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BINNALBALATONG KEN ANG-ANGAW

PITONG
2/2/2008 7:07:00 PM

KAS IPASIMUDAAG TI TITULO, DAYTOY NGA TAMBAYAN KET ISU TI LUGAR NGA INTAY MAN PAGI-INNANGAWAN
PAGKIKINNATAWAAN, BINNOLASTOGAN, PAGPIPINNASAWAN, PINNASAGIDAN, PAGE-ESTORIAAN, PAGKANTAAN,
PAGDANIWAN, BUKANEGAN, PAGRIRIAN, PAGAAPAAN, DINNANOGAN, PAGBIBINNARTEKAN KEN NO ANIA LATTAN...

DAGITAY GAGAYYEM KO NGA NORMAL KEN DAGITA MAKUNA NGA "A.B.NORMAL" IMBITADO KAY AMIN AGRAMAN
DAGITAY KAWAW WENNO DIPPIG TI ULODA NGA MAIYANG-ANGIN, DAGITAY SANGADANGAN TI AGUY-UYAUY NGA
ALMORANAS DA, DAGITAY AGGUD GUD, DAGITAY NARABAW TI PURIIT NA, DAKAYO NGA NANG-AAGAW NG
LAKAS, DAGITAY MEMBERS KEN PRESIDENT TI "VFA". KASTA MET DAGITAY ADDICT TI KAPE KEN CR,
DAKAYO NGA BARTEKERO, BIBIANGOT, MANUTSUTIL, KEN KASTA MET DAGITAY NAPIPINTAS NGA BABBALASANG
(uray saan)KEN DAGITAY NALASANG, KASTA MET DAGITAY MANIKURISKIE, MANNANIWSKI KEN DAGITAY MONICA
LEWINSKI NA MAHILIG MAG ICE CANDY...ALA DAKAY AMIN UMAY KAYON...BWI HI HI HI(hiram lang)

ala rugian yun gagayyem....WARNING;LAUGH AT YOUR OWN RISK, NAKAMISUUT IS DANGEROUS TO YOUR HEALTH.



Sungsungbat/Komentario

Show ALL Comments  | Last 100  |
PITONG
12/31/2008 4:48:00 AM
Sa isang silid aralan:

GURO: gamitin ang salitang "ni" sa pangungusap.

JUAN: ang dali naman ma'am.

GURO: sige nga!

JUAN: nakapulot ako ng lapis.

GURO: asan yung "ni" ?

JUAN: daytoy "ni"


(intext man kaniak dayta ni LJ)
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Jojo Erfe Mendoza
1/9/2009 8:49:00 PM
Para sa nagbabalak mag resign.....
Think about it...

Sa hirap maghanap ng trabaho sa panahon ngayon,
pati pag se-salesman ng vacumm cleaner ay pinasok
ko na.
Minsan, pumunta ako sa isang bahay sa isang
barangay. Kumatok ako sa pinto... Isang malaking
misis ang nagbukas sa akin. Pero bago
nakapagsalita ang babae, inunahan ko sya. mabilis
akong pumasok papunta sa sala nila para di na
makatangi sa presentation ko.
Katulad ng utos ng boss ko, binuksan ko ang isang
plastic bag ng sm at ibinuhos lahat ng lamang tae
ng kalabaw sa carpet. this was a technique taught
to me In selling to get a massive and immediate
attention from the buyer.
Sabi ko sa kanya w/ confidence: "Misis, pag di
nalinis ng vacuum cleaner ko NGAYON ang mga tae sa
carpet niyo, kakainin ko isa-isa yan!", ang
mayabang na sinambit ko.
"Gusto mo ng ketsup para diyan?", tanong ng babae.
Sabi ko, "Bakit po?"
"Eh, kalilipat lang namin. wala pa kaming
kuryente."
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Baliwegweg
1/10/2009 4:11:00 AM
dayta a ti paborito ni Jojo nga kanen, takki ti nuang......... isu vitamin na gagay-yem........... hayyyyyyyyyy
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Isidro Racuya Lozano
1/11/2009 7:22:00 PM
ANAK: Tatang igatangannak man ti ay-ayam ko nga trak trak, daytay pangkarera.

TATANG: (Ne kunak la ket no bakla daytoy anak ko). Pamay-am kad daytoy nga abal-balay mo nakkong?

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Isidro Racuya Lozano
1/11/2009 7:24:00 PM
ANAK: Tatang igatangannak man ti ay-ayam ko nga trak trak, daytay pangkarera.

TATANG: (Ne kunak la ket no bakla daytoy anak ko). Pamay-am kad daytoy nga abal-balay mo nakkong?

ANAK: Ilugan ko man ni BARBIE, tay munmunyekak tatang!

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PITONG
1/16/2009 10:55:00 PM
Agyamanak man apo SIDER ken JOJO ti anus yo nga umay agpaspasyar ditoy abong tayo. Happy New Year kadakayo amin nga kadp-ayan.

Gayyem nga BALIWEGWEG, nabayag met bassit nga dika dimmaw-as ditoy abong tayo. Adu ciguro ti obraem...haaaaaay
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PITONG
1/16/2009 10:59:00 PM
Agyamanak man apo SIDER ken JOJO ti anus yo nga umay agpaspasyar ditoy abong tayo. Happy New Year kadakayo amin nga kadp-ayan.

Gayyem nga BALIWEGWEG, nabayag met bassit nga dika dimmaw-as ditoy abong tayo. Adu ciguro ti obraem...haaaaaay
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Dr. Kwak
1/18/2009 9:52:00 AM
PULIS: Boss, konting abuloy lang, may namatay na kasama naming pulis.

INTSIK: Ako malaki migay amuloy masta alaw-alaw melon pulis paktay "oke..."
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Leo Beligan
1/18/2009 11:30:00 AM
Pitong, ading, kabsat, dila la mabalin nga uliten to manen tay kilawen nga kalding?
the best, nangruna no kaduata da Danny ken JRIC ken dagitay gagayyem tayo dita.
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Bart Ikero
1/18/2009 7:31:00 PM
Makapa-ambing tay panang-describe ni Attorney dayta kilawen a kalding. Ania ket ngatan nga imas nana kabsat. Sayang ta saanak a nakaumay. Inton maminsan laengen barbareng no dakkel ton tay kalding ni Pitong.
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Isidro Racuya Lozano
1/19/2009 9:02:00 AM
AFTER 50 YEARS OF MARRIAGE

URBANA: Mare, how's your sexlife?

DOLORES: Well, sa age ni pare mo, mukha na lang ang nagagalit, balahibo na lang ang tumatayo at ubo na lang ang matigas.

URBANA: Buti sa yo meron, ako wala!
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jem
1/20/2009 10:35:00 PM
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank
because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always
right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied,
"$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."
"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very ! nervous about the bet
and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his
testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over
again and again until he was positive that no one could
consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman
arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and
acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the
president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one
made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to
drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and
asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the
president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against
the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that
and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !"
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PITONG
1/21/2009 3:14:00 AM
Atorni , pad-padaanak man dayta nga kanito nga agkikita tayto manen, ket sapay koma ta kaduatayonton da Tang Ernie, Sutil, kent, Ni Apo Isidro ken Las Eng Go. Kasta met da Jric ken Danny. Bagikto manen ti maysa a kalding.

HE HE HE# mayat man dagita impostem imposteyo APO SIDER KEN JEM. pADAANAN MI PAY DAGITA DADDUMA NMGA PAKPAKATAWA YO.

aPAY NGAT NGA NAGHA-HANG DAYTOY COMPUTER KO COMPUTER KO NO SUMREKAK ITI DAYTOY NGA ABONG?
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Marcial Mendoza Busilan
1/21/2009 4:30:00 PM
kumuzta kayon padak a nangisit ti siko na?... naimbag nga baro a tawen tayo amin nga awan labas na
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Leo Beligan
1/21/2009 7:00:00 PM
APAY NAPANNA na ni panyero Kirdat, diyo la nasalapun dita amangan no nakaturog ketdi iti bartek nan.
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Leo Beligan
1/21/2009 7:03:00 PM
Dementia Quiz

Below are four ( 4 ) questions and a Bonus question to test your perception, reasoning and the quickness of your logical processing.
They are stated simply so you should try to answer them instantly.
To assure the accuracy of the results, you should not take your time , but instead, answer each of them immediately .

OK?



Let's find out just how clever you really are....



Ready? GO!!! (scroll down slowly to uncover Q's and A's )








First Question :

Y ou are a participant in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






Answer : If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely WRONG! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, YOU are in second place!

Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?



Second Question :
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~











Answer : If you answered that you are second to last, then you are ; ; ; ;WRONG again. Tell me Sunshine, how can you overtake the LAST person??


You're not very good at this, are you?




Third Question :
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator .
Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 Now add30 . Add another1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000 . Now add 10 . What is the total?


Scroll down for the correct answer......

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~








Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100 ..



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it ?

Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe..



Fourth Question :

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono, and ??? What is the name of the fifth daughter?







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~







Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary you retard! Read the question again!





Okay, now the Bonus round,
i.e., a final chance to
redeem yourself:



A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






It's really very simple
He opens his mouth and ask for it...
Does your employer actually pay you to think??
If so Do NOT let them see your answers for this test!


PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!
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Isidro Racuya Lozano
1/21/2009 8:03:00 PM
MISTER:(nagbabasa ng diaryo) Ayon dito sa survey, ang lalaking may asawa ay mas mahaba ang buhay keysa lalaking walang asawa.

MISIS: Kay pasalamat ka at napangasawa mo ako.

MISTER: Kaya dapat humanap ako ng isa pang asawa para mas humaba ang buhay ko!
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abigail
1/22/2009 7:27:00 PM
IBANG POSISYON

Husband - Shall we try a different position tonight ?
Wife: that is a good idea dear ! ! ! doon ka sa may plantsahan at ako naman ang uopo sa sofa at manood ng tv.
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Monica Smith
1/23/2009 6:27:00 AM
Gayyem Pitong, mangaramidka ti number 2 ti balaymon ket narigat iti umuli, aglalo ket bumaket dataon.

Alaek man datoy a gundaway nga agyaman kenka, no awanka ngata ket kakaasi kami nga naglugan ti trisikel nga agsubli subli, bareng dumtengto ti aldaw ket agkikita tayo manen.

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Dr. Kwak
1/23/2009 9:24:00 PM
INTSIK: Bili kayo panty. Kapag sinuot ito, hindi kayo mabubuntis.

BABAE: Bigyan mo ako ng tatlo.

3 months later, galit ang babae at binalikan yung Intsik.
BABAE: Bakit ako nabustis, sabi mo noon hindi ako mabubuntis pag suot ko ang panty.

INTSIK: Eh, baka hinubad mo!
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jem
1/25/2009 10:38:00 PM
MADRE: Ano ang apelyido mo, iho?
SAKRISTAN: Alam nyo na ho yun sister, lagi nyo po yun hinahawakan.
MADRE: Susme! Bayag ang apelyido mo?!
SAKRISTAN: Sister naman, Rosario po.

Lumindol ng malakas noon...
Nagkagulo ang lahat at nag panic!
Sumigaw ang isang lalaki..."Katapusan na! Katapusan na!"
sumagot ang isa pang lalaki...
"Tanga! Akinse pa alang!"

PARI: Ang gustong magbigay ng donasyon sa simbahan, TUMAYO
pagtugtog ng organ. Sige iho, tugtog na.
ORGANISTA: Ano po ang tutugtugin?
PARI: Pambansang awit, iho.

After having sex, panay pa rin ang hawak ng girl sa ari ng boy...
BOY: Gusto mo pa uli?
GIRL: Hindi, namimiss ko lang... Meron kase ako nito dati eh.

PARROT: Psst! Baho! Baho! Baho!
IKAW: Pag sinabi mo pa uli sa kin yan, papatayin kita!
D next day...
PARROT: Psst! Psst!
IKAW: O, Bakit?!
PARROT: Lam mo na yun!


ATE: Musta date mo sis? Epektib ba payo ko, siling labuyo sa nipples mo
para di ka galawin ng bf mo?
SIS: Hay naku Ate, palpak! Ginanahan pa lalo, bicolano pala!
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jem
1/25/2009 10:45:00 PM
Huwag Po Itay....

Nais kong ibahagi sa inyo ang namagitan sa amin ng aking itay isang gabi. Hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan ang gabing iyon. Malakas ang ulan
noon nguni't maalinsangan ang simoy ng hangin.

Ako ay nagsusuklay sa aking silid, katatapos ko pa lamang maligo at nakatapis pa lamang noon . Narinig kong kumakatok si Itay sa aking pinto. Nang sagutin ko ang pagkatok niya ay sinabi niya na kailangan daw naming mag-usap at humiling na papasukin siya. Binuksan ko ang pinto at siya'y kagyat na pumasok sa aking silid.

Laking pagkagulat ko nang ipinid niya at susian ang pinto. Hinawakan ni Itay ang aking mga kamay, hinaplos-haplos niya ang aking buhok, ang aking mukha, pinaraan niya ang kanyang mga daliri sa aking kilay, sa aking mga pisngi,sa aking mga labi. Napasigaw ako.

"ITAY, huwag, huwag! Ako'y inyong anak! Utang na loob, Itay!" Nguni't parang walang narinig ang aking Itay. Ipinagpatuloy niya ang kanyang ginagawa. Ipinikit ko na lamang ang aking mga mata dahil ayaw kong makita ang mukha ng aking ama habang ipinagpapatuloy niya ang kanyang ginagawa sa akin.

Naririnig ko si Inay sumisigaw habang binabayo ang pinto at nagpipilit na ito'y buksan, "Hayop ka! hayop ka! Huwag mong gawin iyan sa anak mo! Huwag mong sirain ang kanyang kinabukasan".

Subalit wala ring nagawa si Inay, hindi rin siya pinakinggan ni Itay. Nanatili na lamang akong walang katinag-tinag at ipinaubaya ko na lamang ang aking sarili sa anumang gustong gawin ng aking Itay.

Pagkalipas ng ilang oras ay tumigil na rin ang aking Itay. Iniharap niya ako sa salamin ay ganoon na lamang ang aking pagkamangha at pagkagulat sa aking nakita. Magaling naman palang mag-make-up si Itay.

Nang gabing iyon ay nagtapat sa akin ang aking ama. Bakla pala siya. Labis akong nagalak sa galing at husay ng aking ama. Naisip ko na matutuwa ang aking boyfriend dahil lalo akong gumanda ngayon. Niyakap ko si Itay at pareho kaming napaluha sa labis na kagalakan. Masaya na kami ngayon at nabubuhay nang matiwasay.

Lovingly yours,

BADONG
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Patrick A. Gapusan
2/9/2010 1:21:00 PM
Naimbag nga aldaw yo amin, apo! umayak man met maki binnalbalatong ditoy tambayan yo.

Ni Marjory nga grade one ket nagawid nga agsangsangit ket kastoy ti impulong na kenni Monika nga ina na, "Mommy, waaah... nagpipinnakita kami ti mabagbagi kada Phitong ken Leon ket napan dak kinat-katawaan ta awan kano ti botok ta naputed idi mayanakak, hu hu hu!"
"Ay Marjory anak ko, di ammo da Phitong ken Leon ti isa sao da ta ubbing kayo pay laeng. Inton bigat kastoy ti ibagam kadakuada no katawaan da ka pay laeng gapu ti kina awan ti botom.........."
Kinabigatan na kastoy ti imbaga ni Marjory kenni Phitong ken Leon idi rugiyan da nga katawaan ta awan ti boto na. "Niyah, niyah, niyah, niyah, niyah!! Kuna ni nanang Monika saggaysa kayo laeng ti boto. No balasangak ton, uray kano kasano ti kaado nga boto ti kayat ko ket saan nga problema ta adun to ti lallaki nga agvoluntariyo nga mangited ti bot-boto da kaniak. Niyah, niyah, niyah, niyah, niyah!"
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Patrick A. Gapusan
2/9/2010 3:44:00 PM
Si Pitong na yata nag pinakamalas na nilalang sa buong mundo(at least that's what he thinks). Hindi na sana baleng pobre at pangit, kaso, napakaliit pa ang kaniyang ari.

Isang araw, sa derby ng karerang kabayo, habang nagkakalkal sa basurahan, nakapulot si Pitong ng lampara. Nililinis niya ito at nagulat na lang nung may biglag lumabas na genie na panay pasasalamat for his freedom from centuries of imprisonment inside the lamp. The genie showed his gratitude by granting Pitong three wishes.

Ang unang kahilingan ay kayamanang hindi na niya kayang ubusin kahit ten lifetimes of living luxuriously. No problem! Tinupad kaagad.

Pitong's second wish was to be as good looking as Brad Pitt and George Clooney put together. Again, walang problemo. Wish granted.

Maligayang maligaya pi Pitong at sa wakas ay wala nang problemang maghanap ng girlfriend....or two,....or however many he want.

"Para sa aking third wish" hiling ni Pitong sa genie, "ay gusto kong maging kasinlaki ang ari ko sa pag aari ng kabayong yun" habang itinuturo niya ang nangunguna sa karera. "Pero boss, Pitong, hindi yata bagay sa inyo ang ganung kalaking pag aari." hesitated the genie (Pilipino pa yata ang lintik na genie na ito, He he he). "Ah! Basta gusto kong tuparin mo your promise to grant every wish whether you like it or not!" The genie hesitantly granted Pitong's wish then left.

"OH SHHIIIIIIT!!! SHIT...SHIT...SHIT!!!" Screamed Pitong, este, Pitang while he, I mean, she was inspecting his, I mean her vagina.
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Patrick A. Gapusan
2/11/2010 8:39:00 AM
Naimbag nga lawas yo amin dita istambayan nga abong, apo!! I invited myself to join you para maki binnolastog ken makiriri kadagiti padak nga medyo adda bassit bagbagtit na a mammartek.
Malagip you ni Pitong who wished his genitals to be as large as the mare which he mistook for a stallion?? Well, he now have a vagina which he would'nt mind having except it was too large and ashame of it. His friends Leo, ERnie, Sider, Isidro and Mureng suggested na magpunta sa Aremica para magpa penis implant sa most prestigious and modern hospital specializing in transgender surgical procedures.
off Pitong went to Aremica straight to the hospital where he was shown lahat na klase ng titi. Sa dinamidami ng pag pipilian ay may nagustuhan siyang naiiba sa lahat. the doctors were kinda hesitant because it was a very difficult and complicated operation. Since "the customer is always right" is a policy of the hospital, the doctors went ahead and attached Pitong's penis of choice.
The operation was a success and the doctors, specially Pitong were satisfied with the outcome.
Pitong was very napakaligaya dahil lahat ng partner niya sa sex ay very satisfied and always coming back for more. There is, are, problems though that are nakakahiya. Everytime he passes by a fire hydrant he could'nt resist sniffing it ken maka isisbo. Ti pay maysa nga nakababain ket uray 'yan na nga suli no umisbo masapul nga nakangato ti maysa nga saka na.
For his surgical follow up, he ask the doctors why he has to sniff every fire hydrant ne pass by and have the urge to take a leak and that he have to raise a leg to do so.
the doctors, all at the same time, said "The penis that you insisted to be attached to you belonged to a German Police dog"
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MILIG
2/11/2010 1:08:00 PM
hi hI hi !!!!!!!
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PITONG
2/12/2010 12:49:00 AM
HU HU HU!!!!

Patrick, nagpanawan daytoy nga abongen, limmabasak ngamin isu nga nakitak nga nakalukat diay tawa ken ruangan na, adda kay gayam ken ni MILIG nga aggargarikgik. Umay kay diay baro nga abong ta painumen kayo ti basi....

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Patrick A. Gapusan
2/12/2010 9:40:00 AM
Sir Pitong, no nagpanawan daytoy nga abong, kasano ngarud nga maki-inom kami ti basi no di mi met ammo ti address ti baro nga abong?? Happy Valentines day kadakayo amin dita baro nga abong, apo, aglalo kadagiti padak nga mammartek ken uray dagiti sober!!!! Wala akong Valentine this time but I hope to have one next year. Pinag pili nak daydi valentine ko between her and a gallon of a five-year-old basi.......
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narvacaneo
2/17/2010 7:13:00 PM
naimbag nga oras tay amin apo umay nak man met makiinisturya dtoy kalapaw ni kabagis ko nga pitong. maysa nga aldaw nag surat ni maria ken lakay na nga adda iti abroad. maria: nakapagsurat nak kenka lakay tapno maamuam met ti nagbanagan ti kuwarta nga impawpaw it mo kanyak ti unos ti duwa nga tawen nga adda ka ti abroad. malagip mo kadi dyay bassit nga balay ta itatta mansionen, dyay sari sari store ta itatta grocerin, ni bunso nga pinanawam dakkelen adda pay ading nan.
agay ayat,
Maria.

maysa nga lalaki ti nangitable ti maysa nga waitress.
lalaki: miss ang ganda mo.
waitress: salamat po sir.
lalaki: napaka sexy mo.
waitress: salamat po sir:
lalaki: napalaki ng boobs mo.
waitress: salamas po sir.
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Leo Beligan
9/9/2016 8:15:00 PM
aprob
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lintik
9/9/2016 9:09:00 PM

I was checking out at the busy super market, and the cashier was having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner malfunctioned, and finally the cashier spilled a handful of coins. When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22.

Trying to soothe her nerves, I said, "That's a nice round figure."

Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, "You're no bean pole yourself."
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apdo
9/23/2016 5:55:00 AM
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get the email either.
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lintik
9/30/2016 7:51:00 PM
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.
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lintik
9/30/2016 7:52:00 PM
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, “Doctor,doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t – I’ve cut off your arms!”
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lintik
9/30/2016 7:53:00 PM
The way I see it, EVERY FRIDAY is Good Friday.
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lintik
9/30/2016 7:54:00 PM
Love
In one of his "best-seller" books, Dr. Wayne W. Dyer has written a chapter on what he calls "spiritual love." He says,
At the center of purposeful relationships is love. But is is more than simply being able to say the words "I love you," for these words are used by people who also berate and harm each other on a daily basis. Love is giving and it has nothing to do with what you receive. Love is an inner process that you bring to a relationship -- a relationship that has love in the giving sense as its cornerstone.
To love is the most important thing in life. But what do we mean by love?
When you love someone because that person loves you in return, surely that is not love. To love is to have that extraordinary feeling of affection without asking anything in return. You may be very clever, you may pass all your examinations, you may get a doctorate and achieve a high position, but if you have not this sensitivity, this feeling of simple love, your heart will be empty and you will be miserable for the rest of your life.
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lintik
9/30/2016 7:55:00 PM
Too many people complain about their looks, but not nearly enough complain about their brains
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abigail
10/20/2016 8:11:00 PM
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.??"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."??"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."??A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"???Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.??Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.??The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:??1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;??????2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;??????3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; ????????and?? 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it. ????????(THIS GETS BETTER!)??The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:??1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on????2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;????3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;????and??4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.?????????????????????????????????? ?The women won????Send this to all the smart women you know...and all the men that have a good sense of humour!
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abigail
11/6/2016 7:14:00 AM
Wedding Rehearsal
At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, “As you give your daughter’s hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him.”
The father, a grocery-store manager, took the advice. During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride’s hand on his son-in-law’s arm and said. “No deposit, no return.”
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apdo
11/14/2016 7:56:00 PM
The Email
The mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
“What happened ?” she asks anxiously.
“What happened!! I’ll tell you what happened.
I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip.
I get home… and guess what I found ?
Yes, your daughter, my wife , with a naked guy in our marital bed!
This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”
“Calm down, calm down!” says his mother-in-law. ”
There is something very odd going on here.
My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation.
I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
” I told you there must be a simple explanation ….. she didn’t receive your E-mail!
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apdo
11/14/2016 7:57:00 PM
Trip to the Dentist
A man goes to the dentist with some broken front teeth.
The dentist asks the man what happened, to which the man responds, saying: “My wife cooked some chicken and flatbread but the bread was very hard and stiff.”
The dentist replied: “You should have told her the bread was too hard and refused to eat it.”
To which the man responds: “Man, that’s exactly what I did!”
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abigail
11/15/2016 6:48:00 PM
A seventy-five-year old man went to the doctor's office for his annual physical checkup. The doctor was greatly impressed with the man's superb condition. He said, "You have the body of a man twenty-five years younger. What is the secret of your extraordinarily good health?"
The man replied, "When I was married 50 years ago, my wife and I agreed never to fight. We both hate to quarrel. So whenever things began heating up and it looked as though we were going to have a fight, she would stay in the house and I would go out for a long walk.
Consequently, I attribute my good health to the fact that for fifty years I've lived pretty much of an outdoor life."
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cirenia
12/1/2016 9:01:00 PM
Believe in WORK Not in LUCK.
Trust in God but don’t be depended on him …
The Best “om” is home !!
The Best “age” is courage !!
The Best “mile” is smile !!
The Best “stand” is understand !!
The Best “end” is friend !!
The Best “day” is today !!….
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lintik
12/10/2016 8:15:00 AM
Funeral Procession
A funeral procession made its way down the road. Six close members of the family were carrying the coffin between them. On top of the coffin was a fishing line, a net, and some bait.
A passer-by remarked: "He must've been a very avid fisherman."
"Oh, he still is," remarked another, "He's off to the river as soon as they've buried his wife."
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lintik
12/10/2016 8:16:00 AM
Beer
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
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lintik
12/10/2016 8:17:00 AM
A Doctor of Psychology
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient #1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh , he's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down before he hurts himself."
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
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apdo
12/12/2016 6:53:00 PM
A man was walking down the street when he came upon a brothel. He noticed a couple having sex on the lawn. He saw another couple behind a tree and two more behind some bushes.

He walked up to the brothel, knocked on the door and asked what in the world was going on with all the sex on the lawn.

"Oh, that," said the madam. "We're having a yard sale."
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lintik
1/6/2017 6:14:00 PM
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."

"I know " grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."
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Leo Beligan
1/18/2017 7:39:00 PM
Three Englishman go into a pub. They sit down at a small round table and order three warm beers. They're sitting there drinking them when one of them notices an Irishman at the bar.
"See that Mick over there? I'm gonna go rile him up." So he goes over to him and says "Hey mate I hear your Saint Patrick was a pussy!"
The Irishman looks up from his beer and says "Ye don't say? Thanks for tellin me."
The Englishman goes back to his pals.
"Let me give it a try," says the next guy. He goes over to the Irishman and says "Hey mate, I heard your Saint Patrick was a transvestite!"
The Irishman looks up from his beer. "Well fancy that! Thanks for the information my boy!"
The Englishman slinks back to his seat.
"You guys don't know how to tick off an Irishman!" The third guy says. "Watch this." He goes over to him and says "Hey pal I heard Saint Patrick was English!"
The Irishman turns to him and says "Yeah that's what yer buddies were tellin me!"



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cirenia
1/22/2017 10:07:00 AM
SEX AT KULANGOT"
Anak: Ma, bakit po maraming nasasarapan sa sex?
Mama: Dahil sa kiliti o sensation, katulad ng nararamdaman mo kapag nangungulangot ka.
Anak: Bakit naman po mas nasasarapan ang babae kesa sa lalaki sa sex?
Mama: Tulad ng pangungulangot mo, mas nasasarapan ang ilong kesa sa daliri mo.
Anak: -.- Eh bakit naman ayaw ng mga babae ang nirarape?
Mama: Halimbawa naglalakad ka tapos may lumapit sayo at biglang kinalikot ang ilong mo magugustuhan mo ba?
Anak: Whahahah! Eh bakit naman ayaw makipagsex ng babae kapag may regla?
Mama: Andami mo namang tanong bata ka! Kapag dumudugo ba ilong mo mangungulangot kapa ba?
Anak: Bakit ayaw po ng mga lalaki ang condom?
Mama: Ikaw Nak, gusto mo bang mangulangot na may guwantes sa daliri?
Anak: (wtf) hahaha. Ano ba yang mga sagot mo Ma, jusko! Eto na last na 'to Ma. hehehe.
Mama: Sige,ano yun?
Anak: Bakit sa pribadong lugar ginagawa ang sex?
Mama: Kaya mo bang mangulangot sa harap ng maraming tao?
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cirenia
1/22/2017 10:10:00 AM
A man goes to the bar and asks for three bottles of beer. He starts taking one by one.* the waiter asks him why he ordered for three bottles. The man said; we are three friends but everyone stays in a different city but we decided that whenever anyone drinks beer, he drinks for others too. This went on for many years. One day the man came and ordered for two bottles. The waiter was sad that he asked him whether one of the friends had passed away. The Man replied: no, it’s just that for me I quit drinking.
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abigail
2/7/2017 4:18:00 PM
What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
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BORIS
3/13/2017 7:48:00 PM
The Gift
A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note....Romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:
Darling,
I choose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All My Love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
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Leo Beligan
3/13/2017 7:49:00 PM
PIT BULL
A woman was leaving with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching a nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a Pit Bull dog on a leash.
Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"Well, that first hearse is for my husband," the woman replied.
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well who is in the second hearse?"
"His mistress. She tried to help my husband, then the dog turned on her."
A poignant ang thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women..."Can I borrow the dog?"
She replied, "GET IN LINE."

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innok
3/14/2017 7:56:00 PM
Three guys travel in the same room in a long distance sleeper train. One guy is reading a newspaper, while the other two tell political anecdotes. The first guy decides to prank them. He steps out, and orders three cups of tea to be brought in their room in exactly 10 minutes. Then he comes back into the room, sits down and says after 9 minutes:
You know, you should not really be telling political anecdotes just like that. KGB has every room wiretapped here.
Come on, it's bullshit. Nothing to worry about - answer the guys.
No no, KGB really hears everything you are saying. Here, let me show you.
The guys snaps his fingers and says: Comrade Major, three cups of tea, please!
In a few seconds, train staff bring the tea in.
The two guys are totally shocked. They shut up quickly. Soon, all three go to bed.
Next morning the pranker guy wakes up alone in the room. He goes out and asks the train staff, where those two guys went.
Oh, KGB took them last night.
The guy asks, totally terrified: How come, they let me off?!
The train staff answer: Well, Comrade Major really like your tea prank!
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lintik
3/27/2017 5:59:00 PM
This old man in his eighties
This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, “Where are you going?” He said, “I’m going to the doctor.”
And she said, “Why? Are you sick?”
“No,” he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, “Where are you going?”
She said, “I’m going to the doctor too.”
He said, “Why?”
She said, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot.”
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lintik
3/27/2017 6:01:00 PM
Wavy hair?
For those not familiar with Ann Landers and Abigail Van Buren, for more than four decades, those names were big, really big. I'm talking Oprah and Ellen and David Letterman big. Long before Facebook and Twitter and Google, they provided a forum for millions of people to ask questions and share their life experiences in their syndicated newspaper columns know as "Ask Anne Landers," and "Dear Abbey."
In one of the columns, a young woman was seeking matrimonial advice.
"Dear Abbey," she began, "I'm twenty-two and head-over-heels in love. The man is thirty, has beautiful wavy hair and a perfect build. I want to marry him and he is begging me to say yes, but I am a bit hesitant for the following three reasons:
"First, he drinks a little too much and sometimes forgets things like where I live, where he parked his car, and where he put his wallet.
"Second, he likes to job-hop. He has no trouble getting a job, but after a few months he becomes bored and quits.
"And third, he teases me a lot which is very cute. He says things that aren't true just to get a reaction. Later, he tells me he was only kidding.
"I am willing to overlook his faults because nobody I know is perfect, and besides, he is the most exciting man I've ever met. He says marriage will change him. Will it? Signed, Katie."
The columnist replied:
"Dear Katie, Wow! Congratulations on an offer of marriage from a job-hopping lush with a faulty memory. No. Marriage won't change him but it will change you. You won't find him so thrilling when he forgets to bring home the paycheck. And the teasing and spells of unemployment won't be so cute when you have children to feed and doctor bills to pay. So, if you want a thoroughly messy life, go ahead and marry a guy because his hair is wavy.
Signed, Abbey."
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abigail
4/9/2017 9:40:00 AM
Awesome
A man in his middle years was traveling alone on a Caribbean cruise. On the first day out a woman about his age, sitting in a deck chair, gave him a friendly smile as he passed by.
On the second day out, as he circled the deck, the woman again gave him a friendly smile.
On the third day out, the same thing happened.
That night at dinner, the man managed to get seated next to the woman with the friendly smile. As the conversation developed, he told her how pleased he was that each time he passed by her on deck she offered him such a gracious, friendly smile.
The woman replied, "Well, the reason I smiled was that when I saw you, I immediately said to myself, 'That man looks like my third husband.'"
Hearing this, the man asked, "And how many times have you been married?"
The woman looked down at her plate, smiled demurely and said, "Twice."
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abigail
4/9/2017 9:45:00 AM
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
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abigail
4/9/2017 9:46:00 AM
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
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abigail
4/9/2017 9:48:00 AM
One day, a guy was walking down Session Road and decided to take a taxi to La Trinidad. He was lucky to get a taxi right away but he wanted to make sure that he knew what he was going to pay for so he asked the driver,
"Mano ti bayad no i-drive nak idiay Trinidad?"(how much would I pay if you had to drive me to Trinidad?).
The taxi driver asked him back "maymaysam?" (Are you alone?)
The man answered back, "apay haan ka nga umay?"(why, are you not going with me?)
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apdo
4/21/2017 9:39:00 PM
I have good taste, but I don’t have the money to prove it.
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apdo
4/21/2017 9:39:00 PM
Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now and then.
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apdo
4/21/2017 9:40:00 PM
Love doesn’t need to be perfect, it just needs to be true.
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Leo Beligan
4/29/2017 11:49:00 AM
The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.

When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.

"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said.

"It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain."
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lintik
6/1/2017 7:22:00 PM
Three doctors are talking about death.

The first, a dentist, says, “When I die, I think I’d like my tombstone to be shaped like a tooth made of white marble.”

“Hey,” adds the cardiologist, “that’s not a bad idea, I’d love my tombstone to be shaped as a heart…”

The gynecologist is silent for a bit, then says, “I think scattering of the ashes is my option.”
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lintik
6/1/2017 7:25:00 PM
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, officer?”
The cop says: “What are you doing?”
The young man says: “Well Officer, I’m reading a magazine.”
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”
The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”
Now, the cop is totally confused.. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane… and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: “What’s your age, young man?”
The young man says “I’m 22, sir.”
The cop asks: “And her…what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
“She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”
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apdo
6/15/2017 7:49:00 AM
A guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a pistol in his hand and yelling, “I have a 45 caliber pistol here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife.”

A voice from the other end of the bar called out, “You’ll need more ammo”
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innok
8/3/2017 11:01:00 PM
Tuleng
After 50 years of marriage the couple was sitting at the dinner table and the wife said to her husband: "After all these years of marriage I know that you are Tried and True."
He replied, "What did you say?"
She said in a louder voice: "After all these years of marriage I have learned that you are Tried and True."
He said: "Speak louder!"
She said in a louder voice: "After all these years of marriage I have learned that you are Tried and True."
He replied loudly: "Well, I'm tired of you too!!"
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innok
8/3/2017 11:02:00 PM
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman.
Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly.
When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself.
"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if he could make love to another woman, he could fly!"
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Leo Beligan
8/20/2017 12:55:00 PM
Doctor Simon
Doctor Simon is known throughout town as one of the best consultants on arthritis. He always has a waiting room full of people who need his advice and specialist treatment.
One day, Betty, an elderly lady, slowly struggles into his waiting room.
She is completely bent over and leans heavily on her walking stick. A chair is found for her. Eventually, her turn comes to go into Doctor Simon’s office.
15 minutes later, to everyone’s surprise, she comes briskly out of his room walking almost upright. She is holding her head high and has a smile on her face.
A woman in the waiting room says to Betty, “It’s unbelievable, a miracle even. You walk in bent in half and now you walk out erect. What a fantastic doctor he is. Tell me, what did Doctor Simon do to you?”
“Miracle, miracle,” says Betty, “he just gave me a longer walking stick
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Leo Beligan
8/20/2017 12:59:00 PM
A Matter of Experience
A man was crossing the street when a car slammed into him. The pedestrian sued the motorist, whose lawyer made the following statement at the end of the trial: …

“Your Honor, my client was not at fault. He has been driving a car for thirty years, and has never had an accident, nor gotten so much as a speeding ticket. I do not think I need to say any more.”
Unimpressed, the lawyer for the plaintiff rose. “Your Honor, since counsel insists on bringing up the matter of experience, may I remind the court that my client has been walking for over seventy years…”
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Leo Beligan
8/20/2017 1:01:00 PM
Joshua
So, the courtroom bailiff makes the morning announcement:
“All rise! Hear ye, Hear ye, The Court of the Second Judicial Circuit, Criminal Division, is now in session, the honorable Judge Calhoun Brown presiding. All who have business before this Court approach the bench and be heard.”
The lawyer and his client stand before the imposing judge in his black robe.
Judge Calhoun: What’s yo’ name, boy?
Defendant: Joshua, yo’ Honor.
Judge Calhoun: Joshua? Is you de Joshua in de Bible dat made de sun stand still?
Defendant: No suh. Ah’s de Joshua who made de moonshine still.
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Leo Beligan
8/20/2017 1:04:00 PM
Joshua
So, the courtroom bailiff makes the morning announcement:
“All rise! Hear ye, Hear ye, The Court of the Second Judicial Circuit, Criminal Division, is now in session, the honorable Judge Calhoun Brown presiding. All who have business before this Court approach the bench and be heard.”
The lawyer and his client stand before the imposing judge in his black robe.
Judge Calhoun: What’s yo’ name, boy?
Defendant: Joshua, yo’ Honor.
Judge Calhoun: Joshua? Is you de Joshua in de Bible dat made de sun stand still?
Defendant: No suh. Ah’s de Joshua who made de moonshine still.
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Leo Beligan
8/20/2017 1:04:00 PM
Research found that 75% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house. 90% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.
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apdo
9/21/2017 8:30:00 AM
My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.
As I walked out the front door, she screamed,
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
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cirenia
10/7/2017 7:17:00 PM
A paramedic was asked on a local TV talk-show program: "What was your most unusual and challenging 911 call?"

"Recently we got a call from that big white church at 11th and Walnut," the paramedic said. "A frantic usher was very concerned that during the sermon an elderly man passed out in a pew and appeared to be dead. The usher could find no pulse and there was no noticeable breathing."

"What was so unusual and demanding about this particular call?" the interviewer asked.

"Well," the paramedic said, "we carried out four guys before we found the one who was dead."
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abigail
10/19/2017 6:22:00 PM
Someone has compiled a telling list of "famous fibs." Here are a few:
The check is in the mail.
We service what we sell.
Money is cheerfully refunded.
This offer is limited to the first one hundred people.
You've already won a valuable prize.
One size fits all.
Your table will be ready in a minute.
This won't hurt a bit.
This hurts me more than it hurts you.
I'll start my diet tomorrow.
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abigail
10/19/2017 6:24:00 PM
The Judge Said It’s OK
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, “This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?”
The judge said that was true. “Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?” the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, “Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson.”
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Leo Beligan
11/14/2017 6:11:00 AM
The door bell, rings, and a man answers it.

Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying "Trick or Treat!"

The man asks the kids what he's dressed up like for Halloween.

The kid says, "I'm from the government." Then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say, "Thank you."
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lintik
12/30/2017 6:02:00 AM
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to swerve onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman a derogatory gesture.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I always smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work; that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way are bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4,000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that every single day, I drive past at least one female who has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her a derogatory gesture? .... I don't think so!
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lintik
12/30/2017 6:03:00 AM
A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.

"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."


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lintik
1/14/2018 6:21:00 AM
I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother.

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.
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Leo Beligan
1/27/2018 6:49:00 AM
I believe my daughter wants a pair of glasses. I don't know why she does. Perhaps glasses are now "cool" to have in school? But though she sees just fine, she still says she needs glasses.

I took her to the eye doctor just to check it out, though. She was asked to read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart.

She said, "All right, I can see the 'O' and the 'P' and the 'T,' but not the 'N' and the 'Z.'"
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abigail
2/5/2018 6:19:00 AM
Little Susie, a six-year-old, came home from school whining, "Mommy, I've got a stomachache."

"That's because your stomach is empty," her mother replied. "You'd feel better if you had something in it." She gave Susie a snack and sure enough, Susie felt better right away.

That afternoon the family's minister dropped by. While he was chatting with Susie's mom, he mentioned he'd had a bad headache all day long.

Susie perked up. "That's because it's empty," she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."
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nenita bautista torqueza
2/14/2018 4:59:00 PM
Angelic Assistance?

An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground.

Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, “All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!”

With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse’s back—and fell off the other side.

From the ground again, he called out, “All right, just half of you angels this time!”

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abigail
3/10/2018 7:32:00 AM
Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
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cirenia
3/28/2018 7:21:00 PM
Minding his own business, Wen a gorgeous
woman, sitting next to him started to breast feed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said,
"Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it 2 this nice man here"

5 mins later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said,
"Cum on, honey. Take it or I'll give it 2 this nice man here"

A few min later the anxious man blurted out,
"Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!
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cirenia
3/28/2018 7:23:00 PM
"The trouble with the world," said the Master with a sigh, "is that human beings refuse to grow up."

"When can a person be said to have grown up?" asked a disciple.

"On the day he does not need to be lied to about anything."
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cirenia
3/28/2018 7:27:00 PM
A little boy once found a jar of nuts on the table.

"I would like some of these nuts," he thought. "I'm sure Mother will give them to me if she were here. I'll take a big handful." So he reached into the jar and grabbed as many as he could hold.

But when he tried to pull his hand out, he found the neck of the jar was too small. His hand was held fast, but he did not want to drop any of the nuts.

He tried again and again, but he couldn't get the whole handful out. At last he began to cry.

Just then his mother came into the room. "What's the matter?" she asked.

"I can't take this handful of nuts out of the jar," sobbed the boy.

"Well, don't be so greedy," his mother replied. "Just take two or three, and you'll have no trouble getting your hand out."

"How easy that was," said the boy as he left the table. "I might have thought of that myself."

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otiang
4/22/2018 3:07:00 PM
An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines.

The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding an empty seat.

The only empty seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English lady and was being used by her little dog.

The weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the solider and sniffed then said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see that my little pooch is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, looking if there were any other unoccupied seats to use, but after another trip down to the end of the train, he found himself facing the woman with the dog again.

Again, the soldier asked, "Please lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted out loud, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also extremely arrogant!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The Woman, at a loss for words; shrieked, railed and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentlemen sitting across the aisle spoke up and said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!."
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cirenia
5/26/2018 10:41:00 AM
"Proving Sufficiency"?(Excerpts from Miguel de Cervantes, Napoleon Hill and Jerry Gilles)??“Many say that money cannot buy happiness, but most of us still want to prove it to ourselves!??May we realize that contentment and wealth does not run against each other; Contentment has to do with our attitude, and wealth is not really having many possessions, but in having wise applications. ??In our spiritual journey, may we discover that prosperity comes from the understanding of our sufficiency, and lasting peace comes from humbly accepting our roles as God’s good stewards and not as owners, of His entrusted riches.??We are not really wealthy, until we have something money cannot buy, for wealth is essentially not a measure of material gain, but a state of mind.”??Good morning.
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Leo Beligan
7/11/2018 8:42:00 AM
A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there were very good looking.

Ten years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good, the wine selection was good also, and the waiters were cute.

Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet, the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean, and the waiters were sweet boys.

Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible, they even had an elevator, and the waiters were kindly.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
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cirenia
7/28/2018 12:05:00 PM
A man, in a hurry taking his eight-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.

"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.

"Aw, Dad, it's okay," the son said. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
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cirenia
8/5/2018 10:04:00 AM
A married couple had lived together for twenty-five years in what outwardly seemed like a reasonably good union. The husband was a good provider. The wife was a good housekeeper. They went to Church together every Sunday and prayed together every night before they retired. But they did have one problem that seemed insurmountable. They could not have a conversation that didn't end up in an argument.

Finally, the wife decided she'd had enough, but because of her religious scruples, divorce was out of the question. She had a better idea, however.

One night as the couple settled down for their nightly prayers, she said to her husband, "We must put an end to this terrible situation we're in. We can't go on like this anymore. Since today is the first day of Lent, why don't we pray that things will change. Let's pray that the Lord will call one of us home to Him. Then I can go live with my sister."
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lintik
8/22/2018 5:57:00 PM
A man goes to a Unitarian Universalist service for the first time, and later is asked what he thought of it.

"Darndest church I ever went to," he replies. "The only time I heard the name of Jesus Christ was when the janitor fell down the stairs!"
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lintik
8/22/2018 5:57:00 PM
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge."

"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients."
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lintik
8/22/2018 5:58:00 PM
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.

As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife," said the man
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cirenia
9/11/2018 7:51:00 AM
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...
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cirenia
9/24/2018 6:42:00 AM
Three psychiatrists who are attending a convention decide to take a walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our problems. Since we're all professionals, why don't we hear each other out right now?"

They agree that this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I over-bill patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
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