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PAGLING-LINGAYAN DITOY SIROK TI KAIMITO

Leo Beligan
7/25/2007 2:16:00 PM

NAGANGON TAY KAMATIS ISUT GAPUNA NGA DITOYEN SIROK TI KAIMITO TI PANGITURONGAN TAYO KADAGITI ANIA MAN NGA KAPANUNUTAN, OPINION, DAM-DAMAG, BASTA MAKALING-LINGAY. MABALIN PAY TI MANGITUGOT ITI BASI WENNO KUATRO KANTOS.



Sungsungbat/Komentario

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Leo Beligan
4/24/2016 6:10:00 PM
Go See If Am I There:

The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.

"Please," protested the college president, "you already make more than the entire History Department."

"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look."

He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported.

"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the president, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."
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Leo Beligan
4/24/2016 6:11:00 PM
"The car in front hit the pedestrian, but he got up so I hit him again."

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
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Leo Beligan
4/24/2016 6:14:00 PM
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag." - Jay Leno

"The taxpayer - that's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination." - Ronald Reagan
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cirenia
5/1/2016 6:49:00 PM
An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.
The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard.
The attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.
When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."
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cirenia
5/1/2016 6:51:00 PM
Lawyer and Engineer
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean when they got to talking. The lawyer mentioned, "I'm here because my house burned down and everything got destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," remarked the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood. My insurance company, too, paid for everything."
There was a brief pause, and hen the puzzled lawyer asked, "How do you start a flood?"
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apdo
5/8/2016 8:03:00 AM
A gift of HOPE amidst Poverty
In retrospect, I can thank my early poverty in the Philippines for giving me the opportunity to mold my character and steel my nerves for the daily battle for survival affecting mankind. For it is a truism that, as gold is minted in the crucible of fire, so is a person's character better developed amidst hardships early in life. The instinct for self-preservation is better honed in the maelstrom of daily struggles than in the sybaritic splendor vouchsafed to a select breed of humans to the manor born.
Along with six siblings, I was born rich only in love and care afforded by my parents who were both public elementary school teachers. My parents also provided us with examples of hard work, honesty and faith in God amidst poverty in material things. We ate a lot of fish and vegetables which were cheap and plenty in our town, and our early treats in life would come on Sundays when Mama would buy meat with lots of bones from the public market as a weekly feast. She would plant vegetables like alogbate, camote and fechay in our backyard. While my mother would constantly pray her rosary and novenas daily before sleep, my father would constantly remind us never to be interested in getting things that don't belong to us and to work hard if we wanted anything for ourselves in life. Thus, early in life, while we did not have good clothes to wear and tasty food to eat, we saw parental love and sacrifice everywhere coupled with a quest for the higher things in life.
In the ordinary course of things, a family of nine relying on the combined, but measly salaries of two school teachers would meet periodic crises in life, especially when the children started their high school and college education at the same time. My mother was a petite woman full of faith. She was very slow to anger and always believed that God would provide no matter what happened. Her indomitable spirit and strong faith seeped into my being early on as if by osmosis. My parents' capacity to take pains amidst daily struggles in life, in retrospect, struck me as deserving of the Nobel Prize in perseverance. I remember my mother making the rounds of moneyed people every time school started and tuition fees had to be paid. She borrowed money like nobody's business, so that someday, her children would not have to borrow money to survive. She stooped so low, so that someday, her children could hold their heads high. She absorbed the constant humiliation of knocking on people's doors frantically begging for loans come opening of the school year, so that someday, her children could live a comfortable life by way of education.
One time, when I was on vacation from college, I saw my Mama looking lachrymose and worried while holding a letter in her hand. I cautiously approached her and asked if she was ok. Then I gently asked to see the letter she was holding. The contents shocked me like a bolt of lightning. It was a letter from a loan shark threatening to sue her if she didn't pay her debt within 15 days. I felt a lump in my throat and a cosmic compassion for my parents. It was just typical of them, never telling us what horrible humiliations they were subjected to and what painful privations they tackled just to give their children a chance to achieve better lives by way of education. From them I learned that education was my only hope to escape the poverty we were experiencing together. I vowed early in life to repay the sacrifices of my parents by becoming a lawyer. Yes, a lawyer. People can dream amidst poverty, right? And so it was that I learned to focus early in life on achieving goals one at a time, working hard with grim determination and never giving up in spite of horrible obstacles. At the back of my mind was the sacrifice, heroic by any standard that my parents were undergoing just to lift their children above their own level. What silent heroes in real life my parents were. I could only vow to recompense them by being worthy of their sacrifices by way of doing well in school. I studied well although I only had two pairs of pants and two polos. My shoes were the same for years, only the soles were changed at the shoe repair shop along Rizal Avenue in Sta. Cruz, Manila, where I rented a bed space in a dilapidated Spanish-built house. There was only one comfort room and bathroom for 25 people and hygiene was deplorable. I ate only once a day, sometimes surviving on banana cue for a week, downed with free water from the university's free drinking fountains. I spent most of my time in the library reading assigned books, since I could not afford to but textbooks. I also read self-help books at the community library and never missed praying my Wednesday novenas and Sunday masses in church.
After graduating from A.B., I told my parents I would proceed to law. Some of my own siblings, a few acquaintances and others laughed me to scorn. Here was a starving tatterdemalion, a little bit mousy, skeletonic in physique, with two cents in his pocket, unable to buy a new pair of slippers, wanting to be a lawyer? For them, it was a capital joke deserving of guffaws. But my parents took it seriously, vowing to support me all the way. They believed and trusted and that's all that mattered, not the cruel taunts of doubting Thomases. And so it was that I took the entrance exams at the University of the Philippines College of Law, and passed them easily. There were about three thousand wannabes who took the exams, but only 120 passed the written and oral exams. In law school, I was again in starvation mode due to lack of money and couldn't buy my textbooks. Fortunately, I qualified for grants-in-aid with free tuition and books. Then I joined the Sigma Rho Fraternity. My wonderful and solicitous brods, noticing my threadbare look, inability to eat lunch after morning classes and inability to buy the bare necessities of life, gave me a day job working for a big-time brod near the UP campus. I shifted to evening classes at UP law and finished my law course, passed the bar exams, became manager of the legal department of a public corporation, migrated to California where I also passed the California bar exams and have been practicing law here ever since, dispensing monetary favors to kith and kin in the Philippines in the hope that, like me, young people steeped in poverty can achieve their dreams by dint of hard work, education, honesty, focus, persistence and faith in God.
Dan I. Amosin is a graduate of St. Pius X Seminary in Roxas City, University of the East Manila and the UP college of Law, Diliman, Quezon City. He has been successfully practicing law as a licensed California lawyer since 1995. Also a member of the Integrated Bar of the Philippines, he eschews dishonesty, ostentation and lack of altruism in his professional and personal life.
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apdo
5/13/2016 6:01:00 AM
A zebra gets to heaven and finally meets God.

Zebra: God, am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?

God: You are what you are.

Zebra: That doesn't answer my question. Ive pondered my color for my entire life.

God: If you were black with white stripes, I would have said 'You is what you is'.


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abigail
5/19/2016 5:23:00 AM
A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small, out of the way, town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.

He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.

The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Sure, Mister. You want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"
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Leo Beligan
5/25/2016 6:39:00 AM
Intelligent and educated people are tolerant of, and don't get easily offended by contrary views, unless couched in derisive, hurtful and disrespectful language. They take it as an opportunity to learn, instruct , do mental exercises or to unravel the truth or find the correct solution to a boiling issue by exploring all possible angles. The advancement of knowledge requires a constant exploration of what can be. Intolerance of others' views spells the hibernation of intellectual progress. And bigotry is the worst form of self-enslavement. (quote from Dan Amosin
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innok
6/4/2016 10:32:00 AM
One day at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son is choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!" A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boys balls and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man, "I work for the IRS."
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innok
6/4/2016 10:33:00 AM
A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was approached by a friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"

"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the widow replied.

"What stopped him?"

"I started talking about my next husband."
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abigail
6/21/2016 7:06:00 AM
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man, "that's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
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abigail
6/21/2016 7:09:00 AM
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas. "You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor".
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apdo
6/27/2016 7:15:00 AM
Patient- Dr. How much it will cost me to extract my two teeth?

Dentist- $300 US dollars.

Patient- How much time it will take?

Dentist- Five minutes.

Patient- Five minutes only and it's $300 US dollars! Don't you think that is too expensive?

Dentist- I can do it in 30 minutes if you want?
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apdo
7/4/2016 7:52:00 AM
A woman with a minor injury was at the hospital because her doctor said she wanted to take a closer look at it to make sure everything was all right. The woman's husband sits patiently in the waiting room.
After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.

Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room, this time asking for a screwdriver. The husband grows worried and begins to pace in circles. Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer and at that, the husband, in a state of frenzied fear, runs up and asks, "Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?"

"I don't know," replies the flustered doctor, "I can't get my damn bag open."
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apdo
7/4/2016 8:04:00 AM
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he went inside and told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside, and in a few minutes, she returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
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lintik
7/27/2016 8:41:00 PM
Husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I cant remember.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.

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cirenia
8/3/2016 8:13:00 AM
At the supermarket, a woman shopped with her four boys and a baby. Her patience was wearing thin as the boys called out, "Mommy! Mommy!" while she tried to shop.

Finally, she blurted out, "I don’t want to hear the word mommy for at least ten minutes!"

The boys fell silent for a few seconds. Then one tugged on his mother’s dress and said softly, "Excuse me, miss."
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cirenia
8/3/2016 8:15:00 AM
As the boss was leaving the office to play golf, he instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was away from his desk.

Shortly after he left, a member of his foursome called to find out which course they were playing that day. The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.

"Just tell me," the golfer persisted, "is he five miles away from his desk, twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles away from his desk?"


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Leo Beligan
8/12/2016 5:08:00 PM
Marriage
There is the story of the “changed man” who was asked, ”You stopped smoking because she asked you?” ”Yes,” he answered.
”And you stopped drinking because she asked you?” ”Yes.”
”And you stopped swearing because she asked you?” ”Yes.”
”And you stopped gambling because she asked you?” ”Yes.”
”And yet you never married her?” ”Well, you see, after I reformed, I found I could do better.”
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Leo Beligan
8/12/2016 5:11:00 PM
The richest and meanest old man in town was dying. Although he had never contributed to the Church from his considerable wealth, nevertheless he called for the local parish priest.
When the priest arrived, the dying man said that he would give one hundred thousand dollars to the Church if the priest would guarantee his entrance into the Heavenly Kingdom.
"No, I cannot do that," said the priest. "Neither I nor any other human being can guarantee you heaven in return for a one hundred thousand dollar gift to the Church." Then, with a slight twinkle in his eye, the priest added, "But it's worth a try!"
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abigail
8/22/2016 8:11:00 PM
About aging . . .
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. But it’s worse when you forget to pull it down.
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abigail
8/22/2016 8:14:00 PM
My boss asked me today which one of us was the stupid one. I told him everyone knows that you don't hire stupid people.
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abigail
8/22/2016 8:16:00 PM
Helen and Arnold were given a thirty-fifth wedding anniversary party by family and friends. During the celebration, Arnold was asked to share some of his thoughts on the long-lasting marriage.
He began by going back thirty years to the night when, during a severe thunderstorm, Helen was tucking their little boy into bed. As Helen was about to turn the bedroom light off, the little boy asked tearfully, "Mommy, will you please stay with me all night?" Smiling, Helen gave her son a big, reassuring hug. Then she said, "I can't stay. I have to stay in Daddy's room."
There was a pause, broken finally by a shaky little voice, saying, "The big sissy!"
Arnold went on to say:
I remember a time when I was sitting on the antique window-seat that Helen has treasured through the years. Because the original fabric had worn through, Helen had recently recovered it in a handsome corduroy. I sat staring at the rain pelting down on dead autumn leaves. The gloomy look of the garden seemed to match the mood of hopelessness that had come over me. Problems at work had made me fearful of the future.
Questions that surface with the coming of middle-age had made me fearful of life itself. I started to light my pipe and accidentally spilled some hot ash which burned a hole right in the center of the window-seat cover. Seeing what had happened, Helen threaded a needle and stitched a beautiful flower over the charred spot. When I looked at the finished work, I realized that it was a striking symbol of our life together, and my spirits began to soar. I had married a repairer of broken spirits, a healer of wounds, a woman whose very presence was an antidote to fear.
Moreover, I understood, perhaps for the very first time, that it was Helen's deep and abiding trust in God's goodness that made it possible for her to be a source of light and a harbinger of hope in times of darkness and despair.
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Leo Beligan
8/28/2016 4:04:00 PM
Relationships
From the recent bestseller “Growing Up Isn’t Hard To Do If You Start Out As A Kid,” author David Heller shares the results of hundreds of hours of interviews with children between the ages of four and ten. The following are some of their insights into love, marriage and dating:
”Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other...Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.” Lynnette, age 8
”On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” Martin, age 10
”I don’t know who I’ll marry, but I’ll tell you one thing, she’ll have to sign a paper that says she takes out the garbage, and I get to watch whatever TV shows I want!” Allan, (who believes in pre-nuptial agreements), age 10
”If men and women didn’t get married, there would be almost no divorces at all.” Rhonda, age 8
”Being married is better, because you can always share things with your husband. Like if you’re driving and you’re in a car accident, you can always say it was your husband’s fault!” Kit, age 10
”It gives me a headache to think about that stuff (marriage). I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.” Will, age 7
”Don’t fight until you’ve been married for at least a week...after that it’s expected.” Kirsten, age 10
”No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry...God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with. Jane, age 10
”Marriage means spending a lot of time together, even if you don’t want to!” Craig, age 9
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cirenia
9/2/2016 6:31:00 AM
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'?"
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MILIG
9/16/2016 11:24:00 PM
During a 50th anniversary wedding celebration, the father of the bride was asked to give a brief account of the benefits achieved from being married for so long.

He stood up, thought for a long moment, then said, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness, and...." he paused.

"And?" someone cried out from the back of the room.

"... and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single!"
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lintik
9/26/2016 5:46:00 PM
I waited for a very long time for my number to be called at the Department of Motor Vehicles to renew my driver's license. As I approached the window, the clerk asked how she could help me.

I replied, "I need to get a haircut, can you save me my spot?"

She said, "Why didn't you get a haircut before your came here?"

I replied, "I didn't need one before I got here!"
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lintik
9/26/2016 5:48:00 PM
My wife and I have several accounts at a bank where I went to deposit a sizable check.

When I entered, I noticed that streamers and balloons filled the lobby. I didn't stop to see what the celebration was about.

At the counter, the teller said a hold would be placed on my check because there wasn't enough money in my account to cover it. I argued that with all my accounts combined, where were more than enough funds.

The teller went to speak with the manager. She returned, with a sour face, and curtly informed me she would go ahead and credit the check to my account. As I left, I asked her, "By the way, why is the bank decorated?"

Under her breath she said, "It's customer appreciation day."
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abigail
10/17/2016 7:39:00 PM
A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear.

He says, “Doctor, what is wrong with me?"

The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”
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abigail
10/27/2016 11:31:00 PM
The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow."
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abigail
11/11/2016 7:26:00 AM
agar-aramid ni leroy ti homework na iti math. kun-kunana ket "one plus one, that son of bitch is two," three plus three, that son of a bitch is six." nangngeg ni bining nga inana ket immasideg a nagdamag.

bining: ania ta ar-aramidem? ania ta ibag-bagam?

leroy: ar-aramidek toy homework ko, inang.

bining: apay kasta ti isur-suro ni maestra yo?

leroy: wen, inang.

kinabigatanna ket napan ni bining idiay klase ni leroy.

bining: maam, kayatko laeng nga maammuan no ania iti isur-suro yo toy anakko diay math?

maestra: pagad-adalan mi ita ti "addition," misis.

bining: ke. . .isur-suro yo nga ibaga "two plus two that son of a bitch is four?"

maestra: saan met a kasta misis, iti insurok ket "two plus two, the sum of which is four."
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lintik
11/26/2016 10:39:00 AM
Naming Babies
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother - he's an idiot." Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not such a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then asks the doctor, "What's the boys name!" The doctor replies, "DeNephew."
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apdo
12/10/2016 5:32:00 PM
Never Bet With Johnny
So Little Johnny’s teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says “teacher, I’ll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is.”
She replies, “okay, meet me after class and we’ll settle it.” But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. “Blue.”
“Nope. You got it wrong,” she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn’t wearing any underwear.
“Well come with me out to my dads car, he’s waiting for me, and I’ll get you the money.”
She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims: “That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he’d see your pussy before the end of the day!”
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apdo
12/25/2016 11:01:00 AM
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone, I'm married!'


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lintik
12/29/2016 5:44:00 PM
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand?? This is a Catholic country, this city is the seed of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said:

"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."
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abigail
1/4/2017 7:55:00 AM
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there is a Hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
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lintik
1/18/2017 7:00:00 PM
A businessman was trying to choose a lawyer, but was being very careful about it. He scheduled appointments to interview three lawyers.
At the first lawyer's office, after an initial exchange of pleasantries, the businessman said, "Okay, let's get down to business. I have an important question for you, and I want you to think carefully before answering. How much is two plus two?"
The lawyer raised his eyebrows, "two plus two is four." The businessman thanked him for his time, and proceeded to his appointment.
The second lawyer, who was also a CPA, seemed a bit more particular than the first lawyer. After an initial discussion, the businessman again announced that he had a very important question, and asked, "How much is two plus two?"
The second lawyer went over to a computer, and entered figures into a spreadsheet. "According to my calculations, two plus two is approximately four." The businessman thanked him for his time, and proceeded to his next appointment.
The third lawyer sat behind a big mahogany desk, and smoked a cigar. He seemed rather self-important as compared to the other two, but at the same time appeared to be much more successful. The businessman again announced, "I would like you to answer a very important question for me, before I decide whether I should use your services. How much is two plus two?"
The lawyer pulled the shades, locked the door to his office, and in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
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apdo
1/20/2017 3:07:00 PM
The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you American rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up;
"Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
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cirenia
2/6/2017 6:32:00 AM
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge.

"This is not working I'm going to my mum's house."

So, I opened the fridge's door, the light came on and the juice was cold.

What the hell did she mean?
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apdo
3/4/2017 9:10:00 PM
Quadruplets
A redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having their babies. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said “congratulations, your wife has had quadruplets; 4 big baby boys.” …

The redneck said “I am not surprised. I have a johnson the size of a chimney.” …

The nurse replied, “you might want to get it cleaned, or get a divorce lawyer, because they are all black.”
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apdo
3/4/2017 9:11:00 PM
The retired guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts."
The doctor replies, "OK. Touch your elbow." The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.
The doctor, surprised, then states, "Touch your head."
The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts a lot.
The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc. He tells the guy to come back in two days.
Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor declares, "We've found your problem."
"Oh yeah? What is it?" asks the retiree.
"You've broken your finger!"
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apdo
3/4/2017 9:14:00 PM
Question: Why do retirees smile all the time?
Answer: Because they can't hear a word you're saying!
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10 percent discount.
Question: How do you know you’re old enough to retire?
Answer: Instead of lying about your age, you start bragging about it!
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apdo
3/4/2017 9:15:00 PM
Who ya gonna call? Fly swatters!
A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.
Wife: “What are you doing dear?”
Husband: “Swatting flies. I got three males and two females”
Wife: “How on Earth do you know which gender they were?”
Husband: “Easy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.”
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apdo
3/4/2017 9:17:00 PM
True Happiness
Happiness is like peeing in your pants … … … Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth
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lintik
3/20/2017 5:00:00 PM
After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.

About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!" It worked.
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lintik
3/20/2017 5:03:00 PM
Wife and the Mistress
Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other’s behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman.
“Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!” his wife reported.
Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew.
Once again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that they had met.
“She was a real lady,” his mistress said.
Gary’s spirits picked up. “Why do you say that?” he asked.
“She came on board with her husband and never left his side.”
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lintik
3/20/2017 5:05:00 PM
Wife and the Mistress
Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other’s behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman.
“Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!” his wife reported.
Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew.
Once again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that they had met.
“She was a real lady,” his mistress said.
Gary’s spirits picked up. “Why do you say that?” he asked.
“She came on board with her husband and never left his side.”
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abigail
4/1/2017 7:28:00 AM
Mom: Son, why dont you talk to Mark anymore? You used to be best friends.

Son: Well would you talk to someone who is stupid, uses drugs and is an alcoholic?

Mom: Of course not.

Son: Well neither would he.
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lintik
4/17/2017 8:54:00 PM
My African Neighbor just accused me of being racist.I said, ” F*ck Off, I’ve got a colored TV “.
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lintik
4/17/2017 8:55:00 PM
Crumpled Bills
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband…
“Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No,” said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little more quickly with anticipation.
“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No way!” he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied …
“Go look in the garage!”

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Leo Beligan
4/29/2017 11:47:00 AM
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Tom says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest woman, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from Tom, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
"And how about you, Cindy?"
"I wanna be Tom's woman"
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abigail
5/20/2017 4:18:00 PM
Never Let Go!
A pastor made an investment in an old farm which he planned to enjoy in his retirement years. Still leading a very active church, he would take one day off each week from ministry to work on his property. But what a job! He soon realized that the farm he bought was nothing more than several acres of weeds, gopher holes and run-down buildings. By any measure, it was a mess, but the pastor was sure it had potential.
So every week he would go out to his land, crank up the old tractor and plow through the seemingly endless weeds and brush. Then he'd concentrate on much-needed repairs to the buildings. He'd mix cement, cut lumber, replace broken windows and patch up the plumbing. It was hard work for sure, but after several months things began to take shape. And every time the pastor completed a project he would beam with pride. Indeed, his hard work was beginning to pay off.
One day the minister received a friendly visit from a neighbor who lived a few miles down the road. Familiar with the old place, the man took a long look around. And though there was still much work to be done, the neighbor was impressed. Nodding his approval he said, "Well preacher, it sure looks like you and God have been busy out here."
The pastor, wiping sweat from his face, replied, "That's nice of you to say but I've got to tell you something. You should have seen this place when God had it all to himself!"
In each of our lives, there is a mighty work to be done. But with God's help, we can conquer life's biggest challenges.
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abigail
5/20/2017 4:20:00 PM
Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don’t.
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abigail
6/28/2017 3:28:00 PM
A Canadian man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked to him and quietly said, "Your barracks door is open."
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled by her comment. When he was about done shopping, a man passed and said out of the corner of his mouth, "Your fly's open."
Being a good fellow, he zipped it up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he decided to intentionally get into the line where the lady was, who told him about his barracks door. He was planning to have a little fun with her.
When he reached the check-out counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing at attention?"
The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, "No, actually I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags."
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abigail
6/28/2017 3:29:00 PM
One night, a guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink. Then asked for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender got worried.
"What's the matter?" The bartender asked.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy, "and she vowed not to talk to me for 31 days ......"
He took another shot, and said, "And tonight is the last night."
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abigail
6/28/2017 3:30:00 PM
Two buddies, Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there's baseball in heaven.
One night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankees victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked
"Of course it's me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
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abigail
6/28/2017 3:32:00 PM
Husband sent a text to his wife at night :

"Hi I will get home late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes.

#No reply#"

And make sure you prepare my favorite dish before i return."

#No reply#.

He sent another text

"And i forgot to tell you that i got an increase in my salary. At the end of this month i'm getting you a new car".

She text back ; "Oh my God, really ??".

Husband replied ; "No i just wanted to make sure you got all my first messages. nice night baby".
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lintik
8/9/2017 6:58:00 AM
Tom’s Scrotum
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”
(You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.)
“Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.”
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”
(Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.)
“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
(All the men sighed with unified relief.)
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium.
He said, “I’m Tom Smith.” The entire congregation held its breath.
“I just want to tell my wife — the word is sternum.”
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lintik
8/9/2017 7:14:00 AM
The Problem With Jury Duty
Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called the clerk’s office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," the clerk said.
"But I filled them out last year," she replied.
"You have to fill them out every year."
"Why? Do you think I’m getting younger?"
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lintik
8/9/2017 7:14:00 AM
Fishing For Whiskey
“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
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Leo Beligan
8/20/2017 1:38:00 PM
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?
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apdo
9/17/2017 8:21:00 AM
The Mob was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were ‘protecting’.
Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job–if he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
On his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $100,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mob soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends their toughest enforcer to “deal with da situation”.
Well, it doesn’t take long for the enforcer to find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can’t communicate with him, so the enforcer drags the guy to an interpreter.
He says to the interpreter, “Ask him where da money is.” The interpreter signs, “Where’s the money?” The deaf man signs back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The interpreter tells the enforcer, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
The enforcer pulls out a .38 S&W and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. “NOW ask him where da money is.”
The interpreter signs, “Where is the money?” The deaf man frantically signs back, “The $100,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate.”
The interpreter says to the hood, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, and furthermore, he doesn’t think you have the balls to pull the trigger.”
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apdo
9/17/2017 8:28:00 AM
Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its sexy lingerie.

To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same nightgown.

This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude. "I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20-something behind me.

"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother."
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abigail
9/26/2017 7:04:00 AM
Did you know that...
*A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes (O.M.G.!!!) ??
*A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death (Creepy. But i'm still not over the pig.)??
*The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.
The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home! What the...?!)
*The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)??
*The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
*Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still can't believe that pig...quality over quantity)??
*Butterflies taste with their feet (Something I always wanted to know)
*Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
*A cat's urine glows under a black light
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
*An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain
(I know some people like that)
*Starfishes have no brains
(I know some people like that, too)
*Polar bears are left-handed (Talk about a southpaw)
*Humans & dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?!)??
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abigail
9/26/2017 7:11:00 AM
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for a local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the track?"
Tom says, "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" Asks the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the tracks to use the manual lever down there," answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo."
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash.
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apdo
9/26/2017 8:09:00 AM
Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas. As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them.

Noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help. When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or a can.

Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it would and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts into the pan. He then handed the pan to the sisters, got back into his truck and waved goodbye.

While the nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel into their gas tank, a cop happened by. He stopped and watched them for a few moments, then said, "Sisters, somehow I don't think that's going to work, but I sure do admire your faith!"
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apdo
9/26/2017 8:13:00 AM
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met a young lady of excellent character and virtue that interested him very much. What should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great idea, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't started eating yet."
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apdo
10/15/2017 8:07:00 AM
The Irony of Life is…..
Airports have seen more Affectionate Kisses
than Wedding Halls..
The Walls of Hospitals have heard more Sincere Prayers
than the Walls of Temples,
Masjid and churches..
Good Days or Bad Days Depend on ur Thinking. What u Call “Suffocation” in Local Train Becomes an
“Atmosphere” in Disco.
Pizza….always confuses us … it comes in a square box … when you open it … it’s round … when you start eating it … it’s triangle ! Life & People are also like Pizza … Look different .. Appear different .. & .. Behave absolutely different
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apdo
10/15/2017 8:23:00 AM
Always pray to have eyes that see the best, a heart that forgives the worst,a mind that forgets the bad , and a soul that that never loses faith in God .
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cirenia
11/10/2017 4:06:00 PM
After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.

Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me."


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lintik
12/5/2017 7:42:00 PM
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack," says the little boy.
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lintik
1/7/2018 5:47:00 AM
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"
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cirenia
2/1/2018 6:27:00 AM
I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

He said, “NO!”

I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”

He said, “OK.”

I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”

Bill Gates said, “NO.”

I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”

Bill Gates said, “OK.”

I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.

He said, “NO.”

I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”

He said, “OK.”

This is how politics works.
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lintik
2/8/2018 5:43:00 AM
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying, "It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I am going to my mothers.
"
I opened the fridge. The light came on, the beer was cold.

What is she on about?
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cirenia
3/6/2018 7:43:00 AM
A man married a beautiful girl. He loved her very much. One day she developed a skin disease. Slowly she started to lose her beauty. It so happened that one day her husband left for a tour.
While returning he met with an accident and lost his eyesight. However their married life continued as usual. But as days passed she lost her beauty gradually. Blind husband did not know this and there was not any difference in their married life. He continued to love her and she also loved him very much.
One day she died. Her death brought him great sorrow.
He finished all her last rites and wanted to leave that town.
A man from behind called and said, now how will you be able to walk all alone? All these days your wife used to help you.
He replied, I am not blind. I was acting, because if she knew l could see her ugliness it would have pained her more than her disease. So I pretended to be blind. She was a very good wife. I only wanted to keep her happy.
Moral:- ?Some times it is good for us to act blind and ignore one another's short comings, in order to be happy?
?No matter how many times the teeth bite the tongue, they still stay together in one mouth. That's the spirit of FORGIVENESS. Even though the eyes don't see each other, they see things together, blink simultaneously and cry together. That's UNITY." May the Lord grant us all the spirit of forgiveness and togetherness?.

1. ''Alone I can 'Say' but together we can 'talk'.
2. "Alone I can 'Enjoy' but together we can celebrate
3. 'Alone I can 'Smile' but together we can 'Laugh'.

?That's the BEAUTY of Human Relations. We are nothing without each other?.

The razor blade is sharp but can't cut a tree; the axe is strong but can't cut the hair.

?MORALS?; *Everyone is important according to his/her unique purpose,Never look down on anyone unless you are admiring their shoes

Share to educate someone. Have done my part.

(All rights and acknowledgement goes to the author of this story,not me)
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apdo
3/19/2018 4:02:00 PM
Sunday after church, a mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared; you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said, "Be not afraid; thy comforter is coming."
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apdo
3/19/2018 4:03:00 PM
My dinner party was headed for disaster.

One man, an insurance salesman, was monopolizing the conversation with a lengthy account of recent litigation involving himself. Since two other guests were lawyers, I was becoming increasingly uneasy.

"In the end," the salesman concluded, "you know who got all the money."

I cringed.

"The lawyers!" he shouted.

There was embarrassed silence at the table. My heart was pounding until the wife of one lawyer said, "Oh, I love a story with a happy ending."
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apdo
3/19/2018 4:04:00 PM
One day a state trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago. When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car. The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in, and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car.

So the trooper decided to pull him over and perform a community service by giving the driver his chicken. He pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off the roof, and offered it to the driver.

The driver looked at the trooper and said, "No thanks. I just bought some."
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apdo
3/19/2018 4:05:00 PM
A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store to help him buy groceries. In addition to the healthy items on his wife's carefully prepared list, the two of them returned home with a package of sugar-filled cookies.

"Why in the world did you buy those?" his wife asked. "You know they aren't good for you!"

"Oh, but don't worry, honey, these cookies have one-third less calories than usual in them," the husband replied.

The wife looked all over the package but couldn't find any claim to that fact, so she asked, "What makes you think that?"

"We ate about a third of the box on the way home."
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Leo Beligan
4/1/2018 8:53:00 AM
Seasonal Christians?
By: Fr. Jerry M. Orbos SVD - @inquirerdotnet Philippine Daily Inquirer / 05:06 AM April 01, 2018
The story is told about a father who called his son to tell him the sad news that he and Mom
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are getting divorced. The son objected, and he called his sister and told her about the planned divorce. Both children then phoned home to say they were coming right away. After putting down the phone, Dad and Mom were happy that the kids are coming to visit them finally, and at their own expense at that!

Happy Easter! The Holy Week has ended, but may it not be just a once-a-year experience for us. May it not be something we take for granted, something we visit just once a year. May the spirit of the Holy Week—sacrifice, penance, prayers, good deeds—stay with us the whole year round. May we not be just seasonal Christians.

In today’s Gospel (John 20: 1-19), we hear of the amazing event when Mary of Magdala, Simon and John discovered Jesus’ empty tomb and realized that He had risen as He had said. It was a morning filled with awe, wonder, and joy. May Easter morning break through in our lives. May a new dawn come forth in our country. May the light of Jesus shine forth in our dark and troubled world.

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How we feel this Easter morning depends on how you observed the Holy Week. We reap what we sow. If we walked with Jesus in the Holy Week, we will feel His Easter presence today.

Today is April Fool’s Day. The road we take is the road of losers in the eyes of the world, and definitely, for them, not the road of the wise and the smart. Maybe. But it is the road that is filled with peace and meaning, trials and persecutions notwithstanding. It is a choice we make, and renew again and again. This Easter Sunday, we renew our baptismal vows to renounce sin and the lures of evil, profess our belief in God once again, and promise to serve God faithfully in His holy Catholic Church. Let us make our choice and let our commitment for the Lord be strong.

It’s the time of year when the bangar tree at the back of the Mission House in Christ the King Seminary makes its presence felt again, with its beautiful, flaming red flowers and foul smell. It is a reminder that summer is here. For me, it is also a reminder of what Papa told us when we were small about people who look beautiful on the outside but have such a foul-smelling character on the inside.

Summer fruits are in season again. The thing is that for some, faith is just a seasonal thing, one that bears fruit especially on Christmas and the Lenten season only. May we be Christians every day, and in ordinary times.

Heard about four-wheel Christians? They are those who go to church by car—i.e., when they are hatched, when they are matched, and when they are dispatched!

“Our days may come to 70 years or 80, if our strength endures, yet the best of them are but trouble and sorrow, for they quickly pass and we fly away” (Ps. 90:10). My classmate, Fr. Dino Ariola, SVD, is now enjoying the presence of the Risen Lord in Heaven. He died last March 21 at the age of 72. He was simple, humorous and pious. We called him “Cardinal” even when he was a seminarian. He spent many years as a missionary in Togo, Africa, and did a lot of legwork for the Lord as a pastor, formator, and university chaplain. He was the fourth to go ahead to Heaven in our Ordination Class of 1980. Until we meet again, dear classmate! Pray for us, as we pray for you.

I thought I was seeing double when I was giving communion last March 20. Identical twins Kenneth and King Hizon are lawyers at the Court of Appeals, the source of pride for their parents, Carlos and Lourdes Hizon. The challenge of Easter for all of us is to become “alter Christus,” another Christ, and be a source of joy and pride for our loving Father.

Here’s an Easter message for fellow senior citizens: “Let us take good care of ourselves and avoid injuries because spare parts for old models are no longer available. Most of us were made in the ’40s,

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’50s, and ’60s. Warranty period is long over, and expiry date is forthcoming, but hey, we’re still around, alive and kicking. Thank God who was with us when we were young, but especially now in our sunset years, when our pace is slower, but our lives definitely not dimmer.”

A moment with the Lord:

Lord, be with us in all seasons of our lives. Amen.



Read more: http://opinion.inquirer.net/112120/seasonal-christians#ixzz5BR802Col
Follow us: @inquirerdotnet on Twitter | inquirerdotnet on Facebook
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cirenia
4/8/2018 8:20:00 PM
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog and fishing equipment, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house and slipped back into bed, where my wife was turned away from me. I whispered to her, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 20 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that mess?"

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped fishing.
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cirenia
4/25/2018 8:12:00 PM
Rabbi Levy had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was a nurse there.

One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing. She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?"

"Oh, sister," chuckled Rabbi Levy, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough."
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cirenia
5/28/2018 7:26:00 AM
Bob was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of common knowledge and his fairly low IQ.

He turned to his wife Marlene with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

Marlene replies, "Why thank you, dear!"
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abigail
7/15/2018 9:01:00 PM
A married couple was vacationing in Yosemite. The wife expressed her concern about camping because of bears and said she would feel more comfortable in a motel. The husband said that he'd like to camp. To calm her concerns, he suggested they talk to the park ranger to see what the likelihood of a bear encounter would be.

The ranger told them, "Well, we haven't seen any grizzlies in this area so far this year, or black bears, for that matter."

The wife shrieked, "There are TWO types of bears out here? How can you tell the difference? Which one is more dangerous?"

The ranger replied, "Well, that's easy -- see, if the bear chases you up a tree and it comes up after you, it's a BLACK bear. If it SHAKES the tree until you fall out, it's a grizzly."

The motel room was quite nice.
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apdo
8/1/2018 7:21:00 AM
Mr Singh walks into a bar in London, orders 3 glasses of beer and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn._

When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."

Mr. Singh replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai , the other in Canada and I'm here in London . When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."

The bartender admits this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

Mr. Singh became a regular in the bar and would always drink the same way. He'd order 3 Beers and drink them in turn.

One day, he came in and ordered only 2 Beers. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bar tender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss."

Mr. Singh looked confused for a moment, and then he laughs.... "Oh, no,"

He said, "Everyone's fine; both my brothers are alive. The only thing is...

I’ve quit drinking"!!!

Cheers!!
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cirenia
8/1/2018 9:37:00 AM
Seventy-two-year-old Edgar recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said Edgar was doing "fairly well" for his age.

A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn't resist asking the doctor, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

The doctor asked, "Well, do you smoke or drink beer?"

"Oh no," Edgar replied, "I've never done either."

Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?"

Edgar said, "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthful!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" the doctor asked.

"No, I don't," Edgar replied.

Then the doctor asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or run around with women?"

"No," Edgar said, "I don't do any of those things."

The good doctor looked at Edgar and said, "Then why the heck do you want to live to be 80?"
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cirenia
8/1/2018 9:38:00 AM
When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.

Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living. I think I'm gonna top myself."

"Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left me too, yet I'm happy."

"How?" asked Joe.

"Easy," replied the quack. "I threw myself into my work. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her.

By the way, Joe, what work do you do?"

"I clean out septic tanks," Joe replied.
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abigail
8/12/2018 2:06:00 PM
I think I have found inner peace. I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things I had started.
Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, a bottle of wine and a small box of candy. I feel better already. Pass this along to those who need inner peace.
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abigail
8/12/2018 2:07:00 PM
Two Alabama State Trooper patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Camaro heading east toward Georgia on I-90.

When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over immediately. The rookie trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, "Sarge, why'd you stop?"

"You dumb rookie," replied the sarge. "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."
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abigail
9/1/2018 9:12:00 PM
*Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
* *Give me the grace to see a joke,
* *To get some humour out of life,
* *And pass it on to other folk!*
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abigail
9/1/2018 9:13:00 PM
A Canadian preacher was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.

The substitute wanted to know what to play.

‘Here's a copy of the service,' he said impatiently. ‘But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.'

During the service, the minister paused and said, ‘Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.'

At that moment, the substitute organist played, *'O Canada.'

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
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lintik
9/10/2018 8:57:00 AM
A man has to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decides to bring his wife. When they arrive at their hotel and are shown to their room, the man says, "You rest here while I register. I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed. Just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is skeptical, but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look, lie here on the bed. You'll be thrown right to the floor!" the woman says.

So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in.

"What are you doing here?" the husband asks.

The manager replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
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lintik
9/21/2018 7:45:00 AM
A man is bragging about his new hearing aid. "It's the best I've ever had," he says. "It cost $3,000."

His friend asks, "What kind is it?"

He says, "Half past four!"
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abigail
10/2/2018 8:19:00 AM
When my son was in the ninth grade, we reluctantly agreed to let him move into the basement. Then I realized how convenient it was to get him to the breakfast table. Before, I used to stand at the bottom of the staircase and scream his name. Now all I had to do was flick the basement light off and on, and he was here.

One morning I flicked the switch, and nothing happened. I did it several more times. "I'm on my way," my son called up. "You didn't have to yell."
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abigail
10/11/2018 8:32:00 PM
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
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abigail
10/11/2018 8:34:00 PM
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great time for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.

He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.

Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"

"Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!"
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lintik
10/29/2018 6:53:00 AM
WHY DO COUPLES FIGHT ? ? ?

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started....

***************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a weighing scale.

And then the fight started....

***************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.

So I took her to a petrol pump

And then the fight started....

***************************

My wife was standing & looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, 'I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to give me a compliment."

I replied, "Your eyesight is perfect."

And then the fight started....

***************************

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I've not been in a long time."

So I took her to my parents' house.

And then the fight started....

***************************

Dedicated to all married couples. But don't send to all.

I sent it to my friend. He sent it to his wife and then the fight started.
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lintik
10/29/2018 7:11:00 AM
If our actions are motivated by a desire to be praised or liked by others, then we will always be in constant agitation, insecurity, apprehension or frustration. Because man being imperfect and with different idiosyncrasies and views, an act may please one group, but displease another. We cannot please everyone no matter how hard we try. Just do what is right by God and man and never mind what others say. Trying to please Him is all that matters. All the rest is vanity and will turn to dust and be forgotten. To Him be the glory always. (DAN AMOSIN)
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oyasan
11/4/2018 6:34:00 AM
Dear Ex,
sabi mo noon mamamatay ka kapag nawala ako sa buhay mo. Santaon na ang nakalipas, buhay ka pa rin. Sinungaling!
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Ag-Loginka pay nga umuna Kailian sakbay nga agposteka.





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