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Wet dreams (17th palkat)


Wet Dreams (17th Palkat)

Aramina P Tandulan, DIA, DJ, Esq, LLB, BSChem

Note: Title is supposed to be ‘Sweet Dreams’ as explained in 2nd Palkat.

Wise to resolve, and patient to perform.
-Homer (non-Simpson)

Disclaimer: This work of fiction is based on true events and confessions during my trials and tribulations. Names, places, and events are slightly modified and altered not to sensationalize but to hide the true personae and identities of the characters and any similarities to your real life experiences are purely accidental, co-incidental, and unintended. Peks man, cross my heart and hope to die. Discretion is strongly advised as some readers might find the contents just a little suggestive.

October 29, 2017 (Mayyang Calendar)

Somewhere in the mountains of Japan

Sensei Jessica Henwick in her seated yoga pose with her katana sword lying beside her seemed unperturbed by the gonging of the keisu gong from the nearby Zen monastery as she patiently tried to harness her inner chi or Japanese inner qi (ki), her inner mojo, her deepest life force or energy, her dark room illumminated only by the glow coming from her glow-in-the-dark socks. Like the monks who were reading their Sutra, the rythmic gonging of the keisu was helping her focus in her quest for a much stronger inner life force or energy which could be measured by the intensity of the glow coming from her glow-in-the-dark pair of socks as her inner qi (ki) strengthens. Protected by the glow-in-the-dark socks are her iron feet which when glowing could pulverize a mini cooper or a ducati motorcycle.

Meanwhile, back in Makati, Miss Lucy Fer asked Judge Jesus C through her cellphone what was that noise, the Boing-ing-ing and the Meow. Judge JC told Miss Lucy Fer that it was just a horny cat trying to catch another cat’s attention, the loud metallic bang signifies the agmaya, the horny cat is ready for some intimate and loud, noisy jiggy-jiggy.

Meanwhile, Christine who was deeply engrossed in her reading of Karm’s KarmaSutra XXX: How to Clean your Condom after each Use got startled from the gonging of the metal sheet lining of the ventilation ducts and the loud meowing of her cat MonaLisa.

“What the…”

She immediately made a mental bookmark of the chapter she was reading, a chapter about Patience which may help her keep her sanity while patiently waiting for her rescuer(s).


KarmaSutra XXX: How to Clean your Condom after each Use

Chapter 7

Patience is a virtue
-Rachel Weisz the Evie, in The Mummy

Rosario, my wife, my one-and-only is a university professor. She teaches Chemistry and Physics. Sometimes I’d wonder how her poor students survive her strictness and foul mouth; she had been referred to as a ‘terror professor’ but enrolment in her class was always full every semester. Probably because of her ‘crying eyes’ and ‘pamatay’ legs which she would sometimes flount by wearing a shorter than usual dress skirt. Or probably because they do learn something because each year when the PRC, the Professional Regulation Commission releases the results of the Chemistry board exams, four or sometimes five of her students are in the top ten.

No surprise there because ‘a terror professor’ she might be, she’d always ensure her graduating students would be ready to take the board exams once they walk off her classroom door. She’d patiently review with them for a few weeks prior to graduation.

She was also patient with me, especially during house cleaning, she’d vacuum the whole house with only a few yelling:

OMG!!! Kar, you are sadut!!! Lift your ass off the couch and do something productive!!!

I was doing something, I thought, I was watching a basketball game. Or she would yell because she would accidently trip on my Condom:

Stupid wet vac Condom!!!

So one day, she pulled her Physical Chemistry textbook and searched for Gibbs free energy, something about enthalpy or entropy of ionic solutions that I didn’t have the faintest idea what she was talking about. Apparently, she’d want to formulate a solution, a phosphorescent solution she said, that when sprayed to my Condom, my Condom would become a glow-in-the-dark Condom, then she wouldn’t trip anymore.

I wanted to tell her ‘why don’t you just look where you are going and use a flashlight if it’s a little dark’, but fearing a quick feedback from her left foot, she does have a devastating roundhouse kick ala Sensei Jessica you know, I’d just decide to zip my mouth.

Well, that’s Rosario, patient with her students and Physical Chemistry textbook but impatient with Shakespeare’s Macbeth:

Macbeth: It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing

Rosario: Aaaah, go suck a tomato!!!

Or her impatience with my TV watching.

Or her TV watching. She doesn’t have any patience for dramas or soap operas with lots of crying like when she accidentally stumbled upon a Days of our Lives scene when she changed the channel while I was watching basketball:

Samantha: You are insane

EJ: No, my dear. I'm a DiMera

Samantha: If I wasn't so mad at you, I'd have sex on the bar with you

Rosario: Ah shut up Sami! Go ef a banana!!!



Ha? Was that a ‘sutsot’ or a gas leak, Christine thought while she tried to take a peak through her little coffin window.


Christine notice her cat MonaLisa was hishing like a serpent toward the ventilation grill window at the ceiling. Christine turned her head up the ceiling and she could see an object, almost like a glow-in-the-dark octopus frantically moving or convulsing. Christine’s hair stiffened.

OMG! A glow-in-the-dark giant spider!

Meanwhile, back in the staging room at the 42nd floor, Tia Sidni lit her portable gasul burner which she placed under her large silyasi, a metallic wok or pot for cooking dinuguan or bloody pudding during a barrio wedding. Kalis Marco San’s inquisitive large eyes wondered how Tia Sidni and cuzin Lara May had brought that monstrosity up there. He looked at F/SI Alexandria Dario, their eyes welded momentarily, then F/SI Alexandria smiled sweetly and shrugged her shoulders. Then Kalis Marco San remembered, Tia Sidni carried it on top of her head, ‘susuon’ where she used a ‘diken’ between her head and the silyasi. A diken is like a rolled towel used to balance the large silyasi.

Suddenly, Kalis Marco San felt hungry. It’s about time they cook dinuguan he thought as his stomach grumbled. Cuzin Lara Mae brought a big pail of water from somewhere and poured it on the silyasi. Then Tia Sidni took a small vial from her pocket,

“Rosario’s secret Gibbs free energy concoction”

she announced as she showed the vial to everyone. Then she poured the content of the vial into the simmering water inside the silyasi while she incantated a latin orasyon:

“e pluribus onumus balbalatung idiotum istoryum puro furium pautotum blangkum significatum macbethum uuum”

Kalis Marco San suddenly held his breath just like everyone in the room in anticipation of Tia Sidni’s next action or incantation, or probably because the brain reacted to the word ‘pautotum’ so holding your breath was a natural defense mechanism against the violent intrusion of the expelled gaseous vapor not from the mouth like a burp but from the other end, the lower end of the large intestine.

“Baseball bat.” Tia Sidni held her palm toward Giancarlo Istante. Giancarlo immediately handed his baseball bat which Tia Sidni used to stir the pot. Just like Jose Reyes when he was with the Toronto Blue Jays, Kalis Marco San thought, he would stir the pot.

“Gatorade.” Tia Sidni held her palm again toward Giancarlo Istante.

“Ah, I know Tia Sidni,” Miss Henrietta proudly exclaimed, “the electrolytes in the gatorade will form ions when solvated or diluted further with warm water therefore the solution will have the ability to conduct a stronger electrical signal so we will see images on the water surface!”

Tia Sidni smiled and declared, “No my dear Miss Henrietta, the gatorade is for me, I feel dehydrated so I need some hydration.”

Tia Sidni waited for some laughter but didn’t hear any. She looked at Kalis Marco San quizzically. Kalis Marco San just shrugged his shoulders, kibit-balikat, meaning probably we are hungry and waiting for some good home cooking, or, Kalis Marco San smiled at Tia Sidni, probably they have already heard that joke many times and it is not funny anymore. Tia Sidni shrugged her shoulders too and took a swig of the gatorade.

Meanwhile, Miss Lucy Fer, in a soft voice whispered on her cellphone,

“I am sending back your medical staff and your food and beverage servers Judge JC. It’s about time we have our own face-to-face intercourse.”

Aramina P Tandulan, DIA, DJ, Esq, LLB, BSChem ©2017

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