It reduces complaints about low pay.

2 It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

3 It eliminates holidays because people would rather come to work.

4 Employees work later instead of going to the pub.

5 Stops employees getting drunk on their lunch break.

6 Staff no longer need free coffee to sober up.

7 It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

8 It cuts down on time off because staff can work with a hangover.

9 Employees are a lot less likely to remember about promotion.

10 It leads to more honest communications.
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abigail
8/2/2018 8:30:00 PM
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He said: "Call for backup."
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abigail
8/2/2018 9:16:00 PM
Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.

Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher; I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week in unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week. When Ole found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the unemployment office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained that panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor.

"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on, and Sven pulls on it and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter.'"

(did he mean "this'll fit her"?
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apdo
8/15/2018 8:53:00 AM
"Doc," Shakey said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me; I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later, the doctor met Shakey on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
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apdo
8/15/2018 8:54:00 AM
I deliver pizza to help cover my college tuition. Once I called on customers who sent their seven-year-old son to pay me. As he approached the screen door, I noticed he was carrying a check in one hand and two dollars in the other, which I assumed was my tip.

To my dismay, he pocketed the bills before handing me the check, which was for the exact cost of the pizza.

"Could that have been a tip?" I asked, trying not to sound accusatory.

"Yep," he replied proudly. "Not bad for just a walk from the living room and back!"
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apdo
8/15/2018 8:55:00 AM
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
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apdo
9/5/2018 3:22:00 PM
While working in a clothing store, I noticed that people had no shame about returning items that obviously had been worn. One rainy morning I walked in and found a discolored blazer hanging on the rack with other returns. "People return the most filthy, nasty things," I commented to my supervisor who was standing nearby.

Eyebrow raised, she said, "That's my jacket."
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apdo
9/5/2018 3:23:00 PM
In a small town in the United States, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.

Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous, or what?"

"Not at all, ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut, and don't pout when I yell at them."
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apdo
9/12/2018 9:24:00 PM
A tourist parked his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"

"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Congress?"

"Well, no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."
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abigail
9/25/2018 8:06:00 PM
A young soldier with panic in his eyes ran up to a beautiful nun.

Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt, Sister? I’ll explain later.”

The friendly nun nodded and let the man crawl in under her skirt.

A moment later, a couple of Military Police ran up to the nun and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier around here?”

She pointed away and replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt. He smiled at her and said, “I can’t thank you enough, Sister. You see, I don’t want to go to some foreign country and shoot people.”

The nun nodded and said, “I understand completely.”

The soldier hesitated for a moment, but then added, “I hope I’m not being rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”

The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls. I don’t want to go to war either!”
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Leo Beligan
10/7/2018 7:52:00 AM
"I'm so worried," the nervous patient said as the nurse plumped up his pillows. "Last week, I read about a man who was in the hospital because of heart trouble, and he died of malaria."

"Relax," the nurse said smiling. "This is a first-rate hospital. When we treat someone for heart trouble, he dies of heart trouble."
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Leo Beligan
10/7/2018 7:52:00 AM
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
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Leo Beligan
10/7/2018 7:54:00 AM
My wife, a registered nurse, once fussed over every pain or mishap that came my way. Recently, however, I got an indication that the honeymoon is over.

I was about to fix the attic fan, and as I lifted myself from the ladder in the attic, I scratched my forehead on a crossbeam. Crawling along, I picked up splinters in both hands, and I cut one hand replacing the fan belt. On the way down the ladder, I missed the last two rungs and turned my ankle.

When I limped into the kitchen, my wife took one look and said, "Are those your good pants?"
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Leo Beligan
10/7/2018 8:01:00 AM
A man is bragging about his new hearing aid. "It's the best I've ever had," he says. "It cost $3,000."

His friend asks, "What kind is it?"

He says, "Half past four!"
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abigail
10/16/2018 8:58:00 AM
A lawyer, a doctor, and a preacher went hunting together. When a prize buck ran past them, they all fired at the exact same moment and the buck dropped.

However, there was only one bullet hole, and they didn't know which of them shot it. So they took it to the registration center, not knowing who should tag it.

The agent said, "Let me look at the deer. Sometimes I can figure it out."

He asked a few questions, examined the deer carefully, and declared, "The preacher shot this buck!"

Amazed, they all asked how he knew. Stooping down, he pointed out the wound. "See here. It went in one ear and out the other."
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abigail
10/16/2018 8:59:00 AM
At my granddaughter's wedding reception, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and me. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly married couple?"

I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"

Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."
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apdo
10/30/2018 7:47:00 AM
Teacher: Joey, if you put your hand in one pants pocket and found 75 cents, then you put your other hand in your other pants pocket and found 50 cents, what would you have?

Joey: I'd have somebody else's pants on!
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cirenia
11/8/2018 8:30:00 PM
The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to the sleeping student's neighbor, "Hey, wake that student up!"

The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep -- you wake him up!"
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