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Wet dreams (season finalé)


Wet Dreams (Season Finalé)

Aramina P Tandulan, DIA, DJ, Esq, LLB, BSChem

Note: Title is supposed to be ‘Sweet Dreams’ as explained in 2nd Palkat.

We All Sin
-Jeroboam, The Last Temptation of Christ

Nobody knows that she's a lonely girl
And it's a lonely world
But she’s gonna let it burn baby
Burn baby
-Miss Lucy Fer cover, This Girl is on Fire*, unplugged, but soon plugged and uncovered

(*an Alicia Keys original)

Disclaimer: This work of fiction is based on true events and confessions during my trials and tribulations. Names, places, and events are slightly modified and altered not to sensationalize but to hide the true personae and identities of the characters and any similarities to your real life experiences are purely accidental, co-incidental, and unintended. Peks man, cross my heart and hope to die. Discretion is strongly advised as some readers might find the contents just a little suggestive.

Keep Awake
-Mark 13:35

Kalis Marco San’s eyes welled with tears. That was my second yawn, he thought as he rubbed his eyes on his tita Alexandria’s shoulder. It has been a long day and it is already evening, he again thought, but I have to keep awake just like what the Gospel according to Mark said during the first Sunday of Advent:

Keep awake, for you do not know when the master of the house will come, in the evening, or at midnight, or at cockcrow, or at dawn.

My mommy Miss Brenda is really not that religious, Kalis Marco S mused, it was my daddy Marco San who kept waking us up every dawn after the first cockcrow a few days before Christmas day:


“Wake up you sleepy heads and let’s go to church, it’s Aguinaldo Mass!” The cockcrow was his smartphone’s alarm tone.

Why do you need to go to all the Aguinaldo Masses, Marco San, my mommy Miss Brenda once joked, why, you have lots of sins to confess?

My daddy Marco San doesn’t really sin, Kalis Marco San thought, his actions or reactions have reasons. Like when he reacted one day, when my mommy Miss Brenda San was at work flying to Manila from NYC and the three of us, me, tita Ariana, and my daddy Marco San were gallivanting inside the mall. I was dozing off in my stroller when someone from the Santa Claus booth hung a mistletoe over my daddy Marco San’s head and the girl elves chanted, “kiss kiss kiss…” so, tita Ariana kissed my daddy Marco San…on the lips…


And she was not even my mommy…and he was not even Santa Claus…

What would gramma Pacing say if she saw them kiss under the mistletoe? Gramma Pacita is my mommy Miss Brenda’s mommy, or mamang, or Inang.

Ay Mamacita!

I can’t really remember my daddy Marco San’s reaction that time, Kalis Marco S mumbled; I was dozing off that day. All I could remember was they were joking about a camel toe; “so Marco San,” I heard tita Ariana whispered, “what did Brenda do to you when you were under Miley Montana’s camel toe?” Because apparently, she was showing her camel toe in one of her concerts we had attended. I wanted to ask tita Ariana what is a camel toe… but I totally forgot.

That’s why I have to be alert, Kalis Marco San again mumbled. I might miss something. Like when tita Miss Henrietta whispered to tita Mayora Annette that her family will move soon to NYC because tito Giancarlo Istante found a job in NYC. Or when tita Miss Henrietta asked tita Mayora Annette why her boypren is always wearing sunglasses…probably his eyes feel naked without his dark glasses… Kalis Marco San giggled at the thought of the eyes naked. Or naked eyes.

Speaking of eyes naked, Kalis Marco San mumbled as he focused his eyes on the images being projected on the wall, tita Precious is still locked in a tight embrace with tito Charlie, similarly, tito Edo is now locked in a tight embrace with tita Christine while MonaLisa the pussycat happily looked on, and on the third screen, tito Angel Gabriel is flying while tita Ariana is still standing near the helicopter door holding her lightsaber hilt, ready for battle ala Joan of Arc. She does look like Joan of Arc, Kalis Marco San mumbled.

“Alitaptapum kulalanticum chemicalis luciferum burnicumis apuyum ummmm.”

Tia Sidni incantated again as she stirred her pot with Giancarlo’s baseball bat. Then suddenly, a fourth screen appeared on the wall. Miss Lucy Fer standing, her trench coat’s collar flapping with the wind, her lips moving. “The feed from Judge Jesus’ heart.” Tia Sidni proclaimed. Kalis Marco San looked confused, Judge JC’s heart has a camera, he mumbled, I thought his heart can only project rays of light. D.S. Abdul made some adjustments on Miss Ariana’s Microwave oven and suddenly, Miss Lucy Fer’s voice could be heard:

“No one really perished Judge JC, no one died from the controlled explosions but I know you know that already, so we don’t have to discuss the Four Last Things of life according to your Catholic Catechism.”

Kalis Marco San tried to remember those Last Things that his daycare teacher had mentioned when they were studying TOK, Theory of Knowledge at UP-IB Daycare, University of Prinston International Baccalaureate Daycare: Death, Judgment, Heaven, and Hell. Apparently, Kalis Marco San mumbled, when someone dies, death is the first stage, then the next stage is judgment. If you were a good person, not only that you had received gifts from Santa Claus when you were living, but surely you will go to Heaven, although you will have to stay in Purgatory for a brief period for cleansing, just like ‘purga the bulati’, purge your soul before you enter Heaven. If you were bad, a mortal sinner, a killer without just cause, a murderer, then for sure your soul will go to Hell and will burn there eternally.

“We really don’t have to analyze that old riddle, Judge JC, the riddle of the door to heaven and the door to hell because we both know the answer to that riddle.”

Kalis Marco San tried to remember that riddle which they studied in IB-Daycare, a riddle about the lying devil:

When you die, your soul will travel and soon will reach two doors, one leads to Heaven and the other one leads to Hell, one door is guarded apparently by an angel guard and the other is guarded by the devil guard. You are allowed one question only to determine which door leads to Heaven, that’s right, one, 1, maysa, metung, isa, one question that you can ask each guard. So, what is the question?

Hmn, is this a Jeopardy game show, Kalis Marco San mumbled at that time.

Kalis Marco San, you looked confused, or did you just doze off again, do you know the question, his teacher prodded.

Well, I think that riddle is discriminating against people who are mute and does not know sign language; they are not able to speak and ask the question. But also, obviously, the angel guard is guarding the Heaven door and if you can’t differentiate an angel guard from a devil guard, the angel guard is nice-looking with clean white garment and wings and Halo, and the devil guard is naked with a tail and horn and filthy teeth and always drooling, if you can’t differentiate them, then probably you don’t deserve to go to Heaven because you have not attended a Sunday Mass and therefore you have not seen a picture of an angel…but then again, what if you are blind.

That’s what Kalis Marco San wanted to say, but instead:

I-i-i S-saw t-t-t-titah A-a-rah k-kiszzing d-d-daddyh M-marcoh San ta Clauszz hih-hi-hi gugu-gaga

Haaaay, go back to sleep Kalis Marco San, that’s all my teacher could say that time, Kalis Marco San mumbled as he returned his attention to the wall screen.

“But what we are going to talk about, Judge JesusC is just like a game show, ‘Kuwarta o Kahon’ or probably just like that two doors riddle, you’ll have choices,” Miss Lucy Fer gestured at the two invisible and imaginary two doors. “Now, for the first door, drum roll please.”

Detective Precious’ heart leapt as the drumming in her chest grew louder. Then she realized, it was not her heart that was beating like a drum, it was Miss Teri drumming her electric drums followed by the sounds of the electric guitar being played by Lisa May and the electric keyboard being played by Lisa May’s hubby, then Kalis Marco San excitedly pointed at the wall:

“Tita Ariana, like Joan of Arc! Microphone…not lightsaber!”

Miss Ariana suddenly raised her clenched right fist while she held the cordless microphone with her left hand as she started to sing:

“She’s just a girl and she’s on fire, hotter than a fantasy…”

Suddenly, as if on cue, fog or mist started to crawl on the rooftop floor, lights of red, yellow, and orange started to flash like strobes.

“Judge JesusC, the reason I am here in the Philippines is the Dead ‘C’ Scroll, it holds the key to my parents’ apparent death. If you give the Dead ‘C’ Scroll to me, look at what I can give you in return behind that first door.”

Kumander Lady Ag-Ag and Miss Lara Mae Dario Garcia looked at Dona Ana Rosalea; she appeared calm although she knew what powers the Dead ‘C’ Scroll could give Miss Lucy Fer.

“You can have the entire Kingdom of the Philippines to rule Judge JesusC.” Miss Lucy Fer opened her arms like the wings of an Angel gesturing at the Makati skyline, with the buildings flickering with neon lights.

“You will be the best Philippine president Judge JesusC, people will adore you, and they will glorify you!”

Judge JC was speechless. Kalis Marco San could hear his tita Alexandria’s slow breathing.

“She’s on top of the world, hottest of the hottest girls…” Miss Ariana’s voice sounded cool in Kalis Marco San’s ears.

“And,” Miss Lucy Fer paused for effect, “and, for your vice president, you can have the most gorgeous, most beauteous Judge Aramina!”

(ehem, that’s me)

Still, no one could hear Judge JC’s voice. “What’s the matter Judge JC,” Miss Lucy Fer prodded, “pussycat bit your tongue?”

“Oh, she got her head in the clouds, and she's not backing down…” Miss Ariana’s singing became louder.

“Then Judge JC, let us see what you can have in addition to becoming the best Philippine President ever, let us see what’s behind the second door.”

As if on cue, Miss Ariana threw down her microphone ala Lady Gaga in Superbowl 2017 halftime show, Miss Lucy Fer caught the microphone and continued Miss Ariana’s song while fireworks flew:

This girl is on fire
This girl is on fire
She's walking on fire
This girl is on fire

“And behind the second door Judge JC, you can have the prettiest, sexiest blonde concubine…”

F/SI Alex suddenly covered Kalis Marco San’s ears with the palm of her hands.

Ha? Kalis Marco San confused eyes looked at his tita Alexandria, then he understood, his tita Alex is protecting him by not allowing him to hear evil words, just like when his tita Judge Aramina advised him to remain silent, not to say any more things in his ‘Memoir iti Maysa a Maladaga’ that could put him into big trouble.

“Me! That’s right Judge JC, you can have me as your concubine!” Miss Lucy Fer abruptly pulled at her tearaway trench coat and flung it like an old newspaper, revealing her pale-skinned body and fiery red underwear set of bra and pair of panties.

Miss Lara Mae Dario Garcia immediately covered Kalis Marco San’s eyes with the palm of her left hand.

Ha? What’s the big deal, Kalis Marco San mumbled. I have seen pretty and sexy blonde women wearing only sexy and lacy bra and pair of panties before, and why is it ‘pair’ of panties anyway when I saw only one… the bra should be pair because it is covering two…never mind, Kalis Marco San mumbled. Enihu, he thought, I saw their life-size pictures plastered on the Victoria’s Secret store window in the mall when Tita Ariana, me, and daddy Marco San were gallivanting inside the mall. Tita Ariana actually started to wonder why my daddy Marco San always wanted to go back to the store beside the Victoria’s Secret Store.

They are protecting me, they are safeguarding my innocence, Kalis Marco San continued to mumble. Tita Judge Aramina, Tita Alex, and Tita Lara Mae. I think they like me. They want me…as their pet.

Their pet monkey:

Hu-hu ha-ha ik-iiiiik

I actually feel like their three pet monkeys, the one monkey that doesn’t speak evil, the monkey that does not hear evil, and the monkey that does not see evil.

Kalis Marco San sighed. I am in the dark and I can’t hear anything because I am under their protection. Probably what Alma, Tita Doctora Diana’s daughter, probably what she said is true:

Kal-EL, human adults are soooo complicated.

Hmn. Wait a minute, I can’t remember Tita Judge Aramina mentioning Alma in this story, Kalis Marco San mused.

Where is Alma?

Donde esta Alma?


Aramina P Tandulan, DIA, DJ, Esq, LLB, BSChem ©2017

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