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oyasan
3/26/2006 8:29:00 AM

IPOSTE/IPORWARD TAYO MAN DITOY DAGITAY 'WORDS OF WISDOM', 'WORDS OF ABOUT GOD/RELIGION' ETC. NGA MAKA-AY-AYO NGA BASBASAEN.


Sungsungbat/Komentario

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otiang
6/21/2007 8:02:00 PM
Subject: Ropin'



One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.

After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"
The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.
Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"
The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.

"Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly, "That's ma'rope!"
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.
"Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!"
Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"


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otiang
6/25/2007 5:40:00 PM
Winners Losers : From Kris to Ruffa to Gretchen( Desperate Housewives. Philippine Edition).
Or are we reaping some sort of a negative karma to deserve them?)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The month of June is a good time to review what transpired for the first six months of 2007. For this edition, Conventional Wisdom is focusing on showbiz-related matters instead of the usual politics (which in a way is also show-biz but ??for ugly people). Read on.

Kris Aquino. Loser. While she is the innocent one in the whole James-Hope brouhaha, Conventional Wisdom thinks that she could have handled the incident with more dignity and privacy. One wonders why this drama queen wants to inflict her day-to-day saga with the whole planet. From exaggerating her "life-threatening" pregnancy, to lambasting her husband in public ("O magsalita ka? Totoo naming pina-palayas na kita sa bahay a?"), to actually using Ninoy to promote a cake in her latest commercial. Kris' next endorsement should neither be beer nor pastries but laundry detergent for her unquenchable desire to always wash her very dirty underwear in public.

James Yap. Loser. One word : cad. As one writer succinctly said : "What do you expect from a provincial boy who suddenly became famous and wealthy?" The last time we witnessed a showbiz cad was during Gabby
Concepcion's time. James is now second in our list. Conventional Wisdom is giving them maximum of 3 years as a couple. Kris is starting to look more and more mature and matronic. James is still young. Give James sometime,
and after Hope - - Faith and Charity will spring forth.

Moral of the story. Smoking is bad for marriage: Kris had Philip, James had Hope. Conventional Wisdom can't take any more of this!!!

Ruffa Gutierrez / Annabelle Rama : The mother and daughter (MAD) team strikes again. From a filmfest scam that made it to CNN, to Brunie-yuki scandal that merited a senate hearing, and now, the falling out with Ylmaz
- - which is desperately being peddled out as Philippines vs. Turkey. Oppressor vs. Victim.

Ruffa Gutierrez: Loser. A desperate act from a has-been, middle-aged B-actress who is trying to make a come-back by capitalizing on whatever publicity that can be squeezed out from this split. From caterwauling one
minute "Hindi ko na kaya Kuya Boy!", to coyly saying the following week "Ligawan nya (Ylmaz) ulit ako" to having her born again baptism rites captured on cam and then heading off to Las Vegas the following week to relax and do damage control (about his marriage five years ago in Las Vegas). Ruffa, you're act is getting stale. You have become so predictable and boring.

Annabelle Rama. Winner. For always a character that she is. For being consistent in her act and for being our constant source of amusement. Conventional Wisdom almost fell off its chair when this motor-mouth fish-wife asked Dolly Ann to return the cosmetics she gave her and then, proceeded on by actually naming two unknown women on national television to pay their debts to her since she now has to take care of Ruffa and her grandchildren: "Hoy, so and so magbayad na kayo ng utang nyo sa akin dahil marami na akong papalamunin ngayon" or something to that effect.

Panalo talaga si Bisaya. I strongly suggest to PGMA that we give this woman a postion in the government preferably as Head of our National Defense. Asap.

Dolly Ann Carvajal. Winner and Loser. A lot of people don't like this woman. For one, she is not pleasing to the eye. Her gay son looks a lot better than she. And admit it or not, she became a writer thru her connections - mom and aunt. But being objective about the whole thing, Conventional Wisdom thinks that Dolly Ann is on the right this time. Why can't the mother and daughter (MAD) tandem just answer the questions posed by Dolly Ann? Why can't Annabelle stick to the issues instead of pointing out something we already know: how ugly Dolly Ann is.

What makes Dolly Ann a loser is her constant use of her departed mom's legacy and memory whenever someone would diss her out. Honey, stop hiding under the skirt of your mom. You are not a sacred cow.

Pia Guanio. Loser. What a lousy lousy interviewer. The depth of her talent as a host is as long as her irritating mini skirts. Do us a favor Pia, ask Bossing to marry you already and then fade into oblivion.

Gretchen Baretto. Loser. One word : Wow. The affectations of La Greta can only be matched by her delusions of grandeur. From the looks of it, she is experiencing the early on-set of a mid-life crisis. She has been picking fights left and right?with Lani Mercado, and then with Dawn Zulueta. From her classic statement about the looks of her own daughter: "Naaawa nga ako dahil karamihan ng tao ang sabi kay Dominique, kamukha sya
ng tatay nya?". And now the "friendly beso-beso" lip-lock with John Estrada. Please explain to Conventional Wisdom - - "How can this be a friendly kiss when you and John looked so orgasmic in that shot?

Gretchen is a classic example of "langaw na nakatungtong sa kalabaw, pero feeling mataas pa sa kalabaw." Someone should already tell this woman to seek professional help. Sober up and clean your act sister. You are no Paris Hilton. More like Plaster of Paris Hilton.

Cesar Montano, Richard Gomez, Manny Pacquiao, etc. - Losers. No further explanations needed.

Borgy Manotoc. Loser. Please. Please. From one scandal to the next. From one basag-ulo to the next. We have enough of you and your sap-sap mouth face. Will someone already put this psycho behind bars?

Butch Francisco and Dolly Ann as writers. Losers. Please don't waste precious newspaper space writing about personal stories that nobody (repeat, nobody!) finds interesting at all. From your maid's antics to your experience as a judge of Slimmers World Mr. and Ms. Ek ek, to a current love who inspires you. Please! A tree gave up its life to have these newspaper printed. Have I mentioned that nobody is interested?

Belo's Billboards. Loser. Hideous. Plain hideous. Whoever is advising Vicky (I can't call her Doctora Vicky because as Osang said, she was a mere aerobics instructor before) to put out all those monstrosities should be charged with Human Rights violations. From the disturbing Chrismas billboard last December, to Richard Gomez's billboard pre-campaign period, to Ai-ai's scary shot. Conventional Wisdom would rather stare at the billboards of Ellen's Beauty Salon (with Ellen as the model herself) than see these Belo ads.

Nora Aunor. Loser. To be a has-been superstar drug dependent in your fifties is bad enough. To be caught doing drugs in another country is worse. To be found-out to have married another woman many years ago for a US green-card is worst. Ate Guy is a classic example of a person blessed with so much talent and opportunity gone to waste.

Regine Velasquez & Ogie Alcasid. Losers. Regine is what ..... .nearing 40? As someone said "from her demeanor to her utterance, Regine is trying very, very, very hard to hold on to youth." And if I may add, failing miserably.
This home-wrecker who speaks with an American sleng-sleng should act her age. Seeing her kilig-reaction about the admission of
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Leo Beligan
6/27/2007 9:08:00 PM
Pinoy Haircut

There was this good old barber in a city in the United States.
One day a florist went to him for a haircut. After the cut, he wanted to
pay the barber but the barber replied, "I don't accept money from you.
I'm doing community service." The florist was happy and left the
barbershop.

The next morning when the barber opened his shop, there was a "thank
you" card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

The following day, a policeman went for a haircut and he also wanted to
pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replied, "I don't accept
money from you. I'm doing community service."
The cop was happy and left the barbershop.

The next morning when the barber opened his shop, there is a "thank you"
card and a dozen freshly baked donuts waiting at his door.

On the third day, a Filipino software engineer went for a haircut. He
also wanted to pay the barber. But the barber also replied," I'm sorry.
I don't accept money from you. I'm doing community service." The
Filipino software engineer was happy and left.

The following morning when the barber opened his shop, he had a big
surprise! Guess what he found!




* * * * Can you guess?....




* * * * Do you know the answer yet?....




* * * * Come on, think like a Filipino....




* * * * O, sirit ka na ba?






There were a dozen FILIPINOS waiting for free haircuts ! ! ! ! ! !
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Juror No. 1
6/28/2007 11:10:00 AM
A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.


A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it . And went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamines and three condoms.


The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!"! And returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.




The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The guy was elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry... But, if it makes you sick...Why do
you keep doing it?


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Juror No. 1
6/28/2007 11:11:00 AM
Carlos, a 'young' Filipino tourist on his first visit to London,
located the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam
asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "No!" and walks away quickly.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary-looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with it. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do.
Lola looks A bit tired, but she has never said no and it doesn't seem likely that anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Carlos. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!", smacks him as hard as she can, and literally runs away too!

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she did it for many years before she got into management. She's sure she has said yes at one time or another to everything a man could possibly ask for.

The challenge is irresistible. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. And she sees a chance she can't pass up to show off to her employees how good she was at what they do.

So she goes over to Carlos and says that she's the best in the house and she, herself, is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic a bit,giggle a bit, drink a little, and she sits in his lap. And then Carlos leans forward and whispers in her ear, ............................





Scroll down









"Can I pay in Philippine Pesos?"

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Juror No. 1
6/28/2007 11:17:00 AM
THE GREATEST ADVICE - The Purpose Driven Life

Don't date because you are desperate.
Don't marry because you are miserable.
Don't have kids because you think your genes are superior.
Don't philander because you think you are irresistible.

Don't associate with people you can't trust.
Don't cheat. Don't lie. Don't pretend.
Don't dictate because you are smarter.
Don't demand because you are stronger.

Don't sleep around because you think you are old enough & know better.
Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder.
Don't sell yourself, your family, or your ideals.
Don't stagnate!

Don't regress.
Don't live in the past. Time can't bring anything or anyone back.
Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr. Right.
Don't throw your life away on absolutely Mr. Wrong because your biological clock is ticking.

Learn a new skill.
Find a new friend.
Start a new career.
Sometimes, there is no race to be won, only a price to be paid for some of life's more hasty decisions.

To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.
Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.

To make yourself happy, pursue your passions & be the best of what you can be.
Simplify your life. Take away the clutter.
Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, and dangerous liaisons.
Don't abandon your responsibilities but don't overdose on duty.

Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family.
Be true to yourself.
Don't commit when you are not ready.
Don't keep others waiting needlessly.

Go on that trip. Don't postpone it.
Say those words. Don't let the moment pass.
Do what you have to, even at society's scorn.

Write poetry.
Love Deeply.
Walk barefoot.
Dance with wild abandon.
Cry at the movies.

Take care of yourself. Don't wait for someone to take care of you.
You light up your life.
You drive yourself to your destination.
No one completes you - except YOU.

It isn't true that life does not get easier with age.
It only gets more challenging.
Don't be afraid. Don't lose your capacity to love.
Pursue your passions.

Live your dreams.
Don't lose faith in God.
Don't grow old. Just grow YOU!

When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you'll never get back.
Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give to someone is your time.
Relationships take time and effort, and the best way to spell love is T-I-M-E because the essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
God is good all the time!

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Leo Beligan
6/28/2007 10:42:00 PM
JOSE & CARLOS ARE PANHANDLING ON THE STREET.

JOSE DRIVES A MERCEDES, LIVES IN A MORTGAGE FREE HOME AND HAS MONEY TO SPEND.

CARLOS ONLY BRINGS IN 2 TO 3 DOLLARS A DAY!



CARLOS ASKS JOSE HOW HE CAN BRING HOME A SUITCASE FULL OF $10.00 BILL EVERY DAY!

JOSE SAYS "LOOK AT YOUR SIGN. IT SAYS: I HAVE NO WORK, A WIFE AND 6 KIDS TO SUPPORT."

CARLOS LOOKS AT JOSE'S SIGN.

IT READS: "I ONLY NEED ANOTHER $10.00 TO MOVE BACK TO MY COUNTRY."

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oyasan
6/30/2007 7:30:00 AM
The Sandpiper
> by Robert Peterson
>
> She was six years old when I first met her on the beach near where I
live.
> I drive to this beach, a distance of three or four miles, whenever the
world
>
> begins to close in on me. She was building a sand castle or something

> and looked up, her eyes as blue as the sea.
>
> "Hello," she said.
>
> I answered with a nod, not really in the mood to bother with a small
child.
>
> "I'm building," she said.
>
> "I see that. What is it?" I asked, not really caring.
>
> "Oh , I don't know, I just like the feel of sand."
>
> That sounds good, I thought, and slipped off my shoes.
>
> A sandpiper glided by.
>
> "That's a joy," the child said.
>
> "It's a what?"
>
> "It's a joy. My mama says sandpipers come to bring us joy."
>
> The bird went gliding down the beach. Good-bye joy, I muttered to
myself,
> hello pain, and turned to walk on. I was depressed, my life seemed
> completely out of balance.
>
> "What's your name?" She wouldn't give up.
>
> "Robert," I answered. "I'm Robert Peterson."
>
> "Mine's Wendy... I'm six."
>
> "Hi, Wendy."
>
> She giggled. "You're funny," she said.
>
> In spite of my gloom, I laughed too and walked on.
> Her musical giggle followed me.
>
> "Come again, Mr. P," she called. "We'll have another happy day."
>
> The next few days consisted of a group of unruly Boy Scouts, PTA
meetings,
> and an ailing mother. The sun was shining one morning as I took my
hands
> out of the dishwater. I need a sandpiper, I said to myself,
gathering up my
> coat.
>
> The ever-changing balm of the seashore awaited me. The breeze was

> chilly but I strode along, trying to recapture the serenity I needed.

>
> "Hello, Mr. P," she said. " Do you want to play?"
>
> "What did you have in mind?" I asked, with a twinge of annoyance.
>
> "I don't know. You say."
>
> "How about charades?" I asked sarcastically.
>
> The tinkling laughter burst forth again. "I don't know what that is."

>
> "Then let's just walk."
>
> Looking at her, I noticed the delicate fairness of her face.
> "Where do you live?" I asked.
>
> "Over there." She pointed toward a row of summer cottages.
>
> Strange, I thought, in winter.
>
> "Where do you go to school?"
>
> "I don't go to school. Mommy says we're on vacation."
>
> She chattered little girl talk as we strolled up the beach, but my
mind was
> on other things. When I left for home, Wendy said it had been a happy
day.
>
> Feeling surprisingly better, I smiled at her and agreed.
>
> Three weeks later, I rushed to my beach in a state of near panic. I
was in no
> mood to even greet Wendy. I thought I saw her mother on the porch and
felt
> like demanding she keep her child at home.
>
> "Look, if you don't mind," I said crossly when Wendy caught up with
me,
> "I'd rather be alone today." She seemed unusually pale and out of
breath
>
> "Why?" she asked.
>
> I turned to her and shouted, "Because my mother died!" and thought,
> My God, why was I saying this to a little child?
>
> "Oh," she said quietly, "then this is a bad day."
>
> Yes," I said, "and yesterday and the day before and -- oh, go away!"

>
> "Did it hurt?" she inquired.
>
> "Did what hurt?" I was exasperated with her, with myself.
>
> "When she died?"
>
> "Of course it hurt!" I snapped, misunderstanding,
> wrapped up in myself. I strode off.
>
>
> A month or so after that, when I next went to the beach, she wasn't
there.
> Feeling guilty, ashamed, and admitting to myself I missed her, I went
up
> to the cottage after my walk and knocked at the door. A drawn looking

> young woman with honey-colored hair opened the door.
>
> "Hello," I said, "I'm Robert Peterson. I missed your little girl
today
> and wondered where she was."
>
> "Oh yes, Mr. Peterson, please come in. Wendy spoke of you so much.
> I'm afraid I allowed her to bother you. If she was a nuisance,
> please, accept my apologies."
>
> "Not at all -- she's a delightful child." I said, suddenly realizing

> that I meant what I had just said.
>
> "Wendy died last week, Mr. Peterson. She had leukemia.
> Maybe she didn't tell you."
>
> Struck dumb, I groped for a chair. I had to catch my breath.
>
> "She loved this beach, so when she asked to come, we couldn 't say
no.
> She seemed so much better here and had a lot of what she called happy
days.
>
> But the last few weeks, she declined rapidly..." Her voice faltered,
"She
> left something for you, if only I can find it. Could you wait a
moment while I
> look?"
>
> I nodded stupidly, my mind racing for something to say to this lovely
young
> woman. She handed me a smeared envelope with "MR. P" printed in bold

> childish letters. Inside was a drawing in bright crayon hues -- a
yellow
> beach, a blue sea, and a brown bird. Underneath was carefully
printed:
>
> A SANDPIPER TO BRING YOU JOY
>
>
> Tears welled up in my eyes, and a heart that had almost forgotten to
love
> opened wide. I took Wendy's mother in my arms. "I'm so sorry, I'm so
sorry,
> I'm so sorry," I uttered over and over, and we wept together The
precious
> little picture is framed now and hangs in my study.
>
> Six words -- one for each year of her life -- that speak to me of
harmony,
> courage, and undemanding love.
>
> A gift from a child with sea blue eyes and hair the color of sand
> -- who taught me the gift of love.
>
> _____
>
> NOTE: This is a true story sent out by Robert Peterson. It happened
over 20
> years ago and the incident changed his life forever.
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oyasan
7/1/2007 7:33:00 AM
George Carlin's Views on Aging
>
> Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old
>is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited
>about aging that you think in fractions.
>
> "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a
>half. You're four and a half, going on f ive! That's the key!!
>
> You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.
> You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
>
> "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're
>gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you BECOME 21.
>Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
>
> But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like
>bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're
>Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
>
> You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the
>brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your
>dreams are gone.
>
> But wait!!! You MAKE IT to 60. You didn't think you would!
>
> So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE IT to 60.
>
> You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a
>day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
>
> You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch;
>you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime and it doesn't end there. Into the 90s,
>you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
>
> Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a
>little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
>
> May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
>
> HOW TO STAY YOUNG
> 1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.
>Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them."
> < BR>2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
>
> 3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
>whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
>And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
>
> 4. Enjoy the simple things.
>
> 5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
>
> 6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who
>is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
>
> 7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets,
>keepsakes , music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
> Your home is your refuge.
>
> 8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,
>improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
>
> 9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next
>county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
>
> 10. Tell the peopl e you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
>
> AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
> Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the
>moments that take our breath away.
>

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Leo Beligan
7/1/2007 6:27:00 PM

another oldie...

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an
attractive woman he spotted dining alone. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own
in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to
return this to the woman.


It read:

"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a
Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty
million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."
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Leo Beligan
7/1/2007 8:40:00 PM
HOST: ilan taon na kayo, lolo? mananawagan ba kayo?
>
>LOLO: opo, 98 na po.
>
>HOST: wow, tanda nyo na pala, sige po manawagan na
>kayo.
>
>LOLO: kuya umuwi ka na. di na galit si daddy sayo.
>
>------------------
>
>Doc: Ano trabaho mo hija?
>Girl: Substitute po
>Doc: Hindi kaya prostitute?
>Girl: Hindi po, mama ko po ang prostitute at kung may
>sakit siya ako po yung substitute....
>
>------------------
>
>WIFE: Hon, paki-fix naman ilaw sa labas.
>
>HUSBAND: Hello?! Electrician ba 'ko?
>
>WIFE: Eh, di pakigawa na lang ng hagdan natin.
>
>HUSBAND: Hello?! Karpintero ba ako?
>
>(Umalis ang husband.. pagbalik nya,
>gawa na lahat ng sira sa bahay)
>
>HUSBAND: Sinong gumawa?
>
>WIFE: Kanina may isang lalaki na nakakita sa
>akin umiiyak. Sabi ko andaming sira dito sa
>bahay. Then he offered either SEX or mag-BAKE
>ng cake kapalit ng trabaho..
>
>HUSBAND: So, pinag-bake mo siya ng cake?
>
>WIFE: Hello?! Baker ba ako?
>
>--------------------------
>
>Bago mamatay si Mr. Wong ay isa-isa nyang tinawag ang
>kanyang pamilya.
>
>Mr. Wong: "Akyen junior 'ndyan ba?"
>
>Junior: "Dito po!"
>
>Mr. Wong: "Akyen panganay 'ndyan ba?"
>
>Panganay: "Dito po!"
>
>Mr. Wong: "Akyen anak na babae 'ndyan ba?"
>
>Anak: "Dito po!"
>
>"Akyen asawa 'ndyan ba?"
>
>Asawa: "Honey, andito ako!"
>
>Mr. Wong: "Walahiya! Dito kayo lahat! Wala tao
>tindahan!"
>
>
>----------------------------
>
>
>Most of these Japanese words are adopted by Filipino
>language.
>
>I'm warning you - makikitamo
>
>Where are we going? - San-batayo?
>
>Stewardees - Oto-san
>
>Is this your car? - Otomoto?
>
>This is my car - Otokoto
>
>Sugar daddy/mommy - Otooto
>
>Is this your property? - Arimoto?
>
>Yes, this is my property - Arikoto
>
>Is this yours? - Sayobato or sayoto?
>
>Is this mine? - Sakinbatu
>
>This is mine - Sakinitu
>
>Can I have it? - Akinato?
>
>You can have it - Sayonato
>
>Can we have it? - Saminato?
>
>You can have it - Sanyonato (plural)
>
>You haven't washed your face - Mimutamatamo
>
>You're so thin! - Kitanabutomo
>
>We saw each other - Kitakami
>
>We had reunion - Kitakitakami
>
>Have a drink before you go - Tomakamuna
>
>That was my assumption - Inakarako
>
>Let's go! - Bachinatayo!
>
>We will boycott the election - Dikamiboboto
>
>Underarm odor - Kirikiripawa
>
>Are you oppressed? - Minamatakaba?
>
>I give up - Sukonako
>
>Ouch! - Araiku!
>
>What life is this - Hainaku
>
>I'm going to leave you - Sawanakosayo
>
>Just take it! - Sayonarang!
>
>Skeleton - purobuto
>
>You look like your mom - kamukamumamamu
>
>You look like your dad - kamukamupapamu
>
>Ugly - kamukamu or kamukanya
>
>Pretty or handsome - kamukaku
>
>Full of monkey - kamukanyo
>
>Are you nervous? - kakabakabakaba?
>
>Are you a loyal customer? - sukikaba?
>
>Later - sakana
>
>I surrender - sukunako
>
>Just surrender - sukukanakasi
>
>Remember? - naaararamo?
>
>I remember - naaararako
>
>Go and work! - ararona!
>
>Can you see? - kitamoba?
>
>I told you - nakitamo?
>
>Let's go to your place - sanyotayo
>
>[di ba familiar ang japanese words From: Japayuks in
>Tokyo]
>
  Top   |  Bottom

oyasan
7/2/2007 1:51:00 PM
Thoughts to guide us by
By Elvie Punzalan-Estavillo
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
As we traverse the highway of life, unavoidably, we encounter twists and turns, humps and bumps. The ride sometimes is dizzingly fast, at other times grindingly slow. Even halting at times!

Take cover in our faith on the Almighty God — our infinite source of strength — when the ride is bumpy and gruelling.

And to lighten our load and ease our travel, spice it up by lots and lots of laughter. For laughter does us good like instant medicine — free and the best there is! It is an-easy-does-it therapy that can rev up our bodies, lift and sparkle our spirits, and buoy our hopes.

A light, happy heart prolongs life, and makes every day a great, happy day — for us and to people around us . . .

Peace and abundance to us all!!!

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Leo Beligan
7/2/2007 10:28:00 PM
Subject: I am a Father

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he
wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said. " I am a
Father." The little boy replied. "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like
that." The priest looked up from his book and answered. "I am the
Father of many." The boy said. "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two
grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way! The priest,
getting impatient, said. "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to
reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and "Maybe you should wear a condom and your pants backwards instead
of your collar
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Leo Beligan
7/3/2007 9:52:00 PM
WE NEED TO TAKE LESSONS FROM THE AUSTRAILIANS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia , as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks.



A day after a group of mainstream Muslim leaders pledged loyalty to Australia and her Queen at a special meeting with Prime Minister John Howard, he and his Ministers made it clear that extremists would face a crackdown. Treasurer Peter Costello, seen as heir apparent to Howard, hinted that some radical clerics could be asked to leave the country if they did not accept that Australia was a secular state, and its laws were made by parliament. "If those are not your values, if you want a country which has Sharia law or a theocratic s tate, then Australia is not for you", he said on National Television.



"I'd be saying to clerics who are teaching that there are two laws governing people in Australia : one the Australian law and another Islamic law, that is false. If you can't agree with parliamentary law, independent courts, democracy, and would prefer Sharia law and have the opportunity to go to another country, which practices it, perhaps, then, that's a better option", Costello said.



Asked whether he meant radical clerics would be forced to leave, he said those with dual citizenship could possibly be asked to move to the other country. Education Minister Brendan Nelson later told reporters that Muslims who did not want to accept local values should "clear off. Basically people who don't want to be Australians, and who don't want to live by Australian values and understand them, well then, they can basically clear off", he said.



Separately, Howard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques.



Quote: "IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali , we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians."



"However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the 'politically correct' crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others. I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to Australia . However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand. This idea of Australia being a multi-cultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. And as Australians, we have our own culture, our own socie ty, our own language and our own lifestyle."



"This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom"



"We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society .. Learn the language!"



"Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture."



"We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us."



"If the Southern Cross offends you, or you don't like "A Fair Go", then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from. By all means, keep your culture, but do not force it on others.



"This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, 'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'."



"If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted."



Maybe if we circulate this amongst ourselves, American citizens will find the backbone to start speaking and voicing the same truths !

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Leo Beligan
7/4/2007 8:05:00 AM
Subject: STOP COMPARING

STOP COMPARING
By Bo Sanchez

We live in a pathologically dissatisfied world. And I'm going to tell
you why. Because we love to compare. Go around the world and discover
that people aren't happy with their bodies.

Filipinos want to be fair-complexioned like Westerners, and so buy
bleaching stuff. Westerners want to own bronzed bodies like ours, and so
purchase tanning lotions.

Those with moles have them removed, while those who don't strategically
implant beauty spots.

Some people want to shed a few pounds to look like Ally McBeal, while
others want to gain some baby fat to look like Drew Barrymore.

When are we ever going to stop and simply be happy with how we look?
We live in a sick world. I tell you. And that sickness is
comparisonitis. Take a look at wealth. When we drive our old Toyota, it
really suits us fine. We feel blessed in fact when the rain pours
outside and we feel snug and cozy on its faded upholstered seats.

But the moment we see our own officemate (or neighbor, or buddy, or
cousin, or brother) drive his sleek sky-blue, four-door,
four-wheel-drive Rav4, we automatically feel like third class children
of God.
Next time we drive our bumpy, noisy, rusted, dilapidated Toyota (notice
how all the defects come out all of a sudden?), we feel deprived,
dispossessed, pariah, debased, and only a little higher than the insects
of the earth.

Listen carefully. Bill Gates' total assets are worth $60 billion.
That's more than the GNP of some small countries. Tiger Woods earns $80
million simply by smiling on TV in a Nike shirt. And the stars of the
sitcom Friends are paid $50,000 per episode! My point? No matter how
hard you work, there'll still be some people who will be richer than you
are.

And there'll be some people who will be more beautiful, have more sex
appeal, have more boyfriends/girlfrie nds, and have more problems.
Try it for once. Stop looking around. Don't compare!

Don't compare her nose with your nose.
Don't compare his wife with your wife.
Don't compare his salary with your salary.
Don't compare her breast size with your breast size.
Don't compare her kid's report card with your kid's report card.
Don't compare his prayer group with your prayer group.
Don't compare her/his cellulite deposits with your cellulite deposits.

Stop comparing and start living and you'll be happier with your life.

This is crucial: The most difficult thing in the world is to be who you
are not. Pretending and trying to be someone else is the official
pastime of the human race. (I don't think dogs and cats and cows and
horses have this problem).

And the easiest thing in the world is to be yourself.
Be happy. Live!

There must be a reason why God made you tall or short or fat or thin or
bumpy all over.

Love who you are!

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY ! ! !
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Leo Beligan
7/4/2007 11:09:00 PM
**The 1st Affair**
>> >
>> > A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
>> > One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
>> > Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM .
>> > The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside
>>
>> > and rub them in the grass and dirt.
>> > He put on his shoes and drove home.
>> >
>> > "Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
>> > "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my
>> > secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
>> > She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard!
>> > You've been playing golf!"
>> >
>> >
>> > *The 2nd Affair*
>> >
>> > A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked
>> > about having a son.
>> > They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
>> > The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful
>> > father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at
>> > the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way
>> > I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters
>> > I
>>
>> > fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
>> > The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
>> >
>> >
*The 3rd Affair
>> > *
>> > A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr.
>> > Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
>> > Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
>> > "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you
>> > to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved
>> > for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and
>> > took it home "I have something to show you, you won't believe," he
>> > said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
>> > "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
>> >
>> > *
The 4th Affair*
>> >
>> > A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
>> > the front door.
>> > "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
>> > She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
>> > "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
>> > "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
>> > "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it
>>
>> > so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went
>> > bed.
>> > Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with
>> > a sandwich and a beer.
>> > "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two
>> > days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
>> >
>> > *
The 5th Affair*
>> >
>> > A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
>> > "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
>> > He glanced at the menu and asked "How much for a nice juicy steak and
>> > a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?"
>> > exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The
>>bartender
>> > replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
>> > The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
>> > The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down
>>here."
>> >
>> > *
The 6th Affair*
>>
>>
>> > *Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said
>> > weakly: "I have something I must confess."
>> > "There's no need to, " his wife replied. "No," he insisted, * *"I
>> > want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her
>>
>> > best friend, and your mother!"
>> > "I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."*
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Leo Beligan
7/4/2007 11:11:00 PM
JOKE, JOKE, JOKE TIME!

Miriam Santiago is the model of a watch

to be made jointly by Japan 's Seiko and

French's Patek Philippe.

The brand name of the watch is "SEIKOPATEK".

PEDRO: Anong pulutan nyo kahapon sa birthday mo?

JUAN: Pata!

PEDRO: Wow! Anong klaseng pata?

JUAN; PATA galan ng kwento!



JINGGOY: Bakit ba maalat at may asin sa dagat?

PACQUIAO: Sinadya yan ni Lord para sa ganun hindi mapanis ang mga isda..



ADIK: Doc, grabe yung panaginip ko gabi gabi,

kasi lagi daw ako nanunuod ng basketball.

DOCTOR: Sige halika may gamot ako para dyan.

ADIK: Wag muna dok, championship game na mamaya eh!



AMO: Kelan lang tayo bumili ng toothpick,

bakit naubos agad?

MAID: Ewan ko po mam, kapag ako po ang

gumamit sinosoli ko naman ah!



TITSER: Ano ang PAST TENSE sa LABA?

BOY#1: Naglaba mam!

TITSER: Tama! Ano ang PRESENT TENSE?

BOY#2: Naglalaba!

TITSER: Tama! Ano naman ang FUTURE TENSE?

BOY#3: MAGSASAMPAY mam!



AMERICAN ENGLISH:

Eat All You Can,

don't be shy,

feel at home!

IN TAGALOG:

kain lang kayo ng kain,

walanghiya kayo,

pakiramdam nyo bahay nyo to!



ONLY IN THE PHILIPPINES :

1. Doctors go back to school to be nurses abroad.

2. Rats are normal house pets.

3. Soap opera is reality and news provide the dramas of life.

4. Actors make the rules and politicians provide the entertainment!




ENRIQUE ZOBEL: Half Filipino Half Spanish.

HENRY SY: Half Filipino Half Chinese.

JUAN FLAVIER: Half Filipino Half Igorot.

RAUL ROCO: Half Hawaiian Half Polo.

JOHN OSMENA: Half Filipino Half Filipina.

MIKE ARROYO: Half Filipino Half Pork.

AI AI DELAS ALAS: Half Filipino Half Moon.

GMA: Half...

TATAY: Bagsak ka na nman! Ba't di mo gayahin si Pedro?

Palaging may honor.

ANAK:Unfair naman kung ikumpara nyo ako kay Pedro.

TATAY: Bakit naman?

ANAK: Matalino tatay nun!



A song for our Honorable (DAW!) na

Congressmen and Senators,

Mayors and Governors:

"BOOM CORRUPT CORRUPT,

BOOM CORRUPT CORRUPT,

KURAKOT, KURAKOT,

BOOM BOOM BOOM!"




INTERVIEWER: Ano ang plano nyo sa mga homeless?

PACQUIAO: Marami, kaso may problema.

INTERVIEWER: Ano po yun?

PACQUIAO: Ang hirap nilang hanapin, kasi wala silang address.




MGA JOB TITLES NA DAPAT NANG PALITAN:

PRESIDENT- Pasimuno.

VICE PRESIDENT- Kunsitidor.

SECRETARY- Palsipikador.

TREASURER- Kubrador.

AUDITOR- Kasabwat.

PUBLIC RELATION OFFICER- Tsismoso.

REPRESENTATIVES- Pahamak.

SPOKESMAN- Bolero.

SGT-AT-ARMS- Tirador.

ADVISER- Taga sulsol.

(mas tama di bah?)



JUAN; Tay ! Penge P20 bibili ako ng de lata.

TATAY: Anak, mga taga bukid lang ang gumagamit ng term na de lata!

Englisin mo yan!

JUAN: Paano?

TATAY: KANG GUD!



PACQUIAO: Hello, I would like to inquire how long is the flight to San

Francisco ?

OPERATOR: Just a minute, Sir..

PACQUIAO: Really? Thank you..

PILITA CORRALES - Asia 's Queen of Song.

LANI MISALUCHA - Asia 's Nightingale.

REGINE VELASQUEZ - Asia 's Song Bird.

GLORIA MACAPAGAL ARROYO - "Mole of Asia "



SA RESTORAN...

CUSTOMER: Waitress! Ano ba 'tong binigay mo sa akin,

kape o tsaa? Lasang gas 'to ah!

WAITRESS: Kung yan ay lasang gas, Kape yan!

Ang tsaa kasi lasang pintura!

  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
7/5/2007 7:27:00 PM
Subject: Visa Application Ni Lolo
Date: Mon, 2 Jul 2007 12:58:25 +0800


This is a true story taken from one of the most read newspaper in the Philippines.

A 70-year old 'lolo' from the province was accompanied by a grandson to the US Embassy in Manila for his VISA interview.
The lolo spoke not a word of English so the grandson translated for him. The Consul told the young man to ask his grandfather why he wanted to go to the States.

"Bakit daw ho ninyo gustong pumunta sa Amerika?" The grandson translated.


"Sabihin mo gusto kong makita yung mga anak ko doon."


"He said he wants to see his children there."


Fair enough, that's what the lolo's application indicated.

The Consul had another question. "Ask him why does he have to go there? Why can't his children just come and visit him here?"


The grandson translated this in Tagalog.

Lolo replied: "Sabihin mo kasi dito pinanganak yung mga anak ko.
Nakita na nila ang Pilipinas. Gusto ko namang makita ang Amerika bago ako mamatay."


(Translation: "Tell him, my children were born here. They've seen the
Philippines already. I just want to see America before I die.")

The HEARTLESS Consul was unimpressed as he declared, devoid of any emotion, that he was rejecting the visa application "because the applicant was unable to speak any word of English."

"Reject daw yung visa ninyo kasi hindi daw kayo marunong mag-Ingles."

The lolo was equally unimpressed. "Sabihin mo ito sa kanya at huwag na huwag mong papalitan ang sasabihin ko:

"Putang ina niya, bakit siya nandidito eh hindi naman siya marunong mag-Tagalog!?"

Translated, "He said: You son of a bitch, how come you are here... you do not know how to speak in Tagalog!?"

Taken aback, sense of humor still intact, the consul relented and approved lolo's visa application in pronto.

(Taken from The Philippine Star (newspaper), written by Boo Chanco)

Go LoLo...Mabuhay ang Pinoy!!!
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Leo Beligan
7/6/2007 9:03:00 PM

1. Regine Velasquez
Before: Down-to-earth songbird.
After: Alien-like diva.

2. Bernard Palanca
Before: Lanky member of "The Hunks"
After: A pregnant chunk of lard

3. Kim Delos Santos
Before: The cute-as-marshmallow s love interest of Dino Guevarra
After: The Marshmallow Woman / battered wife of Dino Guevarra

4. Aiza Seguerra
Before: Prodigious little girl
After: Talented little boy

5. Angelica Panganiban
Before: Photogenic missy
After: Photoshopped hussy

6. Jackielou Blanco
Before: Jackielou Blanco
After: Jackie Lou Ferrigno

7. Rosanna Roces
Before: Outspoken attention-whore
After: Outsized carbohydrates- whore

8. Rachel Lobangco
Before: Dark-skinned, mustached Shh-Boom girl
After: Bleached and waxed bombshell

9. Rustom Padilla
Before: Fair-skinned matinee idol.
After: Emaciated fairy doll.

Baka meron pa kayong madagdag?

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Leo Beligan
7/7/2007 10:59:00 PM
Subject: Judgement Granted



One evening after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the street when they observed a well-dressed, attractive young lady walking just ahead of them. One turned to the other and said, "I'd give fifty bucks to spend the night with that woman." To their surprise, the woman turned and said, "I'll take you up on that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his friend goodnight the man accompanied the lady to her apartment, where they immediately went to bed.

The following morning the man presented her with twenty-five dollars as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give me the other twenty-five I'll sue for it." He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

The next day he was surprised when served with a summons ordering his presence in court as defendant, He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows:
"Your Honor, my client is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of fifty dollars. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises he paid only twenty-five dollars. The rent is not excessive since it was restricted property, and we ask judgment to be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way the case had been presented. His defense was therefore somewhat altered from what he had planned. "Your Honor, my client agrees the young lady has a fine piece of property, for a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft and erected a pump, all labor being personally performed by him. We claim these improvements to the property are sufficient to offset the unpaid balance, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We therefore ask that the judgment not be granted.

The young lady's lawyer's comeback was this: "Your Honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on the property, and he did make improvements such as described by my opponent; however, had the defendant not known the well existed, he would never have rented the property; also, on evacuating the premises, the defendant moved the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In so doing he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it accessible to little children. We therefore ask judgment be granted."

The Judge ruled in favor of the plaintiff.
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Leo Beligan
7/8/2007 2:41:00 PM
Subject: FW: Chicken

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that
they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he
noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.


He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said

"Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said.

"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are!

Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.

He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches,

I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you!

You've already got the neck and the gizzards!!!
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
7/10/2007 6:03:00 PM
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the

bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there

already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is"

Boy " I have a baseball."

Man "That's nice"

Boy "Want to buy it?"

Man "No, thanks"

Boy "My dad's outside..."

Man "O.K. - How much?"

Boy "$250"


< BR>In a few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in

the closet together.



"Boy "Dark in here"

Man ' Yes, it is."

Boy "I have a baseball glove"

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy "$750"

Man "Sold!"



A few days later the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go

outside and have a game of catch.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy " $ 1,000"



The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...

that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you

to church and make you confess."



They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the

confession booth and he closes the door.



The boy says, "Dark in here".

The priest says, "Don't start t hat shit again, you're in my closet now."
=
  Top   |  Bottom

Dick Santos Suguitan
7/11/2007 5:27:00 AM
Q:if you G a Circle what is the answer? if U G A O?
A: IFUGAO

Q: why an Ilokano and Batangeno never allowed to get married?
A: They are both male

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Leo Beligan
7/11/2007 7:00:00 PM
DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to
go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under
the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But,
whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I
REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just
as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman
go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain
himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
7/11/2007 11:08:00 PM
Work vs. Prison



Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.



@ PRISON
@ WORK

You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell
you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle

You get three meals a day fully paid for
you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

You get time off for good behavior
you get more work for good behavior

The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself

You can watch TV and play games
you could get fired for watching TV and playing games

You get your own toilet
you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat

They allow your family and friends to visit
you aren't even supposed to speak to your family

All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

You must deal with sadistic wardens
they are called managers

You can talk about Jesus, and even participate in Bible Studies
you'd better not talk about Jesus or bring a Bible if you want to keep your job!

THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!


Now get back to work.

You're not getting paid to check emails.

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Leo Beligan
7/11/2007 11:21:00 PM
Subject: Party Jokes



What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?" a wife said to her husband.
"Dear," he answered, "I was golfing with friends."
"What?" she countered, "Until two in the morning?"
"Yes," he said. "We used night clubs."
**
How does a blond turn on the lights after sex?"
She opens the car door.
**
A redneck died and left his entire estate in trust for his widow.
However, she can't touch it until she turns 14.
**
One afternoon a rich man was riding in his limousine when he saw a poor man and his family on
.the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.
"Sir," the rich man said, "collect your family and bring them into the limo. You can eat at my estate
.tonight, and you can have your fill."
"Thank you for your kindness," the father said as the family entered the car.
"Think nothing of it," the rich man said. "We haven't mowed the lawn in a month."
**
When I am gone I want you to marry our neighbor," a man said to his wife on his deathbed.
"Why our neighbor?" his wife asked . "You've hated him all your life."
"Still do," gasped the husband.

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Leo Beligan
7/11/2007 11:24:00 PM
Subject: Dear diary

Around before, but worth a second trip for a good laugh!







I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship.
I've packed all my pretty dresses and makeup. I'm really excited.
_______________________________________________

DEAR DIARY. DAY TWO

We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and
dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the
Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
_______________________________________________

DEAR DIARY. DAY THREE

I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and
hit some golf balls off the deck.
The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored
and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive
gentleman.
_______________________________________________

DEAR DIARY. DAY FOUR

Went to the ship's casino ... did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited
me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal
complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I
declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
_______________________________________________

DEAR DIARY. DAY FIVE

Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to
the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside . The Captain saw me and
bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again
asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if
I didn't come to his cabin for the night, he would sink the ship. I was
appalled.

_______________________________________________

DEAR DIARY. DAY SIX

I saved 1600 lives today... Twice
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MILIG
7/17/2007 6:42:00 AM
POSTED MWITHOUT PERMISSION FROM LJ


This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).

In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

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MILIG
7/17/2007 9:57:00 PM
PINOY CONTRACTOR"


Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.

One from the Philippines, another from Mexico and an American.

They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for
materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
"I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for

my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the
White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, " What? You didn't even measure like
the other guys! How did you come up with such a high

figure?" How do you expect me to consider your service with that bid?

"Easy," the Pinoy explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire
the guy from Mexico".

The next day, the Pinoy got the contract.
Q. What's the difference between corruption in the US and corruption in
the philippines ?

A. In the U.S. they go to jail.. In the Philippines , they go to the
U.S.
The three presidents in the Philippines

Q. What`s the difference among Cory, Gloria and Erap,

A. Cory can`t tell a lie

Gloria can`t tell the truth

Erap can`t tell the difference
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Leo Beligan
7/19/2007 5:59:00 AM
Dust if you Must

Dust if you must, but wouldn't it be better,
To paint a picture or write a letter,
Bake a cake or plant a seed,
Ponder the difference between want and need?



Dust if you must, but there's not much time,
With rivers to swim and mountains to climb,
Music to hear and books to read,
Friends to cherish and life to lead.



Dust if you must, but the world's out there
With the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair,
A flutter of snow, a shower of rain.
This day will not come around again.



Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
Old age will come and it's not kind.
And when you go and go you must,
You, yourself, will make more dust.
author unknown

A house becomes a home when
you can write "I love you" on the furniture.
PASS THE DUST TO
all the wonderful people in your life!
I JUST DID
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Leo Beligan
7/20/2007 7:26:00 AM
Last week, while traveling to Chicago on business, I noticed a Marine sergeant traveling with a folded flag, but did not put two and two to get her.

After we boarded our flight, I turned to the sergeant, who'd been invited to sit in First Class (across from me), and inquired if he was heading home .

No, he responded.

Heading out I asked?

No. I'm escorting a soldier home.

Going to pick him up?

No. He is with me right now. He was killed in Iraq , I'm taking him home to his family.

The realization of what he had been asked to do hit me like a punch to the gut. It was an honor for him. He told me that, although he didn't know the soldier, he had delivered the news of his passing to the soldier's family and felt as if he knew them after many conversations in so few days.

I turned back to him, extended my hand, and said, Thank you. Thank you for doing what you do so my family and I can do what we do.

Upon landing in Chicago the pilot stopped short of the gate and made the following announcement over the intercom.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to note that we have had the honor of having Sergeant Steeley of the United States Marine Corps join us on this flight. He is escorting a fallen comrade back home to his family. I ask that you please remain in your seats when we open the forward door to allow Sergeant Steeley to deplane and receive his fellow soldier. We will then turn off the seat belt sign."

Without a sound, all went as requested. I noticed the sergeant saluting the casket as it was brought off the plane, and his act ion made me realize that I am proud to be an American.

So here's a public Thank You to our military Men and Women for what you do so we can live the way we do.

Red Fridays.

Very soon, you will see a great many people wearing Red every Friday . The reason? Americans who support our troops used to be called the "silent majority." We are no longer silent, and are voicing our love for God, country and home in record breaking numbers. We are not organized, boisterous or overbearing.

Many Americans, like you, me and all our friends, simply w ant to recognize that the vast majority of America supports our troops. Our idea of showing solidarity and support for our troops with dignity and respect starts this Friday -- and continues each and every Friday until the troops all come home, sending a deafening message that ... every red-blooded American who supports our men and women afar, will wear something red.

By word of mouth, press, TV -- let's make the United States on every Friday a sea of red much like a homecoming football game in the bleachers. If every one of us who loves this country will share this with acquaintances, coworkers, friends, and family, it will not be long before the USA is covered in RED and it will let our troops know the once "silent" majority is on their side more than ever, certainly more than the media lets on.

The first thing a sol dier says when asked "What can we do to make things better for you?" is. "We need your support and your prayers." Let's get the word out and lead with class and dignity, by example, and wear some thing red every Friday.

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Leo Beligan
7/21/2007 6:23:00 AM
Subject: Fw: (Tanglad) Lemon Grass


Fresh lemon grass

While I was undergoing chemotherapy for ovarian cancer, my oncologist, Dr.
Cecilia Llave, suggested that I try tanglad (lemon grass) for a drink, a
tip she got from one of her patients.

That's what I have been doing the past three years. I don't know if tanglad
has something to do with it but so far I'm okay.

A few weeks ago, an article on the medicinal powers of tanglad went the
rounds of internet. There's no harm trying this. A bunch of tanglad is ten
centavos. Or you can plant it in your backyard for a steady supply.

The article is by Allison Kaplan Sommer:

"At first, Benny Zabidov, an Israeli agriculturalist
who grows greenhouses full of lush spices on a pastoral farm in Kfar
Yedidya
in the Sharon region, couldn't understand why so many cancer patients from
around the country were showing up on his doorstep asking for fresh lemon
grass.

"It turned out that their doctors had sent them.

"'They had been told to drink eight glasses of hot water with fresh
lemongrass steeped in it on the days that they went for their radiation and
chemotherapy treatments," Zabidov told ISRAEL21c. "And this is the place
you
go to in Israel for fresh lemon grass.'

"It all began when researchers at Ben Gurion University of the Negev
discovered last year that the lemon aroma in herbs like lemon grass kills
cancer cells in vitro, while leaving healthy cells unharmed.

"The research team was led by Dr. Rivka Ofir and Prof. Yakov
Weinstein, incumbent of the Albert Katz Chair in Cell-Differentiatio n and
Malignant Diseases, from the Department of Microbiology and Immunology at
BGU.

"Citral is the key component that gives the lemony aroma and taste in
several herbal plants such as lemon grass (Cymbopogon citratus), melissa
(Melissa officinalis) and verbena (Verbena officinalis. )

"According to Ofir, the study found that citral causes cancer cells to
'commit suicide: using apoptosis, a mechanism called programmed cell death.

"A drink with as little as one gram of lemon grass contains enough citral
to
prompt the cancer cells to commit suicide in the test tube.

"The BGU investigators checked the influence of the citral on
cancerous cells by adding them to both cancerous cells and normal cells
that
were grown in a petri dish. The quantity added in the concentrate was
equivalent to the amount contained in a cup of regular tea using one gram
of lemon herbs in hot water. While the citral killed the cancerous cells,
the normal cells remained unharmed.

"The findings were published in the scientific journal Planta Medica, which
highlights research on alternative and herbal remedies. Shortly afterwards,
the discovery was featured in the popular Israeli press.

"Why does it work? Nobody knows for certain, but the BGU scientists have a
theory.

"'In each cell in our body, there is a genetic program which causes
programmed cell death. When something goes wrong, the cells divide with no
control and become cancer cells. In normal cells, when the cell discovers
that the
control system is not operating correctly - for example, when it recognizes
that a cell contains faulty genetic material following cell division - it
triggers cell death," explains Weinstein. "This research may explain
the medical benefit of these herbs.'

"The success of their research led them to the conclusion that herbs
containing citral may be consumed as a preventative measure against certain
cancerous cells.

"As they learned of the BGU findings in the press, many physicians in
Israel
began to believe that while the research certainly needed to be explored
further, in the meantime it would be advisable for their patients, who were
looking for any possible tool to fight their condition, to try to harness
the cancer-destroying properties of citral.

"That's why Zabidov's farm - the only major grower of fresh lemon grass in
Israel - has become a pilgrimage destination for these patients. Luckily,
they found themselves in sympathetic hands. Zabidov greets visitors with a
large kettle of aromatic lemon grass tea, a plate of cookies, and a
supportive attitude.

"'My father died of cancer, and my wife's sister died young because of
cancer," said Zabidov. "So I understand what they are dealing with. And I
may not know anything about medicine, but I'm a good listener. And so they
tell me about their expensive painful treatments and what they've been
through. I would never tell them to stop being treated,
but it's great that they are exploring alternatives and drinking the lemon
grass tea as well."

"Zabidov knew from a young age that agriculture was his calling. At age 14,
he enrolled in the Kfar Hayarok Agricultural high school. After his army
service, he joined an idealistic group which headed south, in the Arava
desert region, to found a new moshav (agricultural settlement) called
Tsofar.

"'We were very successful; we raised fruits and vegetables, and," he notes
with a smile, "We raised some very nice children."

"On a trip to Europe in the mid-80s, he began to become interested in
herbs.


Israel , at the time, was nothing like the trend-conscious
cuisine-oriented country it is today, and the only spices being grown
commercially were basics like parsley, dill, and coriander.

"Wandering in the Paris market, looking at the variety of herbs and spices,
Zabidov realized that there was a great export potential in this niche. He
brought samples back home with him, "which was technically illegal," he
says
with a guilty smile, to see how they would grow in his desert greenhouses.

Soon, he was growing basil, oregano, tarragon, chives, sage, marjoram and
melissa, and mint just to name a few.

"His business began to outgrow his desert facilities, and so he decided to
move north, settling in the moshav of Kfar Yedidya, an hour and a half
north
of Tel Aviv. He is now selling "several hundred kilos" of lemon grass per
week, and has signed with a distributor to package and put it in health
food
stores.

"Zabidov has taken it upon himself to learn more about the properties of
citral, and help his customers learn more, and has invited medical experts
to his farm to give lectures about how the citral works and why.

"He also felt a responsibility to know what to tell his customers about its
see. 'When I realized what was happening, I picked up the phone and called
Dr. Weinstein at Ben-Gurion University , because these people were asking
me
exactly the best way to consume the citral. He said to put the loose grass
in hot water, and drink
about eight glasses each day.'

"Zabidov is pleased by the findings, not simply because it means business
for his farm, but because it might influence his own health. "Even before
the news of its benefits were demonstrated, he and his family had been
drinking lemon grass in hot water for years, 'just because it tastes
good.'"

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tabukol
7/21/2007 8:12:00 AM
Adda produkto iti Japan a powdered grass ngem nakanginngina, malaokan met laeng iti napudot a danum. (RAYUKEN)Agkaywara diay taltalon diay Pinas.
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
7/21/2007 11:00:00 AM
Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following
question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your
wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife,
and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
..................................................................

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
What does the law say about this situation?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway,
and what kind of message does
this send to society and to my children?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be
content just to wound me?
Should I call 9-1-1 ?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day
and make this happier, healthier street that would
discourage such behavior.
.................................................................


Republican's Answer:


BANG!
................................................................


Southerner's Answer: *

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?
Son: Can I shoot the next one!
Wife: You Ain't Taking That To The Taxidermist!
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Leo Beligan
7/22/2007 8:29:00 AM
50 Facts

1. Look at your zipper. See the initials YKK? It stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushibibaisha, the world's largest zipper manufacturer.

2. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

3. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.

4. 40 percent of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

5. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

6. On the average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.

7. Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.

8. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

9. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as a medicine.

10. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.

11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

12. There are no clocks inLas Vegas g@mbling casin0s.

13. Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

14. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow a film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.

15. The original name for the butterfly was "flutterby"!

16. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.

17. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors sothey don't know you're there.

18. Dentists recommend that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

19. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

20. The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

21. Michael Jordan makes moremoney from Nike annually than the entire Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

22. Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.

23. Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.

24. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

25. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that can be typed with only the left hand.

26. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, prick your fingers into its eyeballs. It will let you go instantly.


27. A mathematical wonder: 111,111,111 multiplied by 111,111,111 gives the result 12, 345, 678, 987, 654, 321.

28. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

29. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

30. The "pound" (#) key on your keyboard is called an octothorp.

31. The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.

32. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

33. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

34. "Dreamt" is the only word in the English language that ends in "mt".

35. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

36. In Chinese, the KFC slogan "finger lickin' good" comes out as "eat your fingers off".

37. A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head.

39. We shed 40 pounds of skin a lifetime.

40. Yo-Yos were once used as weapons in the Philippines .

41. Coca-Cola can be used as car oil.

42. Mexico City sinks abut 10 inches a year.

43. Brains are more active sleeping than watching TV.

44. Blue is the favorite color of 80 percent of Americans.

45. When a person shakes their head from side to side, he is saying "yes" in Sri Lanka .

46. There are more chickens than people in the world.

47. It's against the law in Iceland to have a dog.

48. The thumbnail grows the slowest, and the middle nail grows the fastest.

49. The only word in the English Language with all vowels in reverse order is "s ub c ont in ent al".

50. There are more telephones than people in Washington, D.C.
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apdo
5/31/2016 9:26:00 PM
komusta kayo amin
  Top   |  Bottom

abigail
6/13/2016 8:19:00 PM
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

The lizard climbs down the tree, walks thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says, "Duuuuuuuuuude.......how much water did you drink?!"
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abigail
6/13/2016 8:21:00 PM
The coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach", replied the boy.

"Do you understand that what matters is we win or lose as a team?"

The boy nodded in agreement.

The coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him insulting names. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the boy nodded yes.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach dumb, or stupid, or worse, is it?"

"No, coach."

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your Grandmother."
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cirenia
6/23/2016 7:28:00 AM
While visiting my 89-year-old grandfather in the hospital, a nurse came in to check his blood sugar. Before she started, the nurse examined his red fingertips that had been poked numerous times already and said, "Humm...which finger should we use this time that won't hurt too much?"

"Yours!" my grandfather replied.


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cirenia
6/23/2016 7:31:00 AM
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March."
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lintik
6/30/2016 7:02:00 AM
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."
"What are the three tests?" asks the man
"Gotta pay first."
So the guy gives him the $10, and the bartender adds it to the jar.
"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
"Well, I know I've paid my $10," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"
The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve. "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.
He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.
Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.
"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"


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abigail
7/20/2016 6:36:00 AM
Three men appear in court, on charges of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park. The judge asks the first defendant, "What were you doing?"

"Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond."

The judge asks the second gentleman, "And what were you doing?"

"I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too."

"Sounds harmless," says the judge. He turns to the third person, "And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?"

"No, sir. I AM Peanuts!"
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lintik
8/5/2016 6:49:00 AM
Realizing at the last minute that it was his father's birthday, a teenage boy rushed to the corner store to grab a card.

He quickly found a son-to-father card but neglected to read it carefully.

Later when his father opened his gifts, he was surprised to read aloud, "Happy birthday to a wonderful Dad. Now that I'm a father too . . ."
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lintik
8/5/2016 6:51:00 AM
A 60 year old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl.

After the honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage.

After a few drinks, the billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed the young hottie.

"It's simple" the billionaire boasts... "I faked my age"

"Yes, but even for a 40/45 year old guy.. .she is sensational, what age did you say you are?" A friend asks.

With a smile on his lips, the billionaire responds "85 years old"


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lintik
8/5/2016 6:54:00 AM
Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little Johnny in a professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little Johnny's mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking at it.

As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food-drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny's mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read, "Do not take with broccoli."


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apdo
8/13/2016 7:09:00 AM
Two drunk farmers are helping each other home late one night, staggering down the railroad tracks. After about half a mile, Vern declares with some annoyance, "Shoot, this sure is a long staircase!"

At that Chet slurs back, "Well, it ain't the stairs that're botherin' me so much as these stink'in low handrails."
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cirenia
8/26/2016 5:53:00 PM
What is wrong with these answers?
Q: In which battle did Napoleon die?
A: His last battle
Q: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
A: At the bottom of the page
Q: River Ravi flows in which state?
A: Liquid
Q: What is the main reason for divorce?
A: Marriage
Q: What can you never eat for breakfast?
A: Lunch and dinner
Q: What looks like half an apple?
A: The other half
Q: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
A: Wet
Q: How can a man go 8 days without sleeping?
A: No problem. He sleeps at night.
Q: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A: You will never find an elephant that only has one hand.
Q: If you had 3 apples and 4 oranges in one hand and 4 apples and 3 oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A: Very large hands
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abigail
9/1/2016 8:02:00 PM
Forgiveness
A certain pastor was fond of spending his "quiet time" on the golf course. "It is a splendid place to meditate," he said. He became such a good golfer that he decided to enter the local tournament.
When his turn came to begin the opening round, he confidently placed his golf ball on the tee, got his club into position, began his swing and, at that crucial moment, the caddy sneezed. Totally distracted, the pastor topped the ball miserably and it dribbled only a few feet from the tee.
He clenched his fist and bit his lip and glared at the embarrassed caddy, but he didn't speak. Whereupon, his opponent said to him, "Reverend, that is the most profane silence I have ever heard."
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abigail
9/10/2016 9:07:00 AM
A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
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cirenia
9/25/2016 11:05:00 AM
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.


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abigail
10/12/2016 5:33:00 AM
You know a mother once told her ambitious wall street son, "Money will not make you happy."

"That's true mom, but it will make you miserable in a better environment."
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abigail
10/12/2016 5:34:00 AM
I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, 'Thanks for putting up with me so long.'

When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.

"Just where do you think you going?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" I said.

She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: "Thanks for putting up with me. So long."
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Leo Beligan
10/24/2016 6:43:00 PM
I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation. Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.

"That," he sighed, "must be her checking out now."


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apdo
11/9/2016 9:18:00 PM
The college teacher noticed that his exchange student, André, suddenly had started attracting a lot of female attention.

So, one day he asks André about his secret. André replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the college teacher gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:
"Is that you, André?".
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lintik
1/2/2017 8:05:00 AM
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
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lintik
3/16/2017 3:38:00 PM
Sex Lives
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, “I think my husband’s like a championship golfer. He’s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.”
The second woman said, “My husband’s like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he is good for several hundred exciting laps.”
The third woman was silent until she was asked, “Tell us about your husband.”
She thought for a moment and said, “My husband’s like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler.”
“How so?”
“He’s got his time down to under 40 seconds.”
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apdo
3/29/2017 7:55:00 AM
A tightwad was convinced by a friend to buy a couple of lottery tickets. But after he won the big prize he didn't seem happy.

"What's wrong?" the friend asked. "You just became a millionaire!"

"I know," he groaned, "But I can't imagine why I bought that second ticket!"


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lintik
4/1/2017 4:10:00 PM
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300."
"Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That's the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
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Leo Beligan
5/9/2017 8:18:00 PM
Below is a message from famous novelist ?? (YANG JIANG)written at age of 103, who passed away at age 105 on May 2016:
*Be Kind to Twilight Years*
Seasons after seasons, we are unknowingly approaching our twilight years.
From the first cry on coming to earth till the hair turns grey, the baggage of our journey through life is filled with bitterness and sweetness as well as ups and downs.
How far we walk on the path of our twilight years will depend on our physical, mental and spiritual condition.
Life's glory and splendor are behind us and we are now just going through the daily chores of keeping life going.
Once we yearned for a glamorous life, now we realize the most wonderful and romantic scenery in life are moments of tranquility.
Do not anxiously expect visits from our children. They have their own lives to live; they are like tops being spun continuously, sandwiched between young and old. Old is dusk, young is dawn. We are all concerned and have high expectations for the young: this is nature's law. It is a human race survival cycle and no one can defy it.
Please remember: our children are always more busy than us.
In life whether it is husband and wife or parents and children , no matter how harmonious and how close they are, each one is unique and an independent entity.
Therefore we need to learn to cope with loneliness by finding ways to console and cheer ourselves up when feeling lonely.
In reaching our golden age, we have our self esteem and graciousness just like the cycle of four seasons, each has its grace and beauty. Smile & enjoy each phase of life.
Twilight years is the beginning of goodness in life. It is easy going, peaceful, unhurried and joyful. We have to maintain peace, expect less, be more inclusive and forgiving, do not over react when receiving attention or when we are ignored. To stay or to go does not matter anymore. Keep smiling while moving ahead each day and be kind to ourselves.
Being honest and sincere will make friendships last.
Do not expect a return on what you have given to others. After all, making others happy is life's greatest achievement.
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Leo Beligan
6/4/2017 10:47:00 PM
A guy goes to the doctor: “Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking in my right eye that I just can’t control.”

Doctor: “Ah come on, it’s not so bad as you think.”

Guy: “Oh, you think?! Every time I go to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!”



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abigail
6/14/2017 6:56:00 AM
Through his portrayal in Plato's dialogues, Socrates has become renowned for his contribution to the field of ethics, and it is this Platonic Socrates who lends his name to the concepts of Socratic irony and the Socratic method, or elenchus. The latter remains a commonly used tool in a wide range of discussions, and is a type of pedagogy in which a series of questions is asked not only to draw individual answers, but also to encourage fundamental insight into the issue at hand. Plato's Socrates also made important and lasting contributions to the field of epistemology, and the influence of his ideas and approach remains a strong foundation for much western philosophy that followed.

Let us remember his wisdom by reading 24 famous quotes of his:

1) “The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.”

2) “The unexamined life is not worth living.”

3) “There is only one good, knowledge, and one evil, ignorance.”

4) “I cannot teach anybody anything. I can only make them think”




5) “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

6) “Strong minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, weak minds discuss people.”

7) “By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”

8) “He who is not contented with what he has, would not be contented with what he would like to have.”

9) “If you don't get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don't want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can't hold on to it forever. Your mind is your predicament. It wants to be free of change. Free of pain, free of the obligations of life and death. But change is law and no amount of pretending will alter that reality.”

10) “Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”

11) “Wonder is the beginning of wisdom.”

12) “To find yourself, think for yourself.”

13) “Education is the kindling of a flame, not the filling of a vessel.”

14) “Know thyself.”

15) “Let him who would move the world first move himself.”

16) “The secret of happiness, you see, is not found in seeking more, but in developing the capacity to enjoy less.”

17) “The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”

18) “I am not an Athenian or a Greek, but a citizen of the world.”

19) “Prefer knowledge to wealth, for the one is transitory, the other perpetual.”

20) “understanding a question is half an answer”

21) “True wisdom comes to each of us when we realize how little we understand about life, ourselves, and the world around us”

22) “He is richest who is content with the least, for content is the wealth of nature.”

23) “To be is to do”

24) “The mind is everything; what you think you become”

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John Lennon's "Imagine", made into a beautiful comic.
8 Great Philosophical Questions That We’ll Never Solve
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lintik
7/8/2017 7:47:00 PM
We should all love our bodies for what they are. However, when you encounter unexpected bodily features, they might take some time getting used to…
A nurse asks a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown before getting examined by the doctor.
“In front of you?” he asked shyly.
The nurse said, “Don’t worry, I’ve seen plenty of naked bodies before.”
The patient replied, “Not one like mine. You’d die laughing at my naked body.”
“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the nurse to the patient, “I’m a professional. In over twenty years, I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“Okay then,” said the patient, slowly undressing. First he unbuttoned his shirt, took off his pants, and with a sigh pulled down his underwear. In front of the nurse stood a huge naked male body with the smallest male organ that the nurse had ever seen in her life.
It was almost identical to a AAA battery in length and width.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
When she realized that she was laughing, she felt very bad for laughing at the patient’s private parts, and composed herself as well as she could.
“I am so sorry,” the nurse said, “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse, I promise that it won’t happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s swollen,” the patient replied.
The nurse ran out of the room.
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lintik
7/8/2017 7:48:00 PM
Steven and Sarah got married, and in the beginning everything was sunshine and rainbows. However, after a couple of months the novelty had worn off, and they had settled into their new everyday lives.
The young couple decided to save up a bit for a rainy day. They still wanted to do fun things though, but is there really any way to combine saving and leisure?
One day they came up with an idea – each time they had a play in bed, they would put a $20 bill into a piggy bank.
They put the plan in motion and followed that procedure for about a year. After that time, they decided that there was enough money for their dream vacation and broke open the piggy bank.
Steven looked at their savings and said, “Isn’t this strange? Each time we had a play, I put in $20, but there are tons of $50 bills and a few $100 bills in here.”
Sarah replied, “Well, not everybody is as cheap as you are!”
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apdo
8/16/2017 8:38:00 PM
From Tony Halaguena
?? *FOOD FOR THOUGHT* ????
```1. ??No matter how beautiful and handsome you are just remember Baboons and Gorillas also attract tourists .
?Stop Boasting?
2.??No matter how big and strong you are, you will not carry yourself to your Grave .
?Be Humble?
3.??No matter how tall you are, you can never see tomorrow.
?Be Patient?
4.??No matter how Light Skinned you are, you will always need light in Darkness ?Take Caution ?
5.??No matter how Rich and many Cars you have, you will always Walk to Bed
?Be Contented?
Take Life Easy, Life is short.
WHAT A LIFE WE LIVE!
Have you taken note of the CO-INCIDENCE OF LIFE:
1. CHURCH has 6 letters so does MOSQUE.
2. BIBLE has 5 letters so does QURAN.
3. LIFE has 4 letters so does DEAD.
4. HATE has 4 letters, so does LOVE.
5. ENEMIES has 7 letters, so does FRIENDS.
6. LYING has 5 letters, so does TRUTH.
7. HURT has 4 letters, so does HEAL.
8. NEGATIVE has 8 letters, so does POSITIVE.
9. FAILURE has 7 letters, so does SUCCESS.
10. BELOW has 5 letters, so does ABOVE.
11. CRY has 3 letters so does JOY.
12. ANGER has 5 letters, so does HAPPY.
13. RIGHT has 5 letters, so does WRONG.
14. RICH has 4 letters, so does POOR.
15. FAIL has 4 letters, so does PASS.
16. KNOWLEDGE has 9 letters, so does IGNORANCE.
Are they all by Coincidence? We should choose wisely, this means LIFE is like a double-edged sword.
If you think it is your alarm clock that woke you up this morning, try putting it beside a dead body and you will realise that it is the grace of God that woke you up.
If you are grateful to God, forward this to all your friends to inform them that it is JUST BY THE GRACE OF GOD that we are alive.
NOTE: If this has blessed you and you want to bless someone else, please share!```
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cirenia
8/29/2017 10:16:00 PM
A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
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cirenia
8/29/2017 10:17:00 PM
A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."


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abigail
10/1/2017 9:52:00 AM
15 Ways to Keep
a Relationship Working... .
1. Love each other
2. Don’t lie
3. Keep communication open
4. Stay sweet
5. When you get hurt,
focus on forgiving
6. Never talk about break-ups
7. Never say ‘it’s ok’
when it’s not
8. Learn to put
your ego aside
9. If you say ‘sorry,' mean it
10. Don’t compare your
past with your present
11. Don’t talk about your ex’s
12. Practice 'give and take
13. Be aware of your partner’s feelings
14. After a fight,
work on resolving
the issue right away;
don’t let the days go by
15. Although there is no ‘perfect person’ out there,
There IS a ‘right one’ for u.
<3 <3
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abigail
10/1/2017 9:58:00 AM
Bringing back
INGLESERA SA KANTO
and her letter:
We' ve been friends for a long time ago.
We come from the same alma mother.
Actually,
our paths crossed one time on another.
But it's only now that
I gave him a second look.
I realized that beauty
is in the eyes.
The pulpbits of my heart went fast,
really fast.
Cute pala siya.
And then, he came over with me.
He said,
"I hope you don't mine.
Can I get your number?"
Nag-worry ako.
What if he doesn't give it back?
He explained naman na
it's so we could keep intact daw.
Sabi ko,
"Connect me if I'm wrong,
but are you asking me ouch?"
"The!?!!??". ..
ang sarcastic na sagot nya.
Aba! The verb!
Parang siya pa ang galit!
Persona ingrata!!!
Ang kapal niya!
I cried buckles of tears.
Na-guilty yata siya.
Sabi niya, isipin mo na lang na
this is a blessing in the sky.
Irregardless daw of his feelings,
we should go ouch na rin.
Now, we're so in love.
Mute and epidemic na ang past.
Thanks God we swallowed our fried.
Kasi,
I'm 33 na and I'm running our time.
After 2 weeks,
he plopped the question.
"Will you marriage me?"
I'm in a state of shocked.
Kasi mantakin mo,
when it rains, it's four!
This is true good to be true.
So siyempre, I said yes.
Love is a many splendor.
Pero nung inaayos ko na
ang aming kasal,
everything swell to pieces.
Nag-di-dinner kami noon
nang biglang sa harap ng aming table,
may babaeng humirit ng,
"Well, well, well.
Look do we have here."
What the fuss!
The nerd ng babaeng yon!
She said they were still on.
So I told her,
whatever is that,
cut me some slacks!
I didn't want this to
get our hand kaya
I had to sip it in the bud.
She accused me of
steeling her boyfriend.
As is!!!
I don't want to portrait
the role of the other woman.
Gosh, tell me to the marines!
I told her,
"Please,
mine you own business!"
Who would believe her anyway?
Dahil it's not my problem anymore
but her problem anymore,
tumigil na rin siya ng panggugulo.
Everything is coming up daisies.
I'm so happy.
Even my boyfriend
said liketwice.
He's so supportive. Sabi niya,
"Look at is this way.
She's our of our lives."
Kaya advise ko sa inyo
- take the risk.
You can never can tell.
Just burn the bridge
when you get there.
Life is shorts.
If you make a mistake,
we'll just pray for the
internal and external
repose of your soul.
I second emotion.
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abigail
10/1/2017 9:59:00 AM
BABAE: Delete mo friend request ng babaeng 'yan. Ayoko siya.
LALAKI: O sige baby.
BABAE: Uwi na agad, huwag ka ng gumala.
LALAKI: Opo baby.
BABAE: Ang sarap ng sandwich na ginawa ko no?
LALAKI: Naman, baby! Sarap.
BABAE: Huwag na huwag kitang mahuhuling nakikipag-text sa ibang babae, yari ka talaga.
LALAKI: Syempre ikaw lang ang textmate ko baby.
-----
LALAKI: Ayoko sa lalaking 'yan. Delete mo friend request niya.
BABAE: Sus! Nakikipagkaibigan lang naman yung tao.
LALAKI: Uwi na agad! Huwag ka ng
gumala.
BABAE: Sandali lang naman. And besides, kasama ko naman sina Christy, Jenny, Martha (and the list goes on)
LALAKI: Ang sarap ng prinepare kong sandwich no?
BABAE: Bakit may kamatis at sibuyas alam mo namang hindi ako kumakain noon. Tss.
LALAKI: Huwag kang nakikipagtext sa ibang lalaki ha?
BABAE: Ano na naman ba yon? Ikaw lahat na lang pinagseselosan mo.
Sino nakarelate???
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cirenia
10/27/2017 6:14:00 PM
ARABIC – shukran
CATALAN – gràcies (GRAH-syuhs)
CANTONESE – M`h’goi
DANISH – tak (tahg)
DUTCH – dank u
FINNISH – kiitos (KEE-tohss)
FRENCH – merci
GERMAN – danke
GREEK – e??a??st?
(ef-hah-rees-TOH)
HAWAIIAN – mahalo (ma-HA-lo)
HEBREW – .???? / todah (toh-DAH)
HINDI – dhanyavad / shukriya
HUNGARIAN – köszönöm
(KØ-sø-nøm)
ICELANDIC – takk (tahk)
INDONESIAN – terima kasih. (tuh-REE-mah KAH-see)
ITALIAN – grazie (GRAHT-tsyeh)
JAPANESE – arigatô
(ah-ree-GAH-toh)
KOREAN – ????? (gamsahamnida)
LEBANESE – choukrane
MALAY – terima kasih (TREE-muh KAH-seh)
MANDARIN – Xièxiè
MONGOLIAN – ????????? (bayarlalaa)
NORWEGIAN – takk
POLISH – dziekuje (Jenkoo-yen)
ROMANIAN – multumesc
(mool-tzoo-MESK)
RUSSIAN – ??????? (spuh-SEE-buh)
SPANISH – gracias (GRAH-syahs)
SWEDISH – tack
TAMIL – nandri
THAI – kop khun
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nenita bautista torqueza
11/29/2017 6:10:00 AM
Generosity
An elderly man bought a lottery ticket and gave it to his wife for safe-keeping. When the winning numbers were announced, she was the first to know that he had won two million dollars. But she decided not to tell him immediately since he had a bad heart and she feared he might drop dead from the shock.
Consequently, she asked their pastor to break the news to him, gently. When the pastor met with the big winner, he engaged him in small talk for a while.
Finally, as casually as possible, he asked, "What would you do if you were ever to win a couple of million dollars?"
Without hesitation the man replied, "I'd give half to the Church!" Whereupon, the pastor dropped dead.
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nenita bautista torqueza
11/29/2017 6:21:00 AM
The two jewels
A deeply religious Rabbi lived happily with his family, an admirable woman and two dear sons. One time, he had to be away from home for several days due to work. When he was away, a serious car accident killed his two boys.
Alone, the mother suffered in silence. But being a strong woman, backed up by her faith and trust in God, she endured the shock with dignity and bravery. However, she constantly worried how she was going to break this sad news to her husband. Even though he was a man of faith, he had already been admitted to the hospital for cardiac problems in the past and his wife feared that learning about the tragedy would kill him too.
On the eve of her husband’s arrival, she prayed earnestly and was given the grace of an answer.
On the following day, the Rabbi returned home, embraced his wife warmly and asked for their sons.
His wife told him not to worry about that, he should take a shower and rest.
Hours later, both of them sat down to have lunch. She asked him for details about his journey, he told her about everything he had experienced, spoke of God’s mercy, but asked about the boys again.
His wife, in a quiet embarrassed posture, answered her husband, “Leave them alone, we’ll worry about them later. First I want you to help me solve a problem I consider serious.”
Her husband, already worried, asked, “What happened? I noticed you are worn! Tell me everything that goes through your soul and I am sure we will solve any problem together, with the help of God.”
“While you were away, a friend of ours visited me and left two jewels of incalculable worth for us to save. Those are very precious jewels! I have never seen something so stunning! He is coming to get them back and I don’t want to give them back to him as I have already taken a liking to them. What do you say?”
“Well now, woman! I don’t understand you! Vanities have never appealed to you!”
“It is that I had never seen such jewels! I can’t accept the idea of losing them forever!”
And the Rabbi answered:
“No one loses what he doesn’t own. Keeping them would be like stealing! We are going to return them and I will help you get over them. We will do that together, today.”
“Very well, my dear, as you wish. The treasure will be returned. In truth, that has already been done. The precious jewels were our sons. God trusted us their guard and during your trip he came to get them. They are gone…”
The Rabbi embraced his wife, and together they shed many tears, but he had understood the message and from that day on they fought to overcome the loss together.
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abigail
12/31/2017 7:05:00 AM
A man was driving down the highway late one night when his mini-van broke down. He turned on his flashers and tried to get someone's attention to help him. Eventually a Lamburgini Countash pulls up.

"Any chance I could get a lift into town?" said the mini-van driver.

"I can do better than that," the man driving the Countash replied. "I've got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to the nearest town, no problem. Just honk your horn and flash your lights if I start going too fast."

They head off down the road and eventually come to a stop light and up pulls a Farrari F40 with a V-10. The F40 began to rev it's engine to get the Countash to race. The Countash rev's its engine and the light turns green. They fly out of there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a speed trap.

The officer there watches them pass and radios to base saying, "Base, you will not believe what I just saw. A F40 and a Countash were driving down the road doing about 120 with a Mini-van honking it's horn and flashing it's lights trying to pass them!"
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cirenia
1/25/2018 9:16:00 PM
One of my students could not take my college seminar final exam because of a funeral.

"No problem," I told him. "Make it up the following week." That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.

"You'll have to take the test early next week," I insisted. "I can't keep postponing it."

"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he told me.

By now I was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?" I asked.

"I don't know any of these people," he said. "But I'm the only gravedigger in town."
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lintik
2/2/2018 3:41:00 PM
Both Sides of the Law

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.

The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”

“How should I know?” the man answers, “I’m not a lawyer!”
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abigail
2/10/2018 7:17:00 AM
An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to his Doctor's office. "Doctor Kaine, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you Howard," Doctor Kaine said, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications.

"Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over." "Great," said Howard, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later Howard, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" "I don't understand how that could be," said Dr. Kaine, shaking her head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered Howard wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"
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abigail
2/10/2018 7:18:00 AM
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."
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lintik
4/24/2018 8:43:00 PM
Wealth, Loneliness

An extremely wealthy man, reflecting on his business career and the life it brought him, said,

"If you go into the business world with the idea of satisfying all your needs and wants, your greed will erect for you not a soul-satisfying empire but a cage. And you become a prisoner of the monster you yourself created. And let me tell you, it's lonely!"
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lintik
4/24/2018 8:44:00 PM
Money

A very wealthy man invited his four married daughters to dinner. "I'm getting on in years," he said to them, "and I've lived a full life for which I'm grateful. But I continue to be disappointed that none of you has given me a grandchild. Tomorrow I'm adding a provision to my will. It will state that the first of you who presents me with a grandchild will receive an extra bonus of one million dollars.

Now, let us bow our heads and say Grace." Then he closed his eyes, bowed his head, and said a short prayer. When he opened his eyes and looked up -- everyone was gone!

..........We can relate with that situation. Money is a powerful incentive for just about all of us. And that's not all bad. Money has its uses; it can be a healthy incentive. But it is bad when it becomes an obsession.
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lintik
4/24/2018 8:45:00 PM
Authority

Once upon a time a government surveyor brought his equipment to a farm, called on the farmer, and asked permission to go into one of the fields and take readings. The farmer objected, fearing that the survey was the first step toward construction of a highway through his land. "I will not give you permission to go into my fields," said the farmer.

Whereupon, the surveyor produced an official government document which authorized him to do the survey. "I have the authority," he said, "to enter any field in the entire country to take necessary readings."

Faced with such authority, the farmer opened the gate and allowed the surveyor to enter the field. The farmer then went to the far end of the field and opened another gate, through which one of his fiercest bulls came charging.

Seeing the bull, the surveyor dropped his equipment and began to run for his life. And he could hear the farmer triumphantly shouting after him,"Show him the paper, show him your authority."
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nenita bautista torqueza
5/17/2018 7:41:00 AM
As a sergeant in a parachute regiment, I took part in several night-time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a lieutenant fresh from jump school.

He was quiet and looked a bit pale, so I struck up a conversation. "Scared, lieutenant?" I asked.

He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."

I asked, "What's the difference?"

He replied, "That means I'm scared, but with a university education."
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MILIG
6/15/2018 10:55:00 AM
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.
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cirenia
7/10/2018 9:44:00 AM
All my husband wanted was to pay for some batteries, but none of the clerks in the electronics store seemed interested in helping him.

"I've got an idea," I said, and pulled a tape measure out of my purse. I stepped over to one of the giant plasma-screen TVs and started to measure it.

Faster than you can say high definition, a young man came running over. "May I help you?" he asked breathlessly.

"Yes," I said. "I'd like to buy these batteries."
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lintik
7/26/2018 11:45:00 PM
Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

Another patient asked, "How do you know?"

The first inmate said, "Because God told me!"

Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"


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cirenia
8/8/2018 7:36:00 AM
A minister stood in front of his congregation and announced, "I have good news and bad news.

The good news is we have enough money to pay for our new building program.

The bad news is that it’s still in your pockets.”
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cirenia
8/8/2018 7:56:00 AM
Mommy, Mommy Alam mo sa klase namin kanina Ako Lang Ang nakasagot sa klase namin sa tanong ng titser na napakadali sagutin.
Bakit anak ano ba Ang tanong?
Sino Ang walang assignment?
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apdo
8/8/2018 8:25:00 AM
Recently while we were eating lunch after church one Sunday, my youngest son asked me what the highest number I had ever counted up to was.

I said I didn't know. Then I asked him how high he has counted.

"5,372," came the prompt reply.

"Oh," I said. "Why did you stop there?"

"The sermon was over."
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abigail
8/28/2018 8:00:00 AM
A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesman back in Omaha."

The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?� The kid responds, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.

How much was the sale for?"

"$101,237.65."

"$101,237.65? Holy Mother Mary! What did you sell to him?"

"First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4x4 truck with all the bells and whistles."

"A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!"

"No, the guy came in here to buy feminine products for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.'"
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cirenia
9/14/2018 9:06:00 PM
My father's hearing aid occasionally emits a brief high-pitched squeal that can be heard by anyone near him.

One day my little niece was sitting on his lap when the device started to beep. Surprised, my niece looked up at him. "Grandpa," she said, "you've got mail."
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apdo
9/26/2018 8:32:00 AM
Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business?

Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.
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apdo
10/10/2018 6:20:00 PM
Lisa was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind her was starting to pile up. The guy in the car directly behind her was honking his horn continuously as Lisa continued to try getting the car to start up again.

Finally Lisa got out of her car and approached the guy in the car behind her. "I can't seem to get my car started," Lisa said, smiling. "Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me? I'll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you."
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apdo
10/10/2018 6:21:00 PM
Three guys are fishing on a lake when an angel appears in the boat with them. The first guy gets over his shock and humbly says to the angel, "I've suffered from back pain for years. Is it too much to ask that you help me?" The angel touches the man's back, and he feels instant relief.

The second guy points to his Coke-bottle glasses and asks if the angel could cure his poor eyesight. The angel tosses the man's glasses into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's vision clears, and he can see everything distinctly.

The angel now turns to the third guy, who throws up his hands in fear. "Don't touch me!" he cries. "I'm on disability!"
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Leo Beligan
10/23/2018 9:54:00 PM
The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.

Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful - so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing."

The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man add, "Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!"
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Leo Beligan
10/23/2018 9:55:00 PM
I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way I had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.

I ignored my wife's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but I didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted, and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.

She looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation.

"That's okay, honey," I said. "You still have me."

She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "Yes," she wailed, "but you don't work either!"
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nenita bautista torqueza
11/1/2018 8:18:00 AM
Halloween 2018 jokes

What plants like Halloween the most?
Bam-BOO!

What do birds say on Halloween?
Twick or tweet

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.

What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand-witch!

Why didn’t the skeleton like the Halloween candy?
He didn’t have the stomach for it!

What’s worse than being a five-ton witch on Halloween?
Being her broom!

Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators?
It raises their spirits.

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.

What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?
Lots of blood tests!

Why are vampires so easy to fool?
Because they’re suckers.

What did the ghost say when the skeleton lied to him?
I can see right through you.
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abigail
11/1/2018 8:20:00 AM
Two Difficult Things

Two things are very difficult to achieve!!!

1. To plant your ideas in someone else's head.
2. To put someone else's money in your own pocket.

The one who succeeds in the first one is called a TEACHER.
And the second is called a BUSINESSMAN.

The one who succeeds in both is called a WIFE.

The one who fails in both is called a HUSBAND!!!
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lintik
11/1/2018 8:22:00 AM
Improvements in Hell

An electrical engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" we got them all here!
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nenita bautista torqueza
11/8/2018 5:57:00 PM
The Three Wise Men

I am wondering why they now call the three Magi, the three wise men who came to the site of Jesus' birth, as the Three Kings?

In our Religion class, we were told they were wise men, though they were also called "kings". But today, they are simply referred to as "kings".

The three men who came were just wise men. They were men who knew how to read the stars, astrologers at least. They determined that a great man will be born or was then born, one who will "King" of the world. So much was their certainty that they brought gifts of great worth, fit for a king.

Much would have been their surprise ,I could imagine, when the star led them to a baby in swaddling clothes. Also, the manger could not ba a king's castle. I could picture the three wise men conferring, asking each other whether they have read the star's message well. Could they have misread the alignment ofnthe stars? Could they have made a mistake in following the stars?

Yet their wisdom overcame their doubts and came to a certain decision. They have "followed the stars" and reviewed them constantly. They could not make a mistake. All of them "followed the same stars". This child is who the stars led them to. He will become the greatest King the world will know.

So, the three magi who read and followed the stars offered their expensive gifts to the child. These gifts were testament to their wisdom, the certain knowledge that this child named Joshua bar Joseph will be King, the greatest King.
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nenita bautista torqueza
11/8/2018 5:58:00 PM
The Three Wise Men

I am wondering why they now call the three Magi, the three wise men who came to the site of Jesus' birth, as the Three Kings?

In our Religion class, we were told they were wise men, though they were also called "kings". But today, they are simply referred to as "kings".

The three men who came were just wise men. They were men who knew how to read the stars, astrologers at least. They determined that a great man will be born or was then born, one who will "King" of the world. So much was their certainty that they brought gifts of great worth, fit for a king.

Much would have been their surprise ,I could imagine, when the star led them to a baby in swaddling clothes. Also, the manger could not ba a king's castle. I could picture the three wise men conferring, asking each other whether they have read the star's message well. Could they have misread the alignment ofnthe stars? Could they have made a mistake in following the stars?

Yet their wisdom overcame their doubts and came to a certain decision. They have "followed the stars" and reviewed them constantly. They could not make a mistake. All of them "followed the same stars". This child is who the stars led them to. He will become the greatest King the world will know.

So, the three magi who read and followed the stars offered their expensive gifts to the child. These gifts were testament to their wisdom, the certain knowledge that this child named Joshua bar Joseph will be King, the greatest King.
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apdo
11/8/2018 6:16:00 PM
Ang sabi nila...

"palagi mo na lang akong pinapaikot, sawang-sawa na ako. mabuti pang patayin mo na lang ako!"
- electric fan

"hala! sige, magpakasasa ka! alam ko namang katawan ko lang ang habol mo!"
- hipon

"ayoko na! pag nagmamahal ako, lagi na lang maraming tao ang nagagalit! wala na ba akong karapatang magmahal?"
- gasolina

"sawang-sawa na ako. palagi na lang akong pinagpapasa-pasahan, pagod na pagod na ako!"
- bola

"ginawa ko naman lahat para sumaya ka. mahirap ba talagang makontento lang sa isa? bakit kailangang magpalipat-lipat ka?"
- telebisyon

"hindi lahat ng maasim ay may vitamin C!"
- kili-kili

"sige! batihin mo ako...sige!...bateeeeee!!!!"
- scrambled egg

"pilitin mo mang alisin ako sa buhay mo, babalik at babalik pa rin ako!"
- libag

"huwag mo na akong bilugin!"
- kulangot

"wala naman akong ginawa sa kanya! hindi na nga ako gumagalaw dito eh. ako na nga yung natapakan, siya pa yung galit! bakit ganun?"
- tae

"sige! kalimutan mo ako para malaman ng lahat ang baho mo!"
- deodorant

"hindi ko kasalanan na paiyakin ka! tandaan mo, ikaw ang unang nanakit!"
- sibuyas

"di porke't marami na akong natikmang labi, di porke't nalawayan na rin ako ng marami ay wala na kong dangal!"
- kutsara

"wag ka nang mahiya! pag ako'y iyong natikman, siguradong ako'y iyong babalik-balikan!"
- free taste

"paano mo ako matitikman kung hindi mo ako huhubaran?"
- saging

"hindi ko hinahangad na ipagmalaki mo na ako'y sa 'yo! ayoko ko lang naman na sa harap ng maraming tao ay ganun mo na lang akong itanggi!"
- utot

"paano tayo makakabuo kung hindi ako papatong sa 'yo?"
- hollow blocks

"bakit ba tuwing basang-basa na ako saka mo pa ako binibitin?"
- sinampay
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